Stay off my D@#% Phone !

Please excuse me while I get real ignorant.  I really try to keep it PG-13 around here, but today is not that day. LOL

This weekend I get a random text from a stray from like 3 years ago. We used to talk on the phone mostly & we dated very briefly, he just wasn't for me. He was a nice guy just no connection for me. He has had a hard life, lots of childhood trauma, so in many ways I always felt sorry for him & tried to be as nice as possible especially when I let him know for certain that I just was not interested in him romantically. Not that it matters,  but for the record, we were never physically intimate.

I remember that I had communicated with this person very briefly a couple of times via text since I have been with Mr. Mixologist. On both occasions, I  made sure very tactfully, to let this person know that I was happily involved in a serious relationship, because he inquired about my status. I have his old number still in my phone, but this text came in from a different number. I missed the first few texts messages from him, because I was sleeping.

Here is the text exchange (check out the times of these messages). My responses are in bold.  My commentary is in italics.

10:53 PM    Hi Beautifully Complex

why do they always text in the middle of the night ? 

  7:01 AM    Good Morning

 10:18AM    Hello

 10:38AM   Got a new cell phone, whose number is this ?

 10:39AM   This is ______How are you ?

 10:41AM   Doing great. How about yourself  ?

 10:43 AM  Same here, did you and Romeo get married ?

 10:46AM  We are engaged. He put a nice ring on it.
                   We are planning our wedding.
                   It's next year. How is your love life ? 


 10:50AM   Was going well, I may be single again soon.

 10:51AM  Sorry to hear that.

 10:53AM  It happens

this is where it went wrong......

 10:53 AM Are u still thick and sexy ?

10:58 AM  Send me a pic

11:01 AM  Yes No

11:13 AM You gonna ignore me ?

.....why state the obvious ?

11:22 AM Hello

damn, I guess he just doesn't get it. I guess I could have continued to ignore him, but I just really needed to get him off my phone. 

12:03PM  Asking about my body & asking me for a pic...
                 TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE. 
                 You  pretend to want to be friendly, 
                 but I won't jeopardize the trust
                 I have in my relationship by entertaining your text messages. 
                 Peace & blessings to you. 

Just when I though he had bowed out gracefully, 4 hours later.......

 4:00PM  F#%@  You !

4:10 PM  Yeah I know you wish you could LOL Lose my number.
                 Don't EVER contact me from any number ever again. 
                 I always try to treat you with respect you don't deserve. 
                 Stay off my phone you disrespectful asshole !
                 Enjoy your miserable life.


4:15PM   OK B$%#@ ! Enjoy his little D&%$ !

4:24PM   Yeah, you wish it was little LOL. He wears a size 15 shoe.
                 Trust & believe I am more than satisfied with
                 the bat he is swinging, which is why I won't EVER let you
                 and your phone games jeopardize what I got going on.
                 You can call me all the names you wish.
                 I know who I am and yet it is YOU who always shows
                 back up on MY phone LOL.
                 You don't deserve the respect I've always tried to show you.
                Stop texting me. Just imagine I am invisible to you.
              
               
4: 38PM   Sorry for the name calling

4: 56PM   Are we cool

4: 58PM   Are we cool

IGNORE 

WTH ? You text me all random,  at late hours in the night, then again at the break of dawn !  You get inappropriate with me after I have confirmed that I am off the market & then when I check you on it, you want to cuss me out,  call me out of my name and then try to insult my dude !  Really, what part of the game is this ????  I was heated !

You know guys love to talk about how thirsty the women are out here in these streets and I for one am getting tired of hearing it, because what guys don't talk about is how clingy & desperate acting they can be, and  how they try to hate on the next man, just because a woman is not interested in playing games them ! I have never been the one to send pictures of myself to men on cell phones. EVER. I don't understand why people do this. This is how you end up embarrassed on the the damn internet !

I leave my email open, my cell phone unlocked and my FB open so that my love knows I have nothing to hide. We use each others laptops and cell phones all.the.time. I do my best to be an open book with him. The last thing I want is some damn confusion about some stray ass dude from 3 years ago typing inappropriate ish on my d@$& phone !


Thanks for entertaining my rant LOL

****steps off my soapbox and sits my ass down******

Thoughts ? Comments ? Questions ?

Beautifully Complex 

Day 3 My First Love

I have to admit I am going to cheat & post something I wrote back in 2010 for a blog challenge that I never finished. I might have some new lurkers LOL !

I was nearing the end of my Senior Year in High School when I met CW. I was pumping gas and he was on the other side, making eyes and trying to get my attention. I am tall 5'10 and he was a little bit shorter than me by an inch or so. I can remember not being very strongly attracted to him initially and thinking that his eyes were too large, or something silly like that, plus his height was somewhat of a turn off, but evidently his game was tight because we ended up in a 3 year relationship and you couldn't tell me he wasn't the ish !

He told me his name and unbeknown to me, he had been a basketball star at an area high school.  I was surprised at this since he was short in my opinion. I  later learned he was a point guard. I specifically remember that he was amazed that I didn't recognize his name, especially since I went to another high school that was a major sports rival to his school. Unfortunately, other than to run track for a couple of years, I was pretty much a book worm/nerd & not necessarily in the popular crowd. Now I was popular with the "scholarly" kids, but in the grand scheme, not so much. As a matter of fact, I was Valedictorian of my class, and I just wasn't into sports and very rarely went to games at my school.  He later told me the fact that I genuinely didn't know who he was made me more attractive to him, because he had had enough of groupie girls that just wanted to date him because he was a popular athlete.

When I got home and called one of my friends & told her about the guy who I met at the gas station and gave my phone number to, she screamed " OMG ! CW ? You met CW at the gas station ? " She then began to extol his virtues, and popularity, etc.  He called shortly thereafter and we were off.  Several weeks later, he attended my High School Graduation and brought me a dozen red roses, which in 1987 was a really big deal ! LOL 

We spent a wonderful summer falling deeply in love. It was really intense. We saw each other every.single.day.  When Fall arrived, I remember him taking me on a special date to celebrate my heading to college at Bennigan's. I remember this vividly because I had my first alcoholic drink, a Long Island Iced Tea, because he knew the waiter, and even though I was only 18, I was having a cocktail, with my boyfriend in a restaurant and baby, I thought I was doing the most ! At the end of the date, when they served dessert, he presented me with a promise ring, and I was done ! It had a pearl with two little diamond "chips" on each side. I wore that ring with so much pride. I actually still have it in a jewelry box somewhere. LOL.

The school I went to was about an hour and a half away, but I promise you that first year, we still saw each other every single weekend and sometimes through the week, when it wasn't during basketball season, he would drive to see me. I was so ate up with this man !  I still have the many, many love letters that he wrote to me in college somewhere tucked away in my Cedar Chest just for nostalgia. 

Sadly we broke up after almost 3 years, during the time that I was actually transferring to a school that would be much closer to him. The breakup was caused by problems that stemmed from a couple of things. First, I found out that he was smoking marijuana on a pretty routine basis.  Which I did not approve of and did not expect, since he was an athlete. He later admitted that he had been hiding this from me since the very beginning, because I was such an L7 ! LOL  Then, I caught him cheating, basically red handed, with the girl coming out of his dorm room, when he thought I was somewhere else.  It turns out that he could smoke weed with this chick, so he in the end chose her over me. 

Oh the heartbreak and heartache this caused me !  I actually made the first and only "F"  I had ever made in my life. I remember the class was Statistics. Because it was the first class of the day on MWF and I would drive to Campus, sit in my car and cry and cry & missed this class so many times, I didn't even know what was going on. But in time, I got over it, but I still remember that it was very hard.

In later years, I heard through the grapevine, that he married the same girl he cheated on me with, they had a couple of kids, and they moved to Arizona for several years. Later they divorced after he developed a drug addiction that he just could not beat. I continued to hear rumors throughout the years, that he was still struggling with drugs. This made me extremely sad when I heard about it because, despite breaking my heart, he was a really good person, that I cared a lot about for a significant time in my life.  And he played a major role in my life story. About 2 years ago, a couple of my cousins saw him out and about in the City we lived in and they informed me that he did in fact appear to be "cracked out", very obviously so and had moved back home. He asked them about me. They mentioned I lived in Houston. He asked if I was married, and when they informed him I was recently divorced, he told one of them, " Here's my number, tell Beautifully Complex to give me a call " LOL !  Ummm..........no ! 

