Closure... the Gift you give Yourself

I have a good friend that is going through a disappointing breakup. I have been a listening ear for the last couple of months as her relationship has limped along on it's last leg. We have had countless talks over cocktails, late night phone calls and discussions about how it happened, what went wrong, when it went wrong, how it went wrong, what could have been done to circumvent it and on and on and on.  My fiance has listened to portions of these conversations in between him watching the NBA playoffs. He knows this friend as well and he has offered up the "male perspective" from time to time as needed.

I don't mind being a patient, listening ear to a friend going through things. In fact, I am known for it among my closest friends for sure and take pride in that fact. I think it is part of the healing process. You never really know what peace and understanding you can offer to a hurting person and I personally have benefited immensely from having good friends in my corner as well being extra patient with me. I read a lot (as most bloggers do) and can't always recall where I heard/read something. Recently I read a blog where a man was trying to explain why he believes that  women in general are "loyal to a fault".  It was an interesting read but in case you don't read it, in summary :

Anyway, women are overloyal. And here’s why: because women hate to be wrong. Leaving a man would require a woman to admit that she chose wrong. Which has to be a very difficult conclusion to draw considering how quickly most women are willing to place all of their proverbial eggs in that one basket. I’ve always found it interesting how women will find a man and date him for a while and be done. There’s no more looking. They have a man and that’s the one they’re hoping to end their dating life with. This perplexes me because it leaves very little room for evaluation. The evaluation that gets done isn’t to determine if she should stay or leave, it’s done to determine how to keep the relationship she’s in despite whatever issue exists. So while men never seem willing to work anything out, I suppose women want to work everything out. Not that I’m advocating for the early dissolution of a relationship because we don’t want to work, but let’s be real here, if you choose wisely upfront you won’t have to dissolve anything later, right?

I chewed on this for a minute and I have to say that I think that this is true in many instances but it is a little more complex than just that. Because once you have identified all of the problems or issues with a particular man or the relationship and determined that it is just not going to work out, the next step for some women is to question how you missed the "signs" or why did you didn't see him for what he truly was, and then you question yourself and your judgement and ultimately begin to blame your self for making the "mistake" of choosing to become involved with this person.  I get this because I have seen it done repeatedly and and I have done it myself.  However, what I have learned to do as I have matured is to learn how to evaluate entire situations and  be accountable for my mistakes without shouldering the ENTIRE blame if I am not totally at fault.  If someone's intent is to deceive you, how is that YOUR fault alone ? If someone misrepresents certain aspects of themselves because to not do so would give you a more accurate view of the situation and of that person,  how is that YOUR fault ? If someone succeeds in misleading you, how is that YOUR fault ? Bottom line is this. Relationships are complicated, but the good ones are built on trust, honesty, commitment, communication and fidelity. If either party compromises any of these areas, the integrity of the relationship is now in question. Even if a woman is guilty of trusting a man, opening her heart to a man, giving of herself and her resources to a man, how is that MORE wrong, than the deception that a man uses, to gain all of that from the woman ? Sometimes its hard to make a wise choice when you have incorrect information.

We cannot be afraid of the truth. Whether it hurts, whether it's disappointing, whether it's a surprise or not. The truth needs no support and in truth there is power. The power to heal,  the power to move forward, the power to make good choices and better decisions.  I read somewhere that when romantic relationships fail, men are more likely to blame the other party and express their feelings about it outwardly in the form of anger (physical altercations, violence, shootings, etc) and that women are more likely to blame themselves and internalize it, trying to figure out what they did wrong, suffer from anxiety, becoming depressed leading to suicide, etc. I know this is not an absolute, but I have really seen it play out this way very often.

My friend and I talked about her need for "closure" and the interesting thing is that women seem to always want to seek this out from men, who have been less than upstanding in dealing with them (hence the demise of the relationship) which makes this need totally unreasonable. It usually never happens.  Closure is the gift you give yourself. Closure is when you take your power back and refuse to give energy to a person who has hurt you. Closure is when you decide how you want to live your life and you don't need a committee or a pow wow or permission or a meeting of the minds to accomplish that.  It is a lesson that I personally wished I had learned a lot sooner than I did and a concept that I am more than happy to share.

How do you know when a relationship is over & its time to take the " L " regardless of who is at  fault  ?

Do you find that you need closure or something from the other person to put it behind you ?

Do you think women are overly afraid or embarrassed to admit when they feel they have made a wrong choice ?

Thoughts ? Comments ? Questions ?

Beautifully Complex 

Stay off my D@#% Phone !

Please excuse me while I get real ignorant.  I really try to keep it PG-13 around here, but today is not that day. LOL

This weekend I get a random text from a stray from like 3 years ago. We used to talk on the phone mostly & we dated very briefly, he just wasn't for me. He was a nice guy just no connection for me. He has had a hard life, lots of childhood trauma, so in many ways I always felt sorry for him & tried to be as nice as possible especially when I let him know for certain that I just was not interested in him romantically. Not that it matters,  but for the record, we were never physically intimate.

I remember that I had communicated with this person very briefly a couple of times via text since I have been with Mr. Mixologist. On both occasions, I  made sure very tactfully, to let this person know that I was happily involved in a serious relationship, because he inquired about my status. I have his old number still in my phone, but this text came in from a different number. I missed the first few texts messages from him, because I was sleeping.

Here is the text exchange (check out the times of these messages). My responses are in bold.  My commentary is in italics.

10:53 PM    Hi Beautifully Complex

why do they always text in the middle of the night ? 

  7:01 AM    Good Morning

 10:18AM    Hello

 10:38AM   Got a new cell phone, whose number is this ?

 10:39AM   This is ______How are you ?

 10:41AM   Doing great. How about yourself  ?

 10:43 AM  Same here, did you and Romeo get married ?

 10:46AM  We are engaged. He put a nice ring on it.
                   We are planning our wedding.
                   It's next year. How is your love life ? 


 10:50AM   Was going well, I may be single again soon.

 10:51AM  Sorry to hear that.

 10:53AM  It happens

this is where it went wrong......

 10:53 AM Are u still thick and sexy ?

10:58 AM  Send me a pic

11:01 AM  Yes No

11:13 AM You gonna ignore me ?

.....why state the obvious ?

11:22 AM Hello

damn, I guess he just doesn't get it. I guess I could have continued to ignore him, but I just really needed to get him off my phone. 

12:03PM  Asking about my body & asking me for a pic...
                 TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE. 
                 You  pretend to want to be friendly, 
                 but I won't jeopardize the trust
                 I have in my relationship by entertaining your text messages. 
                 Peace & blessings to you. 

Just when I though he had bowed out gracefully, 4 hours later.......

 4:00PM  F#%@  You !