Thoughts ? Questions ? Comments ?  

Beautifully Complex 

My First Love

I was nearing the end of my Senior Year in High School when I met CW. I was pumping gas and he was on the other side, making eyes and trying to get my attention. I am tall 5'10 and he was a little bit shorter than me by an inch or so. I can remember not being very strongly attracted to him initially and thinking that his eyes were too large, or something silly like that, plus his height was somewhat of a turn off, but evidently his game was tight because we ended up in a 3 year relationship and you couldn't tell me he wasn't the ish !

He told me his name and unbeknown to me, he had been a basketball star at an area high school.  I was surprised at this since he was short in my opinion. I  later learned he was a point guard. I specifically remember that he was amazed that I didn't recognize his name, especially since I went to another high school that was a major sports rival to his school. Unfortunately, other than to run track for a couple of years, I was pretty much a book worm/nerd & not necessarily in the popular crowd. Now I was popular with the "scholarly" kids, but in the grand scheme, not so much. As a matter of fact, I was Valedictorian of my class, and I just wasn't into sports and very rarely went to games at my school.  He later told me the fact that I genuinely didn't know who he was made me more attractive to him, because he had had enough of groupie girls that just wanted to date him because he was a popular athlete.

When I got home and called one of my friends & told her about the guy who I met at the gas station and gave my phone number to, she screamed " OMG ! CW ? You met CW at the gas station ? " She then began to extol his virtues, and popularity, etc.  He called shortly thereafter and we were off.  Several weeks later, he attended my High School Graduation and brought me a dozen red roses, which in 1987 was a really big deal ! LOL 

We spent a wonderful summer falling deeply in love. It was really intense. We saw each other every.single.day.  When Fall arrived, I remember him taking me on a special date to celebrate my heading to college at Bennigan's. I remember this vividly because I had my first alcoholic drink, a Long Island Iced Tea, because he knew the waiter, and even though I was only 18, I was having a cocktail, with my boyfriend in a restaurant and baby, I thought I was doing the most ! At the end of the date, when they served dessert, he presented me with a promise ring, and I was done ! It had a pearl with two little diamond "chips" on each side. I wore that ring with so much pride. I actually still have it in a jewelry box somewhere. LOL.

The school I went to was about an hour and a half away, but I promise you that first year, we still saw each other every single weekend and sometimes through the week, when it wasn't during basketball season, he would drive to see me. I was so ate up with this man !  I still have the many, many love letters that he wrote to me in college somewhere tucked away in my Cedar Chest just for nostalgia. 

Sadly we broke up after almost 3 years, during the time that I was actually transferring to a school that would be much closer to him. The breakup was caused by problems that stemmed from a couple of things. First, I found out that he was smoking marijuana on a pretty routine basis.  Which I did not approve of and did not expect, since he was an athlete. He later admitted that he had been hiding this from me since the very beginning, because I was such an L7 ! LOL  Then, I caught him cheating, basically red handed, with the girl coming out of his dorm room, when he thought I was somewhere else.  It turns out that he could smoke weed with this chick, so he in the end chose her over me. 

Oh the heartbreak and heartache this caused me !  I actually made the first and only "F"  I had ever made in my life. I remember the class was Statistics. Because it was the first class of the day on MWF and I would drive to Campus, sit in my car and cry and cry & missed this class so many times, I didn't even know what was going on. But in time, I got over it, but I still remember that it was very hard.

In later years, I heard through the grapevine, that he married the same girl he cheated on me with, they had a couple of kids, and they moved to Arizona for several years. Later they divorced after he developed a drug addiction that he just could not beat. I continued to hear rumors throughout the years, that he was still struggling with drugs. This made me extremely sad when I heard about it because, despite breaking my heart, he was a really good person, that I cared a lot about for a significant time in my life.  And he played a major role in my life story. About 2 years ago, a couple of my cousins saw him out and about in the City we lived in and they informed me that he did in fact appear to be "cracked out", very obviously so and had moved back home. He asked them about me. They mentioned I lived in Houston. He asked if I was married, and when they informed him I was recently divorced, he told one of them, " Here's my number, tell Beautifully Complex to give me a call " LOL !  Ummm..........no ! 

Comments  ?

Questions ?

Observations ?

Beautifully Complex

Reflections on Family

I have had a fun filled two weeks with my nieces and nephews,  but I can honestly say they have worn me out ! LOL I try to make their trips to Houston full of activities and to be honest sometimes I may overdo it, but I just feel like I am missing out on so much of their development since we don't live close, so I really concentrate on "making memories" and they seem to enjoy it. This is the same crew that comes for Spring Break each year. I only have one sister (my biological father does have other kids but I didn't grow up with them and don't know them very well). We grew up close with our cousins, because our mothers were extremely close. My sister has 3 kids and two of my cousins send their daughters too, so I end up having six kids ranging in ages of 3 to 16. Now I can say the oldest one, my cousins daughter is a great help, without her assistance with washing and combing heads,  fixing plates, I don't know if I could make it some days. My sister's oldest Savannah who is almost 10 is also a huge help especially with her 3yr old brother, plus she is a bit of a busy body, and wants to be involved in everything, which sometimes works in my favor when I need her ! LOL

My family arrived the day after my birthday to bring the kids to Houston, and  all the parents stayed over the weekend before heading back home. It was so funny, my cousins 5 yr old Alexandra, must have thought her parents were just going to drop her off and keep it moving cause we were having breakfast on Saturday and she looked at her dad and said "so when are y'all leaving ?"  LMAO we cracked up, and her dad said, "why do you ask ?" and she said, " I was just wondering cause I'm on vacation !" LOL We were dying laughing ! 

For the most part, I let them get away with a lot, staying up late, sleeping in, snacking just being kids, but they are at the age where all of their personalities are becoming so developed and there are some conflicts that arise, some arguing, etc. which I know is just natural kids stuff. It's funny to listen to them when they think no one is paying attention. Listening to how they resolve conflict, how they brag, even tell tall tales trying to impress one another, and even how they try to manipulate me like I don't see them coming a mile away ! LOL

It rained quite a bit over these past weeks, so a lot of the outdoor activities I planned got rained out, like Kemah Boardwalk (ooh their feelings were hurt !), but we did get to go the Aquarium Downtown and Itz for Olivia's 8th Birthday as well as roller skating and painting and a couple of movies. We had to move it indoors for the most part but still managed to have some fun. 

Now I know I have said this before, but it bears repeating. Every time these children come here, turn my life upside down and then leave me to myself, I have a renewed respect for the daily time, attention, work,  and commitment to nurturing that full time mother's put in day after day. I mean mad respect. As a single person who lives alone with only me to be responsible for on a daily basis, I can easily see what an full-time... or I should say overtime job motherhood is in a very real way. Not to mention the emotional aspect of being a constant encourager, answering the craziest questions, having to discipline, etc. Then, getting those kids dressed for church on Sunday after cooking breakfast and combing hair was enough to have me spent and as soon as service was over, it was time to feed them yet again. ! Ooh wee.

One of the things that definitely adds to my work load is the swimming. I am definitely a water baby. Me and my sister both have been swimming since were were 7 & 8. I love the fact that these kids love the water and are not afraid of it at all just like us. The younger ones see that the older ones can swim and want to keep up with them so they are doing their best to learn too. The only thing is all these kids have lots of hair, and you have to take great care to insure that the chlorine gets out.  So some days when I just did not have it in me to do the full on  hair production yet again, I had to say no, but most days I would just suck it up, because I can vividly remember and still know of the joy that swimming brings ! We have a community pool in my Subdivision a few blocks away, but last summer, the crew managed to charm my neighbor across the street who has a huge two story house with a pool and jacuzzi in the back. She invited them last year to come over any time and again this year when she saw they had arrived, gave us the same open invitation, which we accepted several times these past two weeks.  Since we are traveling tomorrow, while we were out today, I let them  get her a gift card and a thank you card. They were so excited to get back home, write their own personal messages in the card and run it over to her house ! LOL

So tomorrow is the final day. I have been washing and packing all evening, getting the snacks for the road trip ready, and preparing myself for the long ride. Although, I will have help with that. Mr. Mixologist will be driving us back tomorrow. He has been a big help as well, even took them to Imaginations to paint while I went to the Salon to get my hair done and a pedicure ! Huge points. He grilled for us last week and also treated us to a movie and these kids are working their way into his heart ! LOL.  When he wasn't around they were asking about him.... his status.... his ETA ! LOL .  Mr. Mixologist  did make my birthday special, he cooked dinner for me, gave a beautiful card, and did not disappoint when he presented me with great seats to this Concert. When my family got here two weeks ago, we had a little belated happy hour for my birthday here at the house, and he worked really hard, serving up his famous libations to which they were much appreciative. So all in all my birthday was great ! 