4:10 PM  Yeah I know you wish you could LOL Lose my number.
                 Don't EVER contact me from any number ever again. 
                 I always try to treat you with respect you don't deserve. 
                 Stay off my phone you disrespectful asshole !
                 Enjoy your miserable life.


4:15PM   OK B$%#@ ! Enjoy his little D&%$ !

4:24PM   Yeah, you wish it was little LOL. He wears a size 15 shoe.
                 Trust & believe I am more than satisfied with
                 the bat he is swinging, which is why I won't EVER let you
                 and your phone games jeopardize what I got going on.
                 You can call me all the names you wish.
                 I know who I am and yet it is YOU who always shows
                 back up on MY phone LOL.
                 You don't deserve the respect I've always tried to show you.
                Stop texting me. Just imagine I am invisible to you.
              
               
4: 38PM   Sorry for the name calling

4: 56PM   Are we cool

4: 58PM   Are we cool

IGNORE 

WTH ? You text me all random,  at late hours in the night, then again at the break of dawn !  You get inappropriate with me after I have confirmed that I am off the market & then when I check you on it, you want to cuss me out,  call me out of my name and then try to insult my dude !  Really, what part of the game is this ????  I was heated !

You know guys love to talk about how thirsty the women are out here in these streets and I for one am getting tired of hearing it, because what guys don't talk about is how clingy & desperate acting they can be, and  how they try to hate on the next man, just because a woman is not interested in playing games them ! I have never been the one to send pictures of myself to men on cell phones. EVER. I don't understand why people do this. This is how you end up embarrassed on the the damn internet !

I leave my email open, my cell phone unlocked and my FB open so that my love knows I have nothing to hide. We use each others laptops and cell phones all.the.time. I do my best to be an open book with him. The last thing I want is some damn confusion about some stray ass dude from 3 years ago typing inappropriate ish on my d@$& phone !


Thanks for entertaining my rant LOL

****steps off my soapbox and sits my ass down******

Thoughts ? Comments ? Questions ?

Beautifully Complex 

Day 19 The Ex- Factor

Somethings I want to say to an ex........

Peace !


Do you have anything you want to say to an ex ?


Thoughts ? Comments ? Questions ?

Beautifully Complex 

Day 3 My First Love

I have to admit I am going to cheat & post something I wrote back in 2010 for a blog challenge that I never finished. I might have some new lurkers LOL !

I was nearing the end of my Senior Year in High School when I met CW. I was pumping gas and he was on the other side, making eyes and trying to get my attention. I am tall 5'10 and he was a little bit shorter than me by an inch or so. I can remember not being very strongly attracted to him initially and thinking that his eyes were too large, or something silly like that, plus his height was somewhat of a turn off, but evidently his game was tight because we ended up in a 3 year relationship and you couldn't tell me he wasn't the ish !

He told me his name and unbeknown to me, he had been a basketball star at an area high school.  I was surprised at this since he was short in my opinion. I  later learned he was a point guard. I specifically remember that he was amazed that I didn't recognize his name, especially since I went to another high school that was a major sports rival to his school. Unfortunately, other than to run track for a couple of years, I was pretty much a book worm/nerd & not necessarily in the popular crowd. Now I was popular with the "scholarly" kids, but in the grand scheme, not so much. As a matter of fact, I was Valedictorian of my class, and I just wasn't into sports and very rarely went to games at my school.  He later told me the fact that I genuinely didn't know who he was made me more attractive to him, because he had had enough of groupie girls that just wanted to date him because he was a popular athlete.

When I got home and called one of my friends & told her about the guy who I met at the gas station and gave my phone number to, she screamed " OMG ! CW ? You met CW at the gas station ? " She then began to extol his virtues, and popularity, etc.  He called shortly thereafter and we were off.  Several weeks later, he attended my High School Graduation and brought me a dozen red roses, which in 1987 was a really big deal ! LOL 

We spent a wonderful summer falling deeply in love. It was really intense. We saw each other every.single.day.  When Fall arrived, I remember him taking me on a special date to celebrate my heading to college at Bennigan's. I remember this vividly because I had my first alcoholic drink, a Long Island Iced Tea, because he knew the waiter, and even though I was only 18, I was having a cocktail, with my boyfriend in a restaurant and baby, I thought I was doing the most ! At the end of the date, when they served dessert, he presented me with a promise ring, and I was done ! It had a pearl with two little diamond "chips" on each side. I wore that ring with so much pride. I actually still have it in a jewelry box somewhere. LOL.

The school I went to was about an hour and a half away, but I promise you that first year, we still saw each other every single weekend and sometimes through the week, when it wasn't during basketball season, he would drive to see me. I was so ate up with this man !  I still have the many, many love letters that he wrote to me in college somewhere tucked away in my Cedar Chest just for nostalgia. 

Sadly we broke up after almost 3 years, during the time that I was actually transferring to a school that would be much closer to him. The breakup was caused by problems that stemmed from a couple of things. First, I found out that he was smoking marijuana on a pretty routine basis.  Which I did not approve of and did not expect, since he was an athlete. He later admitted that he had been hiding this from me since the very beginning, because I was such an L7 ! LOL  Then, I caught him cheating, basically red handed, with the girl coming out of his dorm room, when he thought I was somewhere else.  It turns out that he could smoke weed with this chick, so he in the end chose her over me. 

Oh the heartbreak and heartache this caused me !  I actually made the first and only "F"  I had ever made in my life. I remember the class was Statistics. Because it was the first class of the day on MWF and I would drive to Campus, sit in my car and cry and cry & missed this class so many times, I didn't even know what was going on. But in time, I got over it, but I still remember that it was very hard.

In later years, I heard through the grapevine, that he married the same girl he cheated on me with, they had a couple of kids, and they moved to Arizona for several years. Later they divorced after he developed a drug addiction that he just could not beat. I continued to hear rumors throughout the years, that he was still struggling with drugs. This made me extremely sad when I heard about it because, despite breaking my heart, he was a really good person, that I cared a lot about for a significant time in my life.  And he played a major role in my life story. About 2 years ago, a couple of my cousins saw him out and about in the City we lived in and they informed me that he did in fact appear to be "cracked out", very obviously so and had moved back home. He asked them about me. They mentioned I lived in Houston. He asked if I was married, and when they informed him I was recently divorced, he told one of them, " Here's my number, tell Beautifully Complex to give me a call " LOL !  Ummm..........no ! 

Thoughts ? Questions ? Comments ?  

Beautifully Complex 

An Engaging Affair.......In Pictures

Although it rained for most of last weekend, we got a slight reprieve to enjoy our Engagement Party that two of my friends hosted for us.  That damn Houston humidity got to my hairdo, but even still we had a blast at Monnalisa with some wonderful people who came out to celebrate with us.........

The patio cabanas are cool to chill in when it hasn't been raining all weekend ! LOL

Yes we wore the cheesy buttons ! 

Me and one of my closest friends. She brought me some very lovely flowers and a cheesy "Bride to Be" button to wear because she knew I would wear it proudly ! LOL

Tulips & Classic Black & White Pics

The food was great and the drinks here do.not. play.  If you come try the signature drink called "The Monnalisa" it has Raspberry infused vodka & fresh raspberries. it.is.the.business !

My beautiful Hostesses !

Me and my love were trying to practice that very famous "photo pose"  that TIH and her husband have down to art form ! LOL

Lovely Ladies !

I really love the fire pit in the middle of the lounge ! It is very romantic at night & creates nice ambiance. Two years ago I surprised my love on his birthday and we came to this same place & made some great memories, so I was really happy they picked this spot to celebrate such a milestone in our courtship.

Our Adopted Texas Family

My best friends family adopted me years ago & they love Mr. Mixologist like no other and we are so blessed to have their support and encouragement as we walk this path to marriage.

My great friend and Soror !

He is such a funny guy, who makes me smile everyday & has shown me how to lighten up and even how to laugh at myself.....often.

He was so surprised, looking like, what are you doing ?

Just before the toast, I surprised everyone by reading a poem that I wrote for my love. I have been working on it for a while, even before we got  engaged and I thought it was the perfect time to share it. I also got it framed for him with some of our favorite pics......He loved it ! I would share it here but I don't really trust these innanets with my prose ! LMAO

Aficionados in the House ! 

Of course the Cigar lovers had to hit the patio to indulge before all was said & done. He got a few sticks as gifts that he could not wait to try. All in all we had a lot of fun and laughs (some tears too LOL), with great friends, and we are blessed beyond measure to be surrounded by so much love and support.

An emotional moment after my reading. 

Your heart wins, when you're not afraid to lose...


That is how true love is built...starting with an open heart !



Hope you enjoy the photos !


Thoughts ? Comments ? Questions ?


Beautifully Complex

Just Me.....Randomly....The Love Edition

* Excuse me while I gush 

Wow, I can't believe we are already 21 days into the New Year. Time marches on........Speaking of a year, me and my beau,  Mr. Mixologist spent last weekend celebrating the one year anniversary of the day we met, January 17, 2010.  We have been together for a year, neither one of us went on any more dates after our first encounter. He actually canceled a date he had scheduled for the very day we met ! I admit that I had a couple of guys that I had recently met online that I ceased communication with very quickly after meeting him. We have pretty much been inseparable since then, we moved quickly into exclusivity and it's fun to look back when I first blogged about it here.  His former blog name was Eastcoast because he is from Baltimore by way of Charleston. He was raised in Baltimore and has a strong Baltimore/East Coast accent. I am happy to report, I am still feeling butterflies when I see his name come up on my cell phone and when I hear his voice :)

I had plenty of leftovers for lunch the next day !

I didn't get MLK Day off work, but I was off the Friday before so I still got my 3 day weekend in. Thursday night, Mr. Mixologist grilled some huge steaks for dinner. They were delicious ! We enjoyed them with a nice Malbec, a Callejon del Crimen Grand Reserva which was actually a gift from a friend. It was really good & I was glad to look it up online and find that it was not expensive at all. I love wine and am learning how to pair it with different types of food. I prefer whites, he really enjoys reds because they help with digestion. I am learning to enjoy them more and more.



Friday night, we had an official "date night" to celebrate. I received a beautiful card from my beau that made my heart smile. Since we both love seafood , we went to dinner at Fish City Grille in Vintage Park. I had some Oysters as well as some stuffed Shrimp. He had some type of Shrimp Pasta. The food was pretty good and moderately priced too.  We then headed to the movies to see "The Dilemma " with Vince Vaughn & Kevin James.  Even though Vince plays virtually. the.same.exact.character. in every movie, I still think he is hilarious! LOL

Serious Aficionado's in the house !

 Saturday night we had an Event to attend that Mr. Mixologist has been excited about for months. One of his favorite haunts, Serious Cigars hosts an annual Party each year for their preferred customers. Trust me when I say,we were in line to get into the party 30 minutes early ! LOL There were over 400 people there for sure. It was really nice. Since it was Founder's Day for my sorority Alpha Kappa Alpha, Inc., I was rocking a pink sweater and my black boots.  Like most Cigar Bars, it is not that big, so they actually set up a huge tent in the parking lot and had lots of tables set up. We got there in time to get a table so we could sit with our friends. They had catered food and it was deelish, unlimited open bar with my favorite Vodka, and some pretty nice giveaways even though we didn't win anything big. It was sponsored by a couple of Cigar makers and it was really laid out nice. All of his Cigar buddies were there and it was a lot of fun. I got to meet some of the guys that I hear about all the time and their wives and girlfriends. I invited my girlfriend who we both  actually give the credit for me and Mr. Mixologist meeting last year, since she drug me out the house that night when I had every intention of chilling at home. Since we met at a Cigar Bar, it was apropos.  She was teasing us all night, telling us that she threw the party on our behalf ! LOL. We had a great time ! We left there and headed over to the Oz Bar to meet another friend, they had a band that was off the hook, playing everything from Prince, to George Benson, the Commodores, to Maze. We were getting our groove on seriously to the point that we were both sore from dancing that next day & it took us a minute to realize why we were sore ! LOL Life after 40 I swear.

See the beauty beyond the Cigar Smoke !

Sunday was a big football day and it was pretty cold, so we just recuperated from the weekend. Spent time relaxing together and reflecting. Neither of us felt like cooking so we just ordered in. I finally left my house later that night to go meet a girlfriend in from out of town for drinks. Overall it was a really chilled day and a nice end to a lovely weekend. I gave him a card in which I listed out every.single.thing. that he has exposed me to in the last year that has improved my life in some form or fashion.  It may sound cheesy, but I put everything from Shrimp and Grits, to Havarti Cheese, to Shiraz, to how to download movies/music, to his libations he mixes up, to pure castile soap ! LOL It was a really long list. I really just sat & thought about all of the little things he has shown me, shared with me and exposed me to, that have made my life better and more enjoyable. He is such a gentleman and makes me feel protected, supported and appreciated all the time. He is a wonderful listener & accepts me AS I AM. Now he is not as emotional or sentimental as I am of course, but let me tell you that he really appreciated that card, the look on his face as he read it said everything to me.

What happiness looks like :)

I warned you this was going to be a gushy post ! LOL If love is a drug, then I am definitely under the influence :)

What's going on random with you ?

Thoughts ? Comments ? Questions ?