**ahem**

Yes, Mr. Mixologist is going home to meet the family :) I am a little excited, yet nervous. Don't really know why, but feel silly that it matters so much. Hope it goes well.... I know that it's going to be OK,  but I am still anxious. I guess since it has been along time since any body mattered this much, I just want it to go well... on both ends. I don't want to put too much pressure on the situation but truthfully, when you live far away, usually you only bring  significant people around your folks. Maybe in some small way, I am worried that taking this step too soon might jinx it & then as soon as I say it, that sounds silly LOL, but I am being honest. My parents & aunts,uncle and other cousins are anxious to meet him and I guess just curious, and very excited that things are working well for us, so they want to get a look at him! LOL My cousins gave good reports from two weeks ago. Best believe I heard about that. So anyway wish me luck. I am sure that I am anxious for nothing.

How has your summer been ?

Created any special memories ?

Comments or Observations ?

Beautifully Complex

M. I. A.

It has been more than a minute since I posted on my poor little blog here. I have been reading my favorites and commenting where I can, but just have not found the time. Admittedly, I am caught up in this new relationship and enjoying it tremendously and that has been a huge factor and major distraction. I am on Twitter too, even though I can't always comment a lot because I spend the majority of time behind the wheel of a car while working and can't always tweet, that has kept me from blogging too. But even beyond the blog, I have been MIA in many areas of my life, so caught up in the "new new" (TIH 2009) with this man known here as Eastcoast :) Things are going so well, I think I want to give him a different, more appropriate blog name at some point, but I need to think on it. Any ideas or suggestions ?

Spring Break with my nieces and nephew was wonderful. We crammed so many activities into that week, that I had to call my boss late that week to ask for Monday off just to recover ! We took the kids horseback riding, painted ceramics, did some baking and cooking,  went to Galveston Beach, swimming at a waterpark & hosted a back to school cookout at the house for them and some of my friends kids that live here. Eastcoast was a huge help to me that week, even taking vacation for 3 days to help out. Though he has no children of his own, he is wonderful with kids, extremely patient and very attentive. My nieces ate him up ! LOL.  He helped me with lifeguard duty, help me break up squabbles, he barbecued, and even drove the whole way back to meet their parents for the drop off Sunday.  One of my friends jokingly said, he needs to stop "showing off" LOL ! He also got a chance to meet my sister and BIL, who in turn gave a good report to my parents and some other family members who have been super curious about him, because things are going well for us so far. Neither of us have family in Houston, so it has just been the two of us getting to know one another, so far it has been wonderful. 

We celebrated his birthday a couple of weeks ago along with some of my close friends.  We surprised the Birthday boy and went to Monnalisa a lounge at Hotel Sorella and had a wonderful time. We all started off drinking Martini's but later in the evening the female bartender sold me on their signature drink she had created called the Monnalisa that had some rasberry infused Vodka with some fresh rasberries too, and it was soooo awesome ! I partied like it was my birthday ! We later moved  outside onto the patio where they have some beautiful gazebo's on the edge of the pool and they have LED lights in the pool that change colors. I love hanging out in City Centre and great time was had by all. 

The next day we celebrated solo. I surprised him with a trip to the Day Spa for a couples massage, which he had never experienced before. It was hilarious to see him out of his "comfort zone". He had no idea what we were going to do that day, but he rolled with it and was a good sport about it. He thoroughly enjoyed himself  & actually snored a time or two on the table. Me and both of the masseuses were laughing at that ! Later, we went to see Tyler's new movie and that night for dinner I chose his favorite, Japanese. We went to a new place that has great Sushi and ended up with this hilarious black Hibachi chef who should quit his day job and become a comedian for real. He was so funny ! He really took a liking to Eastcoast & by the end of the night, the chef who had a couple of his friends at the restaurant, bought us all some Sake shots to celebrate. He loved the birthday gifts I selected and was very appreciative of everything. He is not big on birthday's and I really am, so I just had to try to indoctrinate him ! LOL He shared with me the next day that it was the best birthday he's had in a very long time. I really enjoyed making him feel special, because he makes me feel special every day. 

That's enough gushing for the day, I am sure, but happiness is hard to contain sometimes :)

I am gonna do my best to post at least weekly, starting today.

Beautifully Complex

Excited About the Possibilites

Please excuse me while I try not to gush ! LOL This year has gotten off to a great start. I have been super busy at work over the last several months and though I had been complaining a bit about it, last week I did have my annual review and I must say I was more than pleased that my manager seems to really appreciate my contributions. She has shown me in so many ways that she is cutting for me big time and I count that as a blessing. In this economy, in this recession that is touching everyone, even in my close circle with its effects, I know whom to give the praise.

This weather has done a number on my "Getting it in, in 2010" fitness plan, since it has been colder than usual here, its been hard for me to stay motivated to get out and run like I need to. Despite that, I have been focusing consistently on some changes to my diet and have actually seen some results. The pounds are coming off slowly, but they are still coming. I plan to give up bread for Lent, which is something that I loooove, that is hard for me to not have, but I know that is going to give me a extra boost too along with the exercise when I start getting to it regularly. I have signed up for a 5K at the end of March and thanks to fellow blogger SingLikeSassy I plan to get it done.

I am getting ready for my nieces and nephew's annual Spring Break Retreat to Texas. I have been busy doing my research and planning our activities and outings, making my grocery list, and such to ensure that we have a grand time as we always do. When they come, everything and everybody else is put on hold, and my world turns upside down completely, they run me ragged, we have a blast, we all cry when they leave (or at least me and Savannah do ! LOL), and it takes me at least 3-4 days to physically recover ! LOL But it is so worth it. This year, my cousins are sending their daughters along too, so I will have a full plate of little ones. I have a hard time keeping up with FB, twitter, and blogging now, so I know its going to be crazy when they get here next month.

And lastly, but definitely not the least, I have managed to wake up, turn a corner and encounter one of the most amazing men that I have met in a very long time. It has been only a short time, but the intensity and the level of interest and compatibility is there on all fronts and I am honestly excited and very optimistic. We met just after the beginning of January, I was at a birthday party for a friend, and me and my BFF decided to ride along with him to go pick up some Cigars for the guys at the party, and this new guy who will be known as East Coast was sitting in the Cigar Bar with a group of guys. He was in the corner wearing a hat and he noticed me first. I never even saw him because I was inside the humidor intently trying to learn something about Cigars. Fast forward to our first date at Starbu.cks that lasted 3 hours. The second date we left a jazz club to go to a different Starbu.cks for another 2 hour conversation, on the third date, we saw "The Bo.ok of E.li" and went to Starbu.cks for another 3 hours of great conversation.

We have gotten off to a great start and things are developing very nicely. He is so considerate, very interesting, extremely funny, meaning I am laughing every single day ! LOL He is highly intelligent, and a Christian. He treats me with so much respect and he expresses himself with no problem. He is very giving and a great listener and observer. He is extremely close with his family, even though they don't live here in Texas. We share so many of the same interests, that last night while we are all hanging out, my BFF asked me right in front of him " WTH, did you go to Build-a-Bear or something ! LOL" We were all laid out laughing at her comment. The chemistry and attraction is off the charts and most importantly he is being very consistent with me. All of this to say, that I am very open and happy to feel excited about the possibilities. He knows my whole backstory and I know his. He tells me, that it is amazing to him that I am not bitter. I am thankful that he sees me that way, because I know for sure there are some remnants there, but I feel blessed that HE has healed me in many many ways. I want to be "emotionally available" to receive what is for me, when it's for me. In the mean time, I have figured out that true love can only find its way through an OPEN heart.

To all my readers and lurkers,

Happy Valentines Day !

Any special plans ? How do you like to celebrate ? Other thoughts/comments ?

What are you excited about?