Beautifully Complex 

Just Me........Randomly

I must admit it. I suck at blogging ! LOL Every time I think I will do better, life kicks in and I get sidetracked. I thought the blog challenge would work for me and I had all these ideas swirling in my head when I saw the topics, but dropped the ball any way. I may just pick and choose the topics I liked and use some in the future. 

I do love reading blogs though, and the comments and debates I thoroughly enjoy. So even if I am not writing I am reading. I lurk on so many blogs, my google reader stays full. I comment on some and wish I had time to comment more.  Between blogging, FB, and twitter and my busy work life, I need more hours in the day I swear. So let me try to catch up a bit :

Last month, I was so excited to be able to witness blog world's own TIH tie the knot ! Everything was lovely, the colors were beautiful, the food and cake were delicious, and we had lots of fun, doing "The Wobble" and the Soul train line. There were a few other blogger's there as well. It is always cool to meet the people behind the words.  Tiffany and Myron  are such a lovely couple and I am so happy for them and the love they have found. This was first wedding that me and Mr. Mixologist  attended together and we really enjoyed ourselves.

This month we traveled to the city where my sister lives to celebrate her 40th Birthday. We had an "80's Themed" party that was planned and hosted by yours truly.  Everything came together nicely. We had Rubik's cubes, Slinky's, Star War's memorabilia, old school candy on the tables, Old School Album Covers along the walls, the embarrassing old photo montage, a trivia contest, dance contest and a costume contest for prizes. The DJ was amazing ! My sister had made a list of all the song's she wanted played and we had so much fun. She loved everything and had a really nice turnout. We decorated everything in fuchsia and black. My sister was dressed as Janet Jackson from Rhythm Nation, with the military uniform and long ponytail. She kept her costume a secret from everybody including me and she looked really cute !  My BIL was dressed like the guy from Miami Vice. I was  some combination of Madonna and Cyndi Lauper, with leg warmers, pearls, headband and lace gloves.  Mr. Mixologist came as LL Cool J. When it was over, I was exhausted from all the planning, etc, but in the end, it was truly a blast and my sister was really happy about how it all turned out. 

I cannot believe that it is almost November. This year has flown by for sure. But I am so glad for the temperature drop in this humidity capital I live in. I have been using the treadmill  for a while, but now I can head outside to get ready to run the Turkey Trot this year with some family members. 

I love this time of year because of the upcoming holidays. It seems like my caseload at work is starting to slow a bit and I am thankful for that too. This past week after work, me and another friend, went to help our mutual "domestically challenged friend" with getting her girls ready for Halloween.  She turns her kids over to us each year since she is not creative or into cooking. My friend  always helps them with the pumpkin carving, and I am the one that helps with the cooking of the pumpkins. Last year we made the traditional pumpkin pies. This year, I wanted to switch it up a bit, so I helped the 8 year old make pumpkin muffins, and the 12 year old make a pumpkin cheesecake. I love cooking with kids because they get so excited about it.Both recipes turned out great and I was glad since I found them on the Internet and hadn't tested either one.

Thanksgiving and Christmas are quickly approaching and plans are being made. I am extra excited because things are going well on the relationship front. This is the longest relationship I have had since my divorce  and I am having very positive feelings about it so far.  Mr. Mixologist is heading home with me for Thanksgiving and he told me last week that we are going to his family's for Christmas ! Now he has traveled with me to see my family on 3 occasions since we met in January. Once to take my nieces home, again when my cousin had a stroke, and to my sister's party. So everyone is getting used to him being around. Me on the other hand, have only met one of his brothers (he lives here). So I am getting ready to meet the parents, other siblings, nieces, aunts, etc for the first time. Can you tell I am a bit anxious ? LOL It has been a long time since I cared to make an impression on a man's family, so it feels kind of strange, but I am sure it will all be fine. I am also excited to be travelling to the East Coast so I can break out some fly winter clothes  & boots ! LOL

Last night, we headed out to a (new spot) to hear one of my favorite saxophonist's Kyle Turner play along with a singer from the area, Andre James. They put on a phenomenal show that was well worth the nominal cover charge. Like any new place, there were some kink's in the service factor, but we went for the music, and we were not disappointed. One of my favorite Jazz spot's recently closed, the former Red Cat Jazz Cafe, and upon reflecting, I realized that I had not done enough to support it (at least recently), so why could I be upset ? I am really going to try to do better to support my local artists and venues, especially the ones that I know are truly talented. People my age group love to complain about the lack of "mature crowd" venues, but the question is, when they build it, do you come? In short, I am going to try to put my money where my mouth is more often than I have been.

I think I am up to speed for now.

Thoughts ?

Comments ?

Questions ?

What you got ? What's going on random with you ?

Beautifully Complex

Interpretations: Love

Love is...putting the needs of another person above your own.

Love is never selfish.

Love is...being able to be your true self and being accepted flaws and all. 

Love is unconditional.

Love comes in different forms, romantic love, parental love, sibling love, friend love, Christian love.

Love is universal.

Love can be unexpected, uncontrollable, and unrestrained. It can also be quiet and unassuming.

Love is stronger than pride.

Love survives the ups and downs, the in and outs, the changes in life.

Love may change forms, but if it's real, it always remains.

The unconditional love that I see most of the time is parental love.  Sacrifice is synonymous with this type of love. It's seems like the most consistent and all encompassing.  Maybe because for most people, its the first love they experience. That's why the loss of a parent or a child seems so unbearable.

I think the ability to be unselfish, even when it might not be your first inclination, is the key to a lasting romantic love relationship. Can you imagine two people constantly striving to put the other person' s needs first ? How can you lose like that ? Two people trying to do what's best for the OTHER person everyday for life.  The way I see it, if you are meeting my needs and desires consistently, it won't be hard for me to reciprocate that on a daily, unless I am selfish.

My greatest desire from the standpoint of love is to be loved unconditionally. I need to know that I am loved even on the days when I may not be the most lovable. I need to be confident that I will not be judged by my worst day but the sum total of who I am.  I need to know that you love ME, not the idea of me, and not me in theory. LOL !

Love is one of the most powerful emotions created by God.  True love is very strong, especially when you truly have the capacity to love with an OPEN heart. There are many people who are not open to love and often don't even realize it. I think the most common reason is the fear of the other side... the loss of love. 

In reflecting, I believe that I have experienced true romantic love 3 times in my 41 years, present company included.  The saying about love and loss is really true in my opinion. I think that love is a blessing. Despite the heartbreaks, I am better for having experienced it. However, this is a much easier revelation once you have healed. The most important thing is to not let the loss of love change you and hinder you from being able to experience new love in all of its forms.

What is your interpretation of  love ?

Thoughts ?

Comments ?

Beautifully Complex

Birthday Edition - Just Me.......... Randomly

Happy Birthday to me....... Happy Birthday to me !