Beautifully Complex

Just Me..........Randomly

Greetings Blog family ! Hope your 2010 is off to a wonderful start. Other than the record breaking cold temperatures in Houston over that last couple of weeks making me have to dust off my winter coat that I usually never use here, it has been great.

Got a chance to check out a new wine spot last week. Max's Wine Dive. The wine was great and the food looked really good, but I had already eaten so I didn't get a chance to sample. My group was standing at the end of the bar, near the entrance to the kitchen, so I could see the constant parade of food headed to the tables. I exercised some major discipline and didn't order anything and also limited my wine intake for the evening. The ambiance and the crowd were cool to so I most definitely will be back.

Happy Founder's Day to my beautiful, intelligent, and talented Sorors of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Inc. I was looking through some pledge pictures of me and my line sisters last night and cannot believe how unbelievably skinny I was in college. I would not want to be that skinny again..... but dropping 15-20 lbs. would be good for this year ! LOL

I have a friend who is from Haiti who I actually met online several years ago. Please pray for his family during this challenging time. I spoke with him by phone yesterday and he seems OK but I could not imagine how to deal with so much uncertainty. It seems that financial donations are the best means of helping at the moment.

Tomorrow morning is the Houston Marathon, wish I had stayed committed, like I planned and I wouldn't be talking about dropping lbs :( ! I was looking over my finisher medals from the 4 Half-Marathons that I have completed & had really wanted to be able to run the full by the time I was 40, but my knees have just said no way. I am going to watch it on TV in the morning and then get on the bike for ride. The good thing is that one of my friends has signed me up for another 20 mile bike ride in March and a couple of road races ( 5K & 10K) so I am trying to get prepared & motivated to meet some fitness goals.

Speaking of, so far this year I have been focused on cooking and eating out less. I was doing pretty good the first 10 days or so, but then worked kicked in hard the second week and I have been putting in some very long hours & it's just so convenient to grab something when you are tired. Sometimes meal planning seems like work and I procrastinate & then end up just back to the same. I will try again this weekend to do my shopping and planning & just be better.

I have been getting some of the funniest emails from internet dating sites that I subscribe to.
I think I may save some of them for blog fodder as opposed to deleting them like I usually do.
I haven't really been actively searching but just read the messages that I get a couple times a week. It's funny, since that little age box clicked over to 40 on my profile, all the the 55+ think they have a shot ! LOL


My plans for the lovely weekend include girls night tonight, grocery shopping, meal planning and my date with Denzel Washington on Saturday ! LOL ,then Sunday, watch a bit of the Marathon on TV, put some miles on the bike, head to church, cook dinner & chill. Monday is MLK Day, so weather permitting I will be at the parade. Well, I am headed out to run some errands and get dressed to head to Sullivan's for some fun time with some great friends ?


What's going on random with you ?

Wine Enthusiast !

One of the coolest Bloggers on the Planet, Serenity is having a contest over at her spot this week. I am trying to get some bonus points & try to win a little something, plus you might win yourself so be sure to head over there and check her out !http://serenity23.blogspot.com/2009/09/its-party-yall.html


I have been lea.rning more about wine for the last couple of years and have actually learned to enjoy it quite a bit. My favorites are whites, like Pino Grigio, Gewurztraminer, and Riesling. Most of my friends are on the bandwagon now, but I always enjoy taking someone to a new spot. There are numerous Wine Bars popping up all over Houston lately like, Cel.lar 17 and one owned by a young brother called 55 De.greez.


Today I will let you in on a few of my favorites in the Houston area. The first one is called Vinotropolis. Now I really like this place because the staff is extremely helpful and not at all pretentious like some places. I would recommend this place because the owners have tasted EVERY bottle on the shelf and have these little cards attached to the shelves that gives you a very specific & detailed explanation of the flavors and what the wine tastes like. This is very helpful for beginners. You can check their site out here.http://www.vintropolisbar.com/

Another really nice one is called Crush. Now its located in The Woodlands which is a really nice suburb just north of Houston, but don't that that deter you. This Wine Bar has two levels. My favorite spot is the roof top Patio which overlooks the waterway. Its really cool, especially at night and has lots of draped Gazebo's and reminds me of a place I went to in Miami several years ago. This is a nice place to take a date or a group of friends. Check it out !http://www.thecrushbar.com/gallery.php

Finally, my most favorite place in Houston, and a pretty well kept secret for a little while at least, is Son.oma Wine Bar & Boutique. This place is really cozy and intimate, they have a wonderful fireplace and you feel like you are sitting in someones well appointed living room. The wine of course is great but surprsingly the food is amazing too. They have expanded their menu quite a bit in the year and half I have been hanging out here. I had a wonderful party this past summer to celebrate my 40th Birthday & everyone really enjoyed the Wine and the food. I got so many compliments because so many people never even knew this place existed.You can check there site out too. Be sure to click on the photo gallery to see how they set it out ! http://www.sonomahouston.com/

I like to think of myself as an up an coming Wine Enthusiast, but my sister just calls me a "Win-o" LOL ! If you are ever in Houston, try to hit up one of these spots and I am sure you will enjoy it tremendously.

What are some cool spots for wine in your city ?

What is your favorite type of wine ?

How many glasses does it take for you to feel mellow ?

Chivalry ....is still alive, Right ? Pt. 1

Chivalry; marked by high-minded consideration especially to women, including honor, generosity and courtesy.

There is a line between guys who are master manipulators of women and guys who are just true gentlemen. Of course I have experienced the full spectrum and I have learned how to recognize the signs. The only way I can be affected by either is if I am actually attracted to you or interested in you first. It's easy for me to spot manipulators especially if you are not my type and you just don't pique my interest. I see the game coming from a mile away. It's also easy for me see a gentleman as well even if you don't appeal to me personally. If I am attracted, I am paying close attention to the most minor details and taking note.

Chris Rock has a sketch in one of his shows where he talks about men not being able to go backwards chexually & women not being able to go back in "lifestyle". It's pretty graphic the way he spells it out but if you can get past his crudeness, I think for many people this is true to a de.gree. I think I can handle the lifestyle part. Having gone through some things in my life personally, I have had to adjust to a change in lifestyle, i.e; div.orce equals one inc.ome vs. two and all that comes with that. My ex outearned me significantly, and I recognize that I may not find myself in a similar situation again, and truthfully I am OK with that because I maintain a lifestyle that I am happy with on my own. I do have some standards and expectations for a partner in that area, but clearly they are not necessarily straight in line with what I had before. Not that I wouldn't want that, it's just not a requirement.

What I have learned to focus more on these days is how a man treats me, specifically how chivalrous he is. I have experienced certain levels of treatment that I have come to expect. I will blog about the others later. Several things can set the stage early on for me but today we are going to talk about just one;

Consideration of anothers time.

For the record, I am known to be a little bit late alot of the time, my family and my closest friends know this about me. I am a bit of a procrastinator but I AM working on it & have improved ALOT. My family accepts it because my mother is waaay worse than me & always has been. They know that I really did get it honestly. I have a sister who got the same unfortunate trait & believe it or not, I am better about time than either of them. My close friends except it simply because, despite this trait, I am a pretty awesome friend ! LOL However, I am always prompt when dealing with people that I don't know well, in professional settings, and also in dating. So a guy who is just getting to know me has no idea, that I can have this tendency because afterall he doesn't really know me & has not spent alot of time with me, so it really bothers me when guys don't call me to say they are running late, or give me the opportunity to adjust what I am doing to accomodate the time change. I mean maybe I could have spent another 10 minutes on my hair if I had known right ?