So thankful to be blessed to see another year and this one went by very fast. I am seriously understanding the meaning of enjoying life every. single. day. because this time is not waiting... at all. LOL



I am appreciating simple things more and more it seems. I don't know if its age, maturity, wisdom or a combination of all three but I am enjoying the fullness of my life and every experience that each day brings.



I am learning the art of saying no...without the guilt. I am a reformed "people pleaser" and I used to allow it to stress me out. I say "used to" like it has changed totally LOL ! The truth is, it is still hard for me occasionally, but I am definitely getting better. I used to want to commit to everything and everybody, but I am learning to accept that I can't do everything. Conflicts arise some out of your control. I recently missed my line sisters baby shower which would have required traveling quite a distance. I really did want to see her and everyone there. I just couldn't make it happen and I am OK with it. On to the next one.



Just got back from NOLA last week. I attended my 12th Essence Festival ! I have to admit it took me about 3 days to recover no joke. Now on the way home I can honestly say I was really beginning to feel my age for the first time. I used to bounce back much faster. Either way I can't imagine going anywhere else for the 4th of July it just wouldn't seem right. I appreciate the way that Essence tweaks things a bit every year so that it's what you expect, yet still different. Now for the record, I definitely missed Frankie Beverly and Maze and cry foul on the decision to remove them from the lineup this year. Not that Earth Wind & Fire isn't a good band, because they most definitely are, but I just feel like Frankie & Maze are just staples of the Essence experience & they should not have messed with that tradition. But they didn't consult with me. LOL



Saw my favorites of course, Lalah Hathaway, Ledisi, Mint Condition, Joe to name a few. I looooooove the Superlounges so much better than the main stage. It seems the Artists that I like the best are always there. I love the intimate setting & the fact that I can make eye contact with the Artists & get right up close to the stage. I follow Lalah & Ledisi on twitter so that was pretty cool to keep up with them while being in such close proximity.



On the relationship front.....things are going wonderfully ! We have made it to the six month mark just this week and we BOTH are pretty proud of that fact and still excited about it. I am still smiling everyday and feeling blessed to have found someone that accepts me as I am. Also, I think I am going to give my honey (formerly known as Eastcoast) a new blog name, Mr. Mixologist for a couple of reasons. First and foremost because of his talents with creative libations. He prepared some Lemon Drop Martini's for me and my girls to take with us to NOLA and baby, we were feeling it as soon as we got settled in our rooms and broke into that cooler ! He also makes a mean Cosmo and a Mojito that will make you think you are down in Cuba ! Secondly, because he is a hilarious jokester, that keeps me on my toes daily. He is always teasing me and makes me laugh at myself all the time. We have all these inside jokes now, where he or I can say one word, that reminds us of something that we were laughing at last week and we are dying laughing again ! I really like that about him.



This year my birthday is pretty low key since I had the big 3 day Extravaganza last year. However, I do have some family coming in this weekend that will be meeting Mr. Mixologist for the first time. I am both excited and nervous about that. There is one person in particular that I really want him to click with, but I want it to happen naturally. Mr. Mixologist plans to take him to his Cigar spot & just might get him some extra points.



My nieces and nephew will be here soon, to wear me out for a couple of weeks before they head back to school. I am sure to have some blog fodder during their visit, so hopefully I can get into a habit of posting more timely.



Lately, I have been doing more listening and asking more questions and being quiet so I can hear HIM. I am definitely being more reflective these days and being open to receive what is for me. I am learning to accept some things in a real way. This has led me to experience a level of contentment that I haven't felt in a while. It feels good.



Be Blessed !


Beautifully Complex

M. I. A.

It has been more than a minute since I posted on my poor little blog here. I have been reading my favorites and commenting where I can, but just have not found the time. Admittedly, I am caught up in this new relationship and enjoying it tremendously and that has been a huge factor and major distraction. I am on Twitter too, even though I can't always comment a lot because I spend the majority of time behind the wheel of a car while working and can't always tweet, that has kept me from blogging too. But even beyond the blog, I have been MIA in many areas of my life, so caught up in the "new new" (TIH 2009) with this man known here as Eastcoast :) Things are going so well, I think I want to give him a different, more appropriate blog name at some point, but I need to think on it. Any ideas or suggestions ?

Spring Break with my nieces and nephew was wonderful. We crammed so many activities into that week, that I had to call my boss late that week to ask for Monday off just to recover ! We took the kids horseback riding, painted ceramics, did some baking and cooking,  went to Galveston Beach, swimming at a waterpark & hosted a back to school cookout at the house for them and some of my friends kids that live here. Eastcoast was a huge help to me that week, even taking vacation for 3 days to help out. Though he has no children of his own, he is wonderful with kids, extremely patient and very attentive. My nieces ate him up ! LOL.  He helped me with lifeguard duty, help me break up squabbles, he barbecued, and even drove the whole way back to meet their parents for the drop off Sunday.  One of my friends jokingly said, he needs to stop "showing off" LOL ! He also got a chance to meet my sister and BIL, who in turn gave a good report to my parents and some other family members who have been super curious about him, because things are going well for us so far. Neither of us have family in Houston, so it has just been the two of us getting to know one another, so far it has been wonderful. 

We celebrated his birthday a couple of weeks ago along with some of my close friends.  We surprised the Birthday boy and went to Monnalisa a lounge at Hotel Sorella and had a wonderful time. We all started off drinking Martini's but later in the evening the female bartender sold me on their signature drink she had created called the Monnalisa that had some rasberry infused Vodka with some fresh rasberries too, and it was soooo awesome ! I partied like it was my birthday ! We later moved  outside onto the patio where they have some beautiful gazebo's on the edge of the pool and they have LED lights in the pool that change colors. I love hanging out in City Centre and great time was had by all. 

The next day we celebrated solo. I surprised him with a trip to the Day Spa for a couples massage, which he had never experienced before. It was hilarious to see him out of his "comfort zone". He had no idea what we were going to do that day, but he rolled with it and was a good sport about it. He thoroughly enjoyed himself  & actually snored a time or two on the table. Me and both of the masseuses were laughing at that ! Later, we went to see Tyler's new movie and that night for dinner I chose his favorite, Japanese. We went to a new place that has great Sushi and ended up with this hilarious black Hibachi chef who should quit his day job and become a comedian for real. He was so funny ! He really took a liking to Eastcoast & by the end of the night, the chef who had a couple of his friends at the restaurant, bought us all some Sake shots to celebrate. He loved the birthday gifts I selected and was very appreciative of everything. He is not big on birthday's and I really am, so I just had to try to indoctrinate him ! LOL He shared with me the next day that it was the best birthday he's had in a very long time. I really enjoyed making him feel special, because he makes me feel special every day. 

That's enough gushing for the day, I am sure, but happiness is hard to contain sometimes :)

I am gonna do my best to post at least weekly, starting today.

Beautifully Complex

Breaking the Silence

Yesterday I mentioned a guy that I met about six weeks ago online. I met him on this site called P.lenty of F.ish that Tiffany in Houston told me about. I've been on the site for about 3 months & have met a couple of nice guys just no connection yet. So one day this guy contacts me first by email & the communication begins. We had two or three good phone conversations, got past the basic background info, 41, divorced for a little over a year, a couple of kids back in VA, retired military, no red flags at all. We decided to meet within a week. We met at a nice wine bar(of course) and had great conversation, he wasn't overly touchy or anything, but after a couple of hours of conversation and a couple of glasses of vino, I was feeling comfortable and so was he, and I was feeling a little cozy, but the conversation never really got into weird territory or anything. I thought I was feeling some chemistry & after 4 hours of talking, laughing & him planning our next date, I just knew I would see him again, and soon. He walked me to my car, we shared a nice kiss before departing & even chatted early the next morning to discuss finalizing the plans for our followup date. He was headed to his dads house to watch football & was supposed to call me around 6P. When he didn't call me I called him later that evening around 8P & left a voice mail. I called again the next day but hung up when his voice mail picked up. I was going to leave the ball in his court. I never heard from him again and I never initiated any more contact. That was six weeks ago.

Breaking the Silence

That was what he wrote in the subject line of the email I got yesterday. The rest read as follows :

Dear Beautifully Complex,
I know I'm wrong but hear me out, I did enjoy our night together but I don't think, you were looking for the same thing as me. I'm not looking to settle down right now, I am looking to play a little first. I am kinda heavy into the swingers life style right now and I did not read that from you at all. If I was wrong please let me know !!

Wow ! Just wow! Did I dodge a bullet or what ? I promptly replied :

I appreciate your explanation, because honestly, I was very confused by your disappearing act. But as I explained to you and showed you, I don't pursue men who don't seem interested in me. I know that my profile states that I am looking for "long term" and "children" so I am not sure why you had any indication that I was open to that type of lifestyle, or why you would have approached me from the beginning, but I appreciate you letting me know the deal just the same. I have been divorced for over 3 years and have pretty much played as much as I need to & am trying to be true to who I am as a woman. So, no you did not read me wrong at all ! We are definitely looking for totally different things. I wish you success in your search for your hearts desire.

Beautifully Complex

The truth really is stranger than fiction. I mean I could not make this stuff up ! Initially I told one of my friends that I figured that he must have lied about his status ( i. e, he was either married or separated) and figured out from our conversation on the date that it would not fly with me. Later, I just considered that he is single and dating & just encountered someone he was more interested in than me. But the idea that he is a swin.ger and looking to recruit me ! LOL You could have knocked me over with a feather.

I will never understand why people feel the need to fish in the wrong pond. I mean the internet is full of specialized websites to fit just about any niche that exists. This particular dating site has numerous parameters that you can set to determine whom you would like to date. The categories are almost endless. So why pursue someones profile who is completely opposite of what you are trying to do ? What happened to compatibility as a criteria ?Are men just that caught up in the challenge of changing your mind or trying to chop you down ? I am really curious as to what made him contact me after six weeks. I mean, I clearly moved on & he got absolutely no contact from me to indicate that I was even wondering what was up, I did a vanishing act myself after 2 unanswered calls which is customary for me when there is no reciprocity.

The last line killed me " If I was wrong please let me know " HA ! I guess this was his last ditch effort to pull me into this nonsense. Now that I am thinking about it, this fool probably contacted me again because he is not having any luck recruiting any other unsuspecting victims, so he's decided to use the direct approach, yeah just put it out there & see what she says ! LOL Oh well, at least I got a blog post out of it !

Have you ever met any real life swingers ? Ever been recruited or invited to participate ?

Chivalry ....is still alive, Right ? Pt. 1

Chivalry; marked by high-minded consideration especially to women, including honor, generosity and courtesy.

There is a line between guys who are master manipulators of women and guys who are just true gentlemen. Of course I have experienced the full spectrum and I have learned how to recognize the signs. The only way I can be affected by either is if I am actually attracted to you or interested in you first. It's easy for me to spot manipulators especially if you are not my type and you just don't pique my interest. I see the game coming from a mile away. It's also easy for me see a gentleman as well even if you don't appeal to me personally. If I am attracted, I am paying close attention to the most minor details and taking note.

Chris Rock has a sketch in one of his shows where he talks about men not being able to go backwards chexually & women not being able to go back in "lifestyle". It's pretty graphic the way he spells it out but if you can get past his crudeness, I think for many people this is true to a de.gree. I think I can handle the lifestyle part. Having gone through some things in my life personally, I have had to adjust to a change in lifestyle, i.e; div.orce equals one inc.ome vs. two and all that comes with that. My ex outearned me significantly, and I recognize that I may not find myself in a similar situation again, and truthfully I am OK with that because I maintain a lifestyle that I am happy with on my own. I do have some standards and expectations for a partner in that area, but clearly they are not necessarily straight in line with what I had before. Not that I wouldn't want that, it's just not a requirement.

What I have learned to focus more on these days is how a man treats me, specifically how chivalrous he is. I have experienced certain levels of treatment that I have come to expect. I will blog about the others later. Several things can set the stage early on for me but today we are going to talk about just one;

Consideration of anothers time.

For the record, I am known to be a little bit late alot of the time, my family and my closest friends know this about me. I am a bit of a procrastinator but I AM working on it & have improved ALOT. My family accepts it because my mother is waaay worse than me & always has been. They know that I really did get it honestly. I have a sister who got the same unfortunate trait & believe it or not, I am better about time than either of them. My close friends except it simply because, despite this trait, I am a pretty awesome friend ! LOL However, I am always prompt when dealing with people that I don't know well, in professional settings, and also in dating. So a guy who is just getting to know me has no idea, that I can have this tendency because afterall he doesn't really know me & has not spent alot of time with me, so it really bothers me when guys don't call me to say they are running late, or give me the opportunity to adjust what I am doing to accomodate the time change. I mean maybe I could have spent another 10 minutes on my hair if I had known right ?