Just yesterday, I was to have a movie date after church with a guy I have been on 3 previous dates with. As I reflect on this now, I am remembering that he was over 20 minutes late to our first date at a pool hall & did not call. I called him after 10 minutes to make sure I was at the right place because there were 2 similar places in the same vicinity & he was "just around the corner". Anyway, back to yesterday. We discussed some possible movies & I was supposed to get a return call from him in a "little bit" to confirm the show and time. What I got was a call over 4 hours later only to say that he had started to feel ill, had laid down to rest, then accidentally fell asleep & was just waking up. He had awakened to then realize he needed to call me to say that he was still "sick" & he would need a raincheck. How inconsiderate ! Of course he apologized profusely, saying he hoped that he didn't ruin my day or any other plans I may have had, blah, blah, blah ! Of course you ruined my day. Any other options I may have had had passed me by because I left Sunday open for you, but I digress. I guess after a couple of hours I realized that I was being stood up, which is why I didn't call him (pride). Anyway, after he made his excuses, me being the passive aggressive person that these men have led me to become, I simply stated, " I hope you feel better, get some rest. We will talk another time". NOT. I will not be making or receiving any more calls from this clown. I can honestly say that I was willing to try to get to know this guy a little bit better, since I am starting to feel like a " serial dater". There were a couple of things on our last date that kind of bothered me a bit, but after discussing with a couple of friends, I decided to just try to spend some more time getting to know him a little bit better, but after yesterday, I am just not sure I am interested anymore simply because of his lack of consideration of my time. Even if he was truly sick (which is doubtful) the presentation was just all wrong. Chivalry is still alive......right?

What is the proper protocol for cancelling a date ?

How important is the consideration of anothers time in dating ?

Should a gentleman's behavior be contingent on his level of interest or is a true gentleman always a gentleman ?

Thoughtful Thursday-"Laws of Attraction"

I read alot of blogs, so much so, that I have been neglecting my own. Along with Fa.cebook (which is like micro-blogging and more interactive) has kept me away from here for far too long. I am going to try to do better now that summer is almost over. I am currently on a couple of d.ating sit.es too which has also been keeping me occupied. Many of the of blogs I read are dating & relationship oriented & run the gamut from the serious to the hilariously banal. Seems like so many people are in and out of relationships and marriage yet still in "search of satisfaction" as my favorite author J. California Cooper would say. Dating & connecting with people should be fun in my opinion & I know that in the past I have taken a hiatus when it began to feel like a chore to me. I can usually tell when that happens, I get too focused on the search & the failed attempts, which can become exhausting. This then leads to me not being able to muster up much enthusiasm & knowing that this attitude will be what I reflect in my interactions with potential dates, I choose to sit it out for a minute so that I can regroup. I had to do that twice in the last year.
I did decide nearing my milestone birthday this year, that I really wanted to take the focus off of one of my personal goals (to be married again one day) and spend more of my time enjoying the journey. I am trying to be mindful of what I attract based on what I myself project. There was a post this week over at Think Pretty Smart about compatibility. I am in total agreement with this & actually already had something very similar lined out in my dating profiles. I am looking for compatibility in five key areas; spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, physically & financially. I am continually working to improve myself in these areas but am already standing pretty solid where I am now & feel confident that I can attract what I project. I know it may be challenging though & I actually had a sort of spirited debate with a guy a couple of weeks ago while on a date no less. He basically told me that I was expecting too much. The funny thing is, I never specify to potential dates what my actual expectations are in these categories, because I have learned the hard way that some people will attempt to deceive you and try to stretch the facts of who they are to fit your expectations.I couldn't figure out how he thought that I was expecting too much when he didn't even know what my specific standards were. I suspect he already knew he had fallen short of the proverbial bar. The poor little hardhead didn't have a chance with me anyway primarily because he reeked of desperation (this wasn't obvious the night we initally met while I was at a restaurant with some friends). He's divorced for less than 2 years & hasn't had a relationship in that time & kept talking about how bad he wanted to be in a relationship & how he hates "dating" yet in our discussion, it came out that he hadn't done much dating at all. All of his "woe is me" & "I hate being alone" was driving me mad!! It was a total turn off. Guys who just want to be in a relationship & give me the impression that they can just "plug any willing participant in" turn me on my heels. I know men feel the same way about desperate women. Needless to say that was our first and last date. LOL ! Honestly, I do my best to not project much of the disappointment that I myself sometimes feel about being single. I know that I am single today because I haven't connected with the right one. There are a couple of willing participants that just are not a fit for me, so I can patiently wait. I actually think I do a pretty good job in that I stay positive MOST of the time & feel like I live a pretty full life regardless of my relationship status.
I know I have some issues, as most all people do. However, I don't feel flawed and definitely don't look at those who may have successful relationships and feel like I am less than them or anything like that just because it has not happened for me yet, because I know better than that.I have a healthy dose of self-esteem, but something that I have begun to notice is that too many random folks are overly concerned with my dating life. I am not exactly sure why (possibly because most all of my friends are married or in relationships). In over 3 years of being divorced I have been in a couple of short lived relationships, but the rest were just dates that didn't lead anywhere. When I run into friends, or talk to cousins on the phone, or get calls from people I don't talk to often, after we've covered the issues at hand, then comes the long pause & THEY ALWAYS ask "......so, are you seeing anybody special ? " I always give a polite reply but honestly all of the collective pressure that I am made to feel by well intentioned folks is starting to irritate me. I am truly trying to live a "single and satisfied life" but I think society questions whether that is truly possible.
How would you react or respond ?
What are you attracted to in a potential mate ?
What do you think you reflect or project from a dating standpoint ?
Do you believe that single people can ever be truly satisfied ?

Dating Adventures-Online Edition

I have been actively back on the dating scene via a couple of online dating sites recently. I have only had a few dates despite opening communication via emails and phone calls with several potential suitors. I thought the beauty of this forum is the idea that you get to somewhat "weed out" or screen for the people whom you don't think you would be compatible with. In my opinion, the whole essay about yourself and the questions and answers displayed are an opportunity to present who you really are so that both parties can determine the possibilities of compatibility. See for me, compatibility is what I look at FIRST and foremost in some core areas, then my next expectation relates to chemistry which I don't really think can be determined until you meet in person. One of the guys I met about a month ago, I will call him Mr. Marathon. We chatted a couple of times by phone before meeting at a coffee shop. We spent about 2 hours getting to know one another. He is former military, extremely fit & somewhat handsome. Even though its not the usual type of handsome that I am attracted to, I am trying to break out of my box & broaden my dating pool, so I am trying to consider guys who don't normally look like my "type". We had some things in common like running road races and a love of travel. He seems like a pretty straight laced guy, pretty even-keeled. One thing I noticed was he seems to be pretty self-made & confident in his career and accomplishments and overall place in life. The only thing he feels he is missing is a good wife. He is divorced at 45 with two children in their 20's. His answer to the question of whether he wants more kids on his profile was "not sure". In person during our discussion the answer seemed more like "probably not". The other issue that came up was the fact that he is not an active member of any church despite professing to be a Christian, nor does he attend church other than sporadically. I try to tread lightly in this area when discussing with folks, but I am always interested in why able bodied Christians don't attend worship services. His answer was that 3-4 yrs ago he was a member of a church but that they wanted too much of his time. There was always some event or function that required his service ( time or talent) and it just got to be too much so he quit going to church.
***crickets***
I guess I was wondering why he didn't just find another church and become a "less active" participant and maybe my thoughts were showing on my face, because he then came back with the statement that ".... well, you know, I know some really bad people, living really foul lives that go to church every Sunday...." and " Everybody that goes to church is not a Christian, etc."
***double crickets***
This has to be my all time worst excuse that people give for not going to church ! I mean in all of Houston, you can't find a church to attend that's not full of heathens ? LOL ! Furthermore, how is it that you let the person standing next to you in worship & what they do in their day to day life, dictate whether or not you want to be in the service to receive food for your own spirit ? I guess I was hoping he would just admit to backsliding and indicate that he planned to get back involved but just needed to make the commitment or something along those lines, but to put it on the other people in church ?! I don't get it.

Anyway this was a huge red flag for me for a number of reasons. First and foremost, I expect any man with real potential to be my husband to be in position spiritually to lead our household in this area. I am dating men in their late 30's & early 40's so I expect a certain amount of spiritual maturity at this point in their life, or at least the quest for it. I mean if you call yourself a Christian, what could you be waiting on at this point in life ? Also, I have a really close firsthand example of this issue because I have a very close friend who has been married for about 8 years now. Her husband did not go to church when they met. He was Baptist but hadn't been active since childhood. She is Catholic attends every Sunday, sings in the Choir too. While dating he attended sporadically with her but even then, it was not regular attendance on his part. She has admitted to me that even to this day, it is something that she really resents about him, especially on Sundays when she gets up, cooks breakfast, gets their child ready for church, and they go alone, leaving her husband to sleep in and watch sports, or whatever he has deemed more important than attending church with his family. I know as a Christian, you are supposed to witness and bring others into the body of Christ, but in my friends situation, he claims to be a Christian and to be saved, just makes excuses for not going to church. Every now & then, he will sense her anger about this, go with them for a Sunday or two, until she is not obviously angry about it, but then he just slips back into his normal pattern of not going. In the end, other things just have priority in his mind, in my opinion. That is why I would hope to meet someone who is already committed to their own spiritual position & practicing it in their life. I really don't want someone, specifically a man, to start going to church, just because he is dating me, because then I would think its about me and not his own personal spiritual growth. I really try to live a life of balance, spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally & financially. I have standards and expectations for myself in all of these areas & I look for potential mates that are compatible with ME in these same areas. After being married for 10 years and observing many other marriages, I just don't see how it can last long term when you are not compatible in some key areas.

How important is spirituality to you in dating ? Do you consider attending worship service regularly a part of spiritual growth ?

What are some of your most important areas or of compatibility ?

Have you ever compromised in any of these areas in a relationship ?

How did that work out ?

Dating Adventures

It's been a minute since I posted about any dating scenarious so I guess I will present one. I have been talking on the phone to a guy who lives in a different city. I will call him Distant One. I met this guy at a party about two years ago evidently we spoke briefly, but according to him, he was "too shy" to approach me. I have zero recollection of this meeting. In December I hosted a Christmas party at my house and a young lady I know brought Distant Ones friend to my house. Evidently there was some discussion via cell phone as to where they were & they put me on the phone. Distant One advised that he had met me previously & inquired as to whether he could get my phone number & call me the next week. We began talking on the phone a few times per week. He seemed like a nice guy. He began to inquire about me sending pictures & I agreed to email him some to his cell phone. He forwarded me a few cell phone pics as he does not have a computer nor a digital camera. The photos were all pretty dark but from what I could tell he looked decent. January was a busy month for me. He had couple of deaths in his family in February and in the first half of March I was busy preparing for my nieces & nephew to visit for Spring Break ! We finally managed to meet this past weekend because he invited me to a Crawfish Boil being hosted by some relatives and friends that live in my city.

Now we have been talking consistently but not as much as I am accustomed to. He is an early bird and I am a night owl. I have more flexibility in my work schedule, so this limited some of our interactions and ability to have longer conversations. One of the things that I look for in conversation is what path a man is on in his life. Distant One made it clear early on that he is looking for a wife, which is fine, but what seemed to bother me was his futuristic talk well before we had even met face to face ! I made my ultimate desire to be married again someday known, but I tend to approach this pretty openly & definitely don't get into that type of talk too deeply until I have determined whether there is a sincere mutual interest between both parties.

This guy is a Christian & has been in church for about 3 years now. He is solidly blue collar, yet he is a home owner. He is family oriented. His went to college for about a year. He is not dumb, but honestly the conversations have been limited because it does not appear that he has any real interests beyond sports. One of the things about him is that he is a jokester. He is always making a joke & sometimes its hard to know when he is "kidding" or serious. Sometimes I have to say, "OK can you be serious for just a second". He asked me well over a month ago to commit to another family event over Easter Weekend. I tried to stall him because I wanted to wait until we had at least met first. This event will involve some travel but I ultimately agreed to attend with him. Last week we agreed that even if after we met if there was no connection, we would still proceed with the event& go our seperate ways after that. It seems to me that he wants to save face with his family. I was OK with that plan initially.

So we met this past weekend. Friday was supposed to be the night that we spent together & then Saturday I was to be at the Crawfish Boil/Domino Turnament with his family & friends. He insisted after picking me up for dinner an HOUR late that we go by his brothers house so that I could meet him and his sister-in-law. First thing I noticed was that he had lied about his height. I am 5'10 ( which means 6' in heels). He made it obvious by calling me "shorty" after the first few minutes in my home. I called him on it & told him there was no way he was 6'. The other thing that I immediately noticed was his teeth. I will attempt to be respectful and just say they were not very appealing to me. What I realized instantly was that in none of the four pictures that he sent me was he smiling. I had no way of knowing. I was a bit dissappointed but trying to be open minded, after all I had been talking with this person for a few months.

The men were in the garage & the women were in the house. They guys were drinking and a bit rowdy, there were some unneccesary comments about my appearance that Distant One should not have subjected me to, as it was very uncomfortable. I realized that I was being paraded for their approval. This was waaaay to premature. We went in to meet the sister-in-law and her friends whom were all very nice. They greeted me very warmly and were very hospitable.The problem I had was when they insisted that we stay there at the house with them because they had "plenty of food if you guys are hungry". I'm thinking," do you people not realize this is our first time meeting and our first date ? "I was gracious and polite but was going to let him handle it. I think for a moment he considered that we would just stay but at some point he got the message.

We went to a restaurant of my choice since we were in my stomping grounds. I should also point out that he does not seem to be much of a restaurant person & his diet consists of bar food, etc. He said that he enjoyed the seafood at Goode Company in Katy. When we walked into the restaurant & were waiting to be seated, he walked away from me to the bar to check the score on the game. I was seated alone & then he looked up to realize that I was already seated. The food was wonderful but the conversation just OK. I think he may use jokes, to alleviate him of nervousness or to hide his limited social skills. During dinner both his sister in law & brother called to find out when we were coming back. I decided to say nothing. I was just going to see how far he would take it. He did ask if I minded if we went back over to their house. He made a comment about them wanting to get to know me. We returned after dinner & basically just sat around watching TV & talking. It was a bit akward for me because again, this is my first time being in the prescence of this person & I am with family members too ? There were alot of inside jokes. I was able to be somewhat involved in the conversation but still this was not what I had expected, especially since the following day there was a scheduled event with these same people. We finally left so that he could take me home. He tried to make it seem as if he was waiting for me to say I was ready to go. I could not understand how he would put me in that position & did not understand why we needed to go back to their house since I had already met them earlier in the evening. We should have taken this time to get better acquainted.

The following day we only had about an hour 1/2 together before going to the event. Conversation was ok, but he made one too many comments about my appearance in my jeans. I was flattered the first time. After that, it seemed juvenile. We arrived at the event. He participated in and won the Domino tournament with a friend of his. I was able to make conversation with the ladies there at the park and later, a friend of mine showed up with her boyfriend. Aftewards we went back to his sisters house & he invited my friend and her boyfriend to come. Distant One was busy playing cards with his relatives and did not really engage me or my friends. My friend attempted to talk with him and her summation to her boyfriend was "BC is not going to like him he doesn't have enough conversation".

He took me home later that night. We were both tired. I invited him in & we sat on the sofa, both falling asleep, limited conversation. I was feeling like I had spent a weekend and did not really know this person any more than before he came & he was leaving first thing in the morning. He stayed for about 30 minutes. When he got back to his brothers house, he called me to let me know that his family was clowning him saying " BC must really not like you, she didn't let you stay at her house not one night!" I had no comment. Now I am trying to figure out if I want to suffer through the event in two weeks or not. I am inclined to try to give him another shot and also keep my word since we did discuss what would happen if we didn't really connect this weekend.

What would you do ? How long should you wait before introducing dating partners to family and friends ?

All That Jazz

This past weekend I had the wonderful experience of hearing a couple of my favorite musicians perform live. On Saturday night I went to see Joe Carmouche a popular Jazz Guitarist. He has a very nice and intimate place in downtown Houston called Le.gends Jazz Cafe. I went to listen to him and his trio play on a first date with a new guy that I actually met last week at W.al-Mar.t of all places. (Details in another blog post). I really enjoyed it. The have some really nice artwork everywhere. It's very simple and cozy spot and the music was amazing ! I was able to talk with him personally after the set as he seemed to be quite familiar with my date. I have seen him perform opening for lots of Jazz artists that come through Houston. In person he was very gracious and made me feel really welcome. They also serve some very good Cajun Cuisine too. We shared an appetizer platter which consisted of some Boudain Balls, some type of Seafood Egg Rolls, Chicken Wings and some Seafood Beignets that were really good. Since I gave up alcohol for Lent, and my date does not imbibe, I'm not sure about whether or not the drinks are good. This is definitely a very nice place to take a date or even friends. The crowd was extremely diverse and really responsive to the music. I will definitely return.