Just yesterday, I was to have a movie date after church with a guy I have been on 3 previous dates with. As I reflect on this now, I am remembering that he was over 20 minutes late to our first date at a pool hall & did not call. I called him after 10 minutes to make sure I was at the right place because there were 2 similar places in the same vicinity & he was "just around the corner". Anyway, back to yesterday. We discussed some possible movies & I was supposed to get a return call from him in a "little bit" to confirm the show and time. What I got was a call over 4 hours later only to say that he had started to feel ill, had laid down to rest, then accidentally fell asleep & was just waking up. He had awakened to then realize he needed to call me to say that he was still "sick" & he would need a raincheck. How inconsiderate ! Of course he apologized profusely, saying he hoped that he didn't ruin my day or any other plans I may have had, blah, blah, blah ! Of course you ruined my day. Any other options I may have had had passed me by because I left Sunday open for you, but I digress. I guess after a couple of hours I realized that I was being stood up, which is why I didn't call him (pride). Anyway, after he made his excuses, me being the passive aggressive person that these men have led me to become, I simply stated, " I hope you feel better, get some rest. We will talk another time". NOT. I will not be making or receiving any more calls from this clown. I can honestly say that I was willing to try to get to know this guy a little bit better, since I am starting to feel like a " serial dater". There were a couple of things on our last date that kind of bothered me a bit, but after discussing with a couple of friends, I decided to just try to spend some more time getting to know him a little bit better, but after yesterday, I am just not sure I am interested anymore simply because of his lack of consideration of my time. Even if he was truly sick (which is doubtful) the presentation was just all wrong. Chivalry is still alive......right?

What is the proper protocol for cancelling a date ?

How important is the consideration of anothers time in dating ?

Should a gentleman's behavior be contingent on his level of interest or is a true gentleman always a gentleman ?

Thoughtful Thursday-"Laws of Attraction"

I read alot of blogs, so much so, that I have been neglecting my own. Along with Fa.cebook (which is like micro-blogging and more interactive) has kept me away from here for far too long. I am going to try to do better now that summer is almost over. I am currently on a couple of d.ating sit.es too which has also been keeping me occupied. Many of the of blogs I read are dating & relationship oriented & run the gamut from the serious to the hilariously banal. Seems like so many people are in and out of relationships and marriage yet still in "search of satisfaction" as my favorite author J. California Cooper would say. Dating & connecting with people should be fun in my opinion & I know that in the past I have taken a hiatus when it began to feel like a chore to me. I can usually tell when that happens, I get too focused on the search & the failed attempts, which can become exhausting. This then leads to me not being able to muster up much enthusiasm & knowing that this attitude will be what I reflect in my interactions with potential dates, I choose to sit it out for a minute so that I can regroup. I had to do that twice in the last year.
I did decide nearing my milestone birthday this year, that I really wanted to take the focus off of one of my personal goals (to be married again one day) and spend more of my time enjoying the journey. I am trying to be mindful of what I attract based on what I myself project. There was a post this week over at Think Pretty Smart about compatibility. I am in total agreement with this & actually already had something very similar lined out in my dating profiles. I am looking for compatibility in five key areas; spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, physically & financially. I am continually working to improve myself in these areas but am already standing pretty solid where I am now & feel confident that I can attract what I project. I know it may be challenging though & I actually had a sort of spirited debate with a guy a couple of weeks ago while on a date no less. He basically told me that I was expecting too much. The funny thing is, I never specify to potential dates what my actual expectations are in these categories, because I have learned the hard way that some people will attempt to deceive you and try to stretch the facts of who they are to fit your expectations.I couldn't figure out how he thought that I was expecting too much when he didn't even know what my specific standards were. I suspect he already knew he had fallen short of the proverbial bar. The poor little hardhead didn't have a chance with me anyway primarily because he reeked of desperation (this wasn't obvious the night we initally met while I was at a restaurant with some friends). He's divorced for less than 2 years & hasn't had a relationship in that time & kept talking about how bad he wanted to be in a relationship & how he hates "dating" yet in our discussion, it came out that he hadn't done much dating at all. All of his "woe is me" & "I hate being alone" was driving me mad!! It was a total turn off. Guys who just want to be in a relationship & give me the impression that they can just "plug any willing participant in" turn me on my heels. I know men feel the same way about desperate women. Needless to say that was our first and last date. LOL ! Honestly, I do my best to not project much of the disappointment that I myself sometimes feel about being single. I know that I am single today because I haven't connected with the right one. There are a couple of willing participants that just are not a fit for me, so I can patiently wait. I actually think I do a pretty good job in that I stay positive MOST of the time & feel like I live a pretty full life regardless of my relationship status.
I know I have some issues, as most all people do. However, I don't feel flawed and definitely don't look at those who may have successful relationships and feel like I am less than them or anything like that just because it has not happened for me yet, because I know better than that.I have a healthy dose of self-esteem, but something that I have begun to notice is that too many random folks are overly concerned with my dating life. I am not exactly sure why (possibly because most all of my friends are married or in relationships). In over 3 years of being divorced I have been in a couple of short lived relationships, but the rest were just dates that didn't lead anywhere. When I run into friends, or talk to cousins on the phone, or get calls from people I don't talk to often, after we've covered the issues at hand, then comes the long pause & THEY ALWAYS ask "......so, are you seeing anybody special ? " I always give a polite reply but honestly all of the collective pressure that I am made to feel by well intentioned folks is starting to irritate me. I am truly trying to live a "single and satisfied life" but I think society questions whether that is truly possible.
How would you react or respond ?
What are you attracted to in a potential mate ?
What do you think you reflect or project from a dating standpoint ?
Do you believe that single people can ever be truly satisfied ?

Dating Adventures

It's been a minute since I posted about any dating scenarious so I guess I will present one. I have been talking on the phone to a guy who lives in a different city. I will call him Distant One. I met this guy at a party about two years ago evidently we spoke briefly, but according to him, he was "too shy" to approach me. I have zero recollection of this meeting. In December I hosted a Christmas party at my house and a young lady I know brought Distant Ones friend to my house. Evidently there was some discussion via cell phone as to where they were & they put me on the phone. Distant One advised that he had met me previously & inquired as to whether he could get my phone number & call me the next week. We began talking on the phone a few times per week. He seemed like a nice guy. He began to inquire about me sending pictures & I agreed to email him some to his cell phone. He forwarded me a few cell phone pics as he does not have a computer nor a digital camera. The photos were all pretty dark but from what I could tell he looked decent. January was a busy month for me. He had couple of deaths in his family in February and in the first half of March I was busy preparing for my nieces & nephew to visit for Spring Break ! We finally managed to meet this past weekend because he invited me to a Crawfish Boil being hosted by some relatives and friends that live in my city.

Now we have been talking consistently but not as much as I am accustomed to. He is an early bird and I am a night owl. I have more flexibility in my work schedule, so this limited some of our interactions and ability to have longer conversations. One of the things that I look for in conversation is what path a man is on in his life. Distant One made it clear early on that he is looking for a wife, which is fine, but what seemed to bother me was his futuristic talk well before we had even met face to face ! I made my ultimate desire to be married again someday known, but I tend to approach this pretty openly & definitely don't get into that type of talk too deeply until I have determined whether there is a sincere mutual interest between both parties.