On Friday night, a girlfriend and I went to one of my favorite spots in Houston, The R.ed Cat Ja.zz Cafe to hear Frank McComb who is more like a Jazz vocalist. He plays keyboard and has a voice as smooth as silk. I should also mention he is fine as wine ! My mom is a huge fan so I managed to get a photo with him after the show. She was so excited to open up her email. Frank sounds like a cross between Donny Hathaway and Stevie Wonder and has smile that lights up the room. The Red Cat is a larger venue that the other place and has quite a bit of local talent like Kyle Turner a saxophone player that plays pretty regularly. This is a great place for people who really appreciate real music and is not even close to being a meat market or pickup spot. Now the food at the Red Cat is not recommended. I have been disappointed many times so I try to always come after dinner. I make a point to get out to this place at least every other month or whenever a national artist comes through.

I love to go and hear artists that I know perform well live. Some of my absolute favorites are Lalah Hathaway, Ledisi, Jill Scott, Mint Condition, Anthony Hamilton and Kem.

Who are some of your favorite live performers ? Where in your city can you go to hear truly talented artists and musicians ?

Raising the Bar

I just finished reading St.eve Ha.rvey's new book, " A.ct Like a La.dy, Thi.nk Lik.e A M.an". It was a very quick read-less than 230 pages and pretty straightforward with the information, much like his comedic delivery. I have read a lot of self-help relationship books in the past so there was not a lot of new information here for me, but it was good to hear some things reinforced from a man's point of view. Evidently he appeared on El.len's show last week and the book debuted at #1 on somebodies publishing list. Now I can definitely see how there are a lot of women who can benefit from reading this book and applying the principles to their dating escapades. Much of it is just common sense. But I guess it seems that it's just not common enough ! LOL One of the recurring themes is basically that you show men how to treat you by what you are willing to accept. He states that women are the ones with the power in male female relationships but we just don't know how to use it. I thought about this and have to agree. I believe that more than anything a lot of women have lost their power in the form of a loss of self esteem. In a round about way this effects other women because it colors the way that men view women collectively and I believe affects the way that men approach women and attempt to deal with some of them in general. I say ATTEMPT because this foolishness does not always work, but it works enough for some guys to continue to try certain things. My friends and I discuss this all the time and we call it "lowering the bar". It seems that so many women have bought into this "man shortage" theory, as well as lowering their expectations in general, that the game has been changed. Men don't have a problem approaching you with nonsense, because it works or has worked for one of his boys. In the book, Steve talks about the various reasons that men cheat. He stated that the biggest reason of all is "There is always a woman out their willing to cheat with him". And this is done knowingly. He explains, "Men can cheat because there are so many women willing to give themselves to a man who doesn't belong to them. He talks about how so many relationships and marriages could be saved if more women refused to participate in these situations because they thought they deserved better. He says "Men Respect Standards-Get Some". I guess after reading this book, I kind of felt a bit of sadness, because honestly this book is targeted towards basically grown women who should have learned these concepts after a couple of heartbreaks. It is sad that we as women ( in general) have lowered the bar to the point that there is a real audience for this type of book. I don't know what the solution is, but I guess we just have to Raise the Bar one woman at a time.

Have you read this book ? What did you learn ?

Why do you think there is an audience for it ? What are your thoughts ?

Married Living Single

Yesterday over at CreoleinDC the question was asked about whether or not you would be ok with dating someone who was legally seperated while waiting to file for divorce and whether or not you considered people in this situation still married or not. The vast majority of responses were in the vein of "seperated does not equal divorce". At the end of the day, a person will do what they want to do & what they can live with. The question becomes can you live with the consequences of your choices if you put yourself in a situation such as this ? Because from what I have seen, things can become complicated and confusing & lots of people can get hurt when you bring outside parties into the equation. The outcomes can vary quite a bit. I meet lots of guys all the time who claim to be "seperated" and trust me, there is always a backstory of some sort, with the sole purpose of justifying to me why they should actually be considered "available" for me to date. I believe a fraction of what they tell me. I always pass on these dating options & am amazed at the energy & effort that these men put into the pursuit of dating & living single while married & wonder if the same effort was put into saving their marriage ? Having survived a very painful divorce & having to go through alot of grief, loneliness & much therapy I realize that the time in your life when you marriage is being dissolved is very precarious. When you meet someone who is seperated you have no true idea if they have dealt with the issues & problems that lead to the divorce & trust me, that can become your problem if you are not careful. I know for a fact that seperation does not always end in divorce. It is my opinion that seperation should be time spent being sure that divorce is what is best & if so making sure that the legal aspects are settled & complete. That is all you need to be focused on while you are seperated. What some people fail to realize is that bringing in a third party can only complicate this process. Sometimes people are not prepared for the emotions that they come to feel when they realize that divorce is actually going to happen. You mix in children and the plot thickens. I know men who have been seperated from their wives, flaunting their mistress all around town, among family, friends, and then wonder why they get screwed in the custody arrangements, child support issues & property division. Would it kill a person, to put all romantic relationships on hold until your business is handled ? Is it that crucial ? Another scenario for the third party is that they get used and abused after they have become emotionally invested. Ask my ex-husbands mistress. She deluded herself into believing all that he was telling her. For one thing, some people who are seperated still continue to be sexually intimate, after all, they are still married. I sometimes regret some of my choices , but my mind was in a bad place, I did not want the divorce & the truth is up until our final court date when it was finalized, I would have been willing to reconcile on the courthouse steps. Long story short, after divorcing me, my ex realized that he had no intention of leaving a 10 year marriage (16 year relationship total) to walk right into another serious situation with the mistress. He had to deal with some of his own issues that he was able to avoid while being with her. It took him about a year to get rid of the mistress because she just could not accept it & turned into a psycho-stalker LOL ! ( Imagine that coming from the same chick who called me at my home & couldn't understand why I wouldn't just accept the divorce & let her have him !) He then spent about a year playing the scene and as I understand it, is now dating a woman 15 years younger than him. I don't have an ounce of pity for her. Karma is a B ! Although many situations my end differently, it just makes sense to wait and finish one chapter before you begin another.

Do you know anyone who ended up happy after dating a "married but seperated" man ?

Why are so many people willing to begin dating & even start full blown relationships before they have handled their business ?

Text Fighting Aint Fair

Not sure how this happened but I ended up in a "text battle" today that really managed to aggravate me. Once in a while I will meet someone, have a few dates & things just don't fully click. No big deal it usually seems apparent to both people when the connection does not develop. It's happened to me enough times that I just don't sweat it. Two decent people, just no mutual feelings develop. After our 4th and final date last week, I was pretty much sure that me & Military (from my post earlier this week) were through. As I mentioned there were just a few things that had come to bother me over the approx 30 days we dated. I truly was attempting to just be sure that I wasn't being too particular & trying to give things a bit of a chance. He was being a little pushy(aggressive), but I tried to understand that because that is how some people are when they are interested in someone. He evidently was "sure" he wanted to pursue this with me after such a short time, whereas I can honestly say that he was still being evaluated on my end. But either way we were just dating. He called me the day after our New Year's Eve date & I missed the call. He left a message. I returned his call about an hour later but got his voicemail so I left a message for him to call me back. He did not call me for at least 2 days I'm sure. I fully intended on telling him when he called back that I just wasn't feeling it. He never returned my call & I never called him back. I thought perhaps he was sensing the disconnect as well & had decided to let things just fade to black. No biggie. Fast forward almost a week to today. I know that he left for a business trip on Sunday which was actually the same day that I managed to put my cell phone in the washing machine. It was the weekend, I had to file a claim for my replacement phone & then get it activated. I have been off the air for approx 3 days so if he called but didn't leave a voicemail I wouldn't know. If he sent a text I wouldn't know. Either way, I awake this morning to the following message:

"Have not heard from u. Whats up u alright or just not interested?"

I take a minute and decide how to respond. I truly wanted to make this more about me & less about him so I replied;

"I'm cool just took some time for personal reflection. But honestly my interest has waned. I just don't feel enough of a connection. I wish you peace. "

This was his response:

" I think you should have been more honest earlier I would have more respect for you if you had. My time is very valuable to me & u wasted it. Good luck."

Now I have to be honest. Looking back on this. It was my fault that things got truly ugly. I should have just let it go. But the problem was that I made it a point to try to make this about me but he had to go & accuse me of being dishonest & insinuate that he had less respect for me? I should have just let him have the last word. But no I just had to respond:

" We went on 4 dates. No dishonesty here. It takes ME a little time to get to know a person to determine if we are compatible. But sense you mention respect I would have more for you if you were less-------"

My message cut off, so he quickly responds :

"Less what ?"