This guy is a Christian & has been in church for about 3 years now. He is solidly blue collar, yet he is a home owner. He is family oriented. His went to college for about a year. He is not dumb, but honestly the conversations have been limited because it does not appear that he has any real interests beyond sports. One of the things about him is that he is a jokester. He is always making a joke & sometimes its hard to know when he is "kidding" or serious. Sometimes I have to say, "OK can you be serious for just a second". He asked me well over a month ago to commit to another family event over Easter Weekend. I tried to stall him because I wanted to wait until we had at least met first. This event will involve some travel but I ultimately agreed to attend with him. Last week we agreed that even if after we met if there was no connection, we would still proceed with the event& go our seperate ways after that. It seems to me that he wants to save face with his family. I was OK with that plan initially.

So we met this past weekend. Friday was supposed to be the night that we spent together & then Saturday I was to be at the Crawfish Boil/Domino Turnament with his family & friends. He insisted after picking me up for dinner an HOUR late that we go by his brothers house so that I could meet him and his sister-in-law. First thing I noticed was that he had lied about his height. I am 5'10 ( which means 6' in heels). He made it obvious by calling me "shorty" after the first few minutes in my home. I called him on it & told him there was no way he was 6'. The other thing that I immediately noticed was his teeth. I will attempt to be respectful and just say they were not very appealing to me. What I realized instantly was that in none of the four pictures that he sent me was he smiling. I had no way of knowing. I was a bit dissappointed but trying to be open minded, after all I had been talking with this person for a few months.

The men were in the garage & the women were in the house. They guys were drinking and a bit rowdy, there were some unneccesary comments about my appearance that Distant One should not have subjected me to, as it was very uncomfortable. I realized that I was being paraded for their approval. This was waaaay to premature. We went in to meet the sister-in-law and her friends whom were all very nice. They greeted me very warmly and were very hospitable.The problem I had was when they insisted that we stay there at the house with them because they had "plenty of food if you guys are hungry". I'm thinking," do you people not realize this is our first time meeting and our first date ? "I was gracious and polite but was going to let him handle it. I think for a moment he considered that we would just stay but at some point he got the message.

We went to a restaurant of my choice since we were in my stomping grounds. I should also point out that he does not seem to be much of a restaurant person & his diet consists of bar food, etc. He said that he enjoyed the seafood at Goode Company in Katy. When we walked into the restaurant & were waiting to be seated, he walked away from me to the bar to check the score on the game. I was seated alone & then he looked up to realize that I was already seated. The food was wonderful but the conversation just OK. I think he may use jokes, to alleviate him of nervousness or to hide his limited social skills. During dinner both his sister in law & brother called to find out when we were coming back. I decided to say nothing. I was just going to see how far he would take it. He did ask if I minded if we went back over to their house. He made a comment about them wanting to get to know me. We returned after dinner & basically just sat around watching TV & talking. It was a bit akward for me because again, this is my first time being in the prescence of this person & I am with family members too ? There were alot of inside jokes. I was able to be somewhat involved in the conversation but still this was not what I had expected, especially since the following day there was a scheduled event with these same people. We finally left so that he could take me home. He tried to make it seem as if he was waiting for me to say I was ready to go. I could not understand how he would put me in that position & did not understand why we needed to go back to their house since I had already met them earlier in the evening. We should have taken this time to get better acquainted.

The following day we only had about an hour 1/2 together before going to the event. Conversation was ok, but he made one too many comments about my appearance in my jeans. I was flattered the first time. After that, it seemed juvenile. We arrived at the event. He participated in and won the Domino tournament with a friend of his. I was able to make conversation with the ladies there at the park and later, a friend of mine showed up with her boyfriend. Aftewards we went back to his sisters house & he invited my friend and her boyfriend to come. Distant One was busy playing cards with his relatives and did not really engage me or my friends. My friend attempted to talk with him and her summation to her boyfriend was "BC is not going to like him he doesn't have enough conversation".

He took me home later that night. We were both tired. I invited him in & we sat on the sofa, both falling asleep, limited conversation. I was feeling like I had spent a weekend and did not really know this person any more than before he came & he was leaving first thing in the morning. He stayed for about 30 minutes. When he got back to his brothers house, he called me to let me know that his family was clowning him saying " BC must really not like you, she didn't let you stay at her house not one night!" I had no comment. Now I am trying to figure out if I want to suffer through the event in two weeks or not. I am inclined to try to give him another shot and also keep my word since we did discuss what would happen if we didn't really connect this weekend.

What would you do ? How long should you wait before introducing dating partners to family and friends ?

Raising the Bar

I just finished reading St.eve Ha.rvey's new book, " A.ct Like a La.dy, Thi.nk Lik.e A M.an". It was a very quick read-less than 230 pages and pretty straightforward with the information, much like his comedic delivery. I have read a lot of self-help relationship books in the past so there was not a lot of new information here for me, but it was good to hear some things reinforced from a man's point of view. Evidently he appeared on El.len's show last week and the book debuted at #1 on somebodies publishing list. Now I can definitely see how there are a lot of women who can benefit from reading this book and applying the principles to their dating escapades. Much of it is just common sense. But I guess it seems that it's just not common enough ! LOL One of the recurring themes is basically that you show men how to treat you by what you are willing to accept. He states that women are the ones with the power in male female relationships but we just don't know how to use it. I thought about this and have to agree. I believe that more than anything a lot of women have lost their power in the form of a loss of self esteem. In a round about way this effects other women because it colors the way that men view women collectively and I believe affects the way that men approach women and attempt to deal with some of them in general. I say ATTEMPT because this foolishness does not always work, but it works enough for some guys to continue to try certain things. My friends and I discuss this all the time and we call it "lowering the bar". It seems that so many women have bought into this "man shortage" theory, as well as lowering their expectations in general, that the game has been changed. Men don't have a problem approaching you with nonsense, because it works or has worked for one of his boys. In the book, Steve talks about the various reasons that men cheat. He stated that the biggest reason of all is "There is always a woman out their willing to cheat with him". And this is done knowingly. He explains, "Men can cheat because there are so many women willing to give themselves to a man who doesn't belong to them. He talks about how so many relationships and marriages could be saved if more women refused to participate in these situations because they thought they deserved better. He says "Men Respect Standards-Get Some". I guess after reading this book, I kind of felt a bit of sadness, because honestly this book is targeted towards basically grown women who should have learned these concepts after a couple of heartbreaks. It is sad that we as women ( in general) have lowered the bar to the point that there is a real audience for this type of book. I don't know what the solution is, but I guess we just have to Raise the Bar one woman at a time.

Have you read this book ? What did you learn ?

Why do you think there is an audience for it ? What are your thoughts ?