My response was this:

"Less arrogant. U assume your time is more valuable than mine. I tried to tactfully explain how I felt & you basically are trying to make me out to be a liar !"

Now he's getting heated, so this was his response:

"Arrogant ? U went on dates with me accepted gifts & did not have the courage to tell me what was going on with u. Try to validate ur behavior anyway u want. I'm glad ur true colors are showing"

For the record, the "gifts" he refers to is a pair of tickets to a basketball game that he purchased months ago for himself (and whomever he intended to plug in). However his month long business trip was going to prevent him from being able to attend the game. He actually told me about the tickets on our second date & explained that he intended to give them to a co-worker of his. I don't know if he was gauging my interest or what. It was just conversation as far as I knew. About a week later he mentioned that his co-worker was also going to be out of town. Again I made no comment. I do recall him asking me what I was doing on the 13th. Anyway, on our third date which was after he returned from visiting his family at Christmas, he gave me a Christmas Card with the tickets inside. I did graciously except them. His statement to me was" you better take one of your girlfriends and not some other man". I said " Of course not I have more class than that "& we laughed. Later during this same dinner date our conversation centered on whether or not I had told my family about him, since he was aware they were in town for Christmas. I advised that I had NOT & had to explain that I just don't give my family specific details about my dating life unless I am settled into a relationship. He wanted me to know that he had told his mother and his children ages 16, 14 & 6 about me. This was puzzling to me & we discussed our different philosophies about it, but we just flat disagreed about it. I thought it was very premature & told him so directly. Our fourth date was New Years Eve & at this point I had no solid reason to back out. But I will admit my disconnect was beginning to become real to me but I decided to see how things would go. But a couple of things that happened that night sealed it for me (for a later post). Anyway back to the texts. I just felt like he was attacking me for having "dated" him & was trying to make me out to be trying to get something out of him. In my opinion the tickets were an afterthought. He did not buy the tickets for me, so its not like he went out & selected something specifically for me. Secondly, I was not even his first choice to give the tickets to. He gave them to me because he didn't want them to go to waste. (He is new to this area & doesn't know many people). So I responded like this:

" True Colors" ? You pretentious ass ! You should learn how to deal with rejection better. We went on 4 dates. Get over it !"

His response:

"Very Christianlike behavior usually ignorant people use profanity because they have no other way to express themselves. Goodbye"

My final answer:

"Judgement and attempting to be condescending is not Christianlike either. Learn some humility. Please don't text me anymore control freak."

He did not respond again.

I know I was wrong in many ways but I truly felt provoked. It should not have happened through texting but the truth is, he is one of these guys that always seems to prefer texting over talking on the phone anyway. I realize that I should have had the courage to call him on the phone & I do regret that. But he did ask the question in a text. I truly feel bad, that I allowed myself to get into a "text fight" like this. But I would have felt worse if we had ended up in a verbal argument. I did resolve to try to be "slow to anger & quick to mercy" this year but it just went out the window. It's still January I guess I can start over tomorrow !

Have you ever had a text fight ? How many dates does it take you to figure out if you have a real connection with someone ?

Step Up Your Game !!!!

This past weekend, while hanging out at a friends pool, I met or should I say, got reacquainted with a guy that I had met several months ago. This guy is the frat brother of one of my dear friends' husband. We met the 1st time around Christmas at a party hosted by these friends. I was there with a guy that I was dating exclusively at the time. We met again at a gathering about 3 months ago. This time I was there with my dear friend. Now I don't remember all of the details, but evidently we had conversation, and some mild flirtation, but for me after a couple of martini's, it comes easy. I try my best to not get out of hand, its just part of being sociable. Anyway, this guy seems cool, he is funny, somewhat attractive,a bit arrogant( I like confidence better) but, no worries, I can handle myself. Well in the days following the party, my dear friend calls & says "NY" is so caught up with you, he was begging me for your number, he is in love with your laugh, etc., etc.(Sidenote-I really love a good joke, like to laugh & have a wicked since of humor. However, in most cases I am laughing for one of two reasons; either you said something truly funny, or you said something extremely stupid & rather than check you on it, I am laughing at you !) Now my dear friend, knows my whole story (for the most part) and she has been in the know of ALOT of my dating dramas, helped me through my divorce,.etc. So she proceeds to fill me in on the background info on this guy & fills me in on what she knows about his past. In college, he was the biggest ho on the yard, he dogged his wife out for years & years before she finally divorced him, currently he has a live in girlfriend,but nobody ever sees her, he's a party boy, on & on. Nothing at this point has sparked my interest. It was just girl talk (i.e. gossip), I made mental notes. However it was not a concern for I was in a relationship at the time and truly focused on that. Fast forward 3 months. They had another party during the 4th of July ( I was kicking it hard in New Orleans at Essence with some other friends!). This guy was evidently at their party & was looking for me/expecting me to be there. Of course I was told of this later. Currently, my relationship is in limbo (that's another post) and we are in the process of trying to figure things out. Both parties involved are aware of this fact as it has been expressed & understood. Things are different, but there is still some communication & a desire to figure things out. My relationship is actually a long distance relationship. He lives in another city that is a 2 hr plane ride from here. However during the 10 months we have been together someone travelled every other weekend ( up until the last 2 months).Anyhow, I got a chance to chat with "NY" at this pool party last weekend and I must say, the wonders of men & how they think never ceases to amaze me ! First of all compliments are nice, women usually appreciate them, but after a while, it can get a little redundant. Can we have a conversation ? Can you ask a thoughtful question ? I mean damn are you really trying to get to know me ?Secondly, stop telling me how picky & selective you are, and how special I must be to have gotten/maintained your attention when you don't even know me ! The only thing you could be focused on is the physical aspect of me, which in my opinion is the least of me !! Hell I knew I was a star before I met you and will still be one when you leave,and it has nothing to do with how I look ! Third, assume that because we know the same people, that they talk, and yes I do know something about your current situation. Please keep that in mind, while you are spinning your tale. Now dude has a "live in" girlfriend mind you, he said girlfriend. I simply indicated that I am in a relationship & that currently I am focused on it. I guess what ultimately kills me is that he then proceeds to tell me how unhappy he is, why its not working, etc. etc. so I am trying to figure out why you are not single ??? At some point he mentioned his previous marriage & how badly he treated his wife and how he now has regrets, but that he was just immature & he has grown. Yet he continues to push up on me in a major way, trying to get me to admit my interest in him, trying to get my number, telling me that I am just what he is looking for while he is currently in a live in relationship!!! Hell, in some states he would be considered "common law married " ! I have no respect for anyone male or female that cannot bear the idea of being single and being alone (unattached, not living with someone-even if out of convenience) prior to entering into another relationship.

Men it seems have the hardest time with this and I wonder do we as women contribute to it ?

Is it an ego trip for women to be the chick that he left someone for?

Why don't people in general have respect for other's relationships ?

The best thing he could have done would have been to conduct himself with respect ( i.e. don't dog out your current girlfriend), don't challenge my situation ( He actually said " I bet I can make you forget about ol' boy") ,find some common interests, talk to me like a person, and try to make a friend. If after that, there is some mutual attraction, it will be duly noted. Then, if the next time you see me, if I happen to be single, and you happen to be single, maybe you might get a shot !

Ultimately, I noticed a couple of things that stopped me cold, even if both I and this guy had been single:

First: He smoked cigarettes like a chimney ! None of my friends smoke. That is a big turnoff to me from a hygiene/grooming standpoint. Now imagine my reaction when after walking me to my car, he actually told me he wanted to kiss me.....eeewww !

Second: I told him that I had to leave the party early because I had to get up early and run in the AM. He actually said " you mean like with tennis shoes outside ? I mean I see people do that on TV but I didn't think people actually did that in real life!" Ok so health conscious you are not-
( thats a minus -15 off the top!)

Thirdly: I bet this guy couldn't tell you 3 things he learned about me over
the course of 2 hours that would confirm why he is interested in me. I spent most of my time listening to his drama. Some people really don't understand the art/dynamics of conversation.

If it hadn't been for the Watermelon Martini's I would've left way earlier:)