Trials & Tribulations

In the span of 10 days I have had two friends drop the bomb on me that they are more than likely getting divorced. Honestly, this is something that will always bother me. I am one of those people that despite the divorce stats, and all that we see around us, wants the people around me to make their marriages work. I shed tears after both of these discussions and then I prayed.

You don't get to pick your cross. I am divorced. I am infertile. Neither was by my choice. These are two of the most challenging, life altering things that I have ever had to go through and today I am happy and fulfilled. But the important thing is that I made it through. I believe that I handled the infertility (which came first) pretty well for the most part. Last week on one of my favorite blogs, Monica said to someone, " I told her that with time, she would make it to the other side of what she was dealing with, but that it would never go away...it will just hurt less over time, and in that way, time was the healer, and she needed to allow time the process."  This statement totally resonated with me. It is honest and it is real.  On a rare occasion, I still feel a flutter in my womb when I am in a store and hear a little baby cry. From time to time when I have to check that box that says DIVORCED on a form, I wince at the failure of it all & that is just being totally honest.

Back to the other story. When I was going through my divorce, my Pastor connected me with a woman who ultimately became a wonderful friend and prayer partner. She helped me beyond what I can express here because she had already been through what I was in the midst of at the time and that is why he connected us. She ultimately with God's help, was able to save her marriage. I can specifically remember her telling me one day, " One day in the future, you are going to get on your knees & thank God for this situation because he is preparing you to be a blessing to someone else".  At the time, I was so hurt and angry at her for making that statement.  I could not imagine thanking Him for the  gut-wrenching pain I was feeling. All I wanted was for God to give me what I wanted, which was to repair my marriage & I would thank him for that ! LOL It took me a long time to see and understand just how right she was.

If there is one thing that I have learned its that you must learn to find peace where ever you are.  After speaking with one of my friends last week, I posted this on my FB status:

PEACE: It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be CALM IN YOUR HEART.

In the same moment that your life can be falling apart, someone else is being brought out of a dark place in their life. This is the cycle of life. So much of it is not in our hands, but in His. Change is inevitable and that is the blessing. This is something that I had to learn. As far as coping, I can't really say that I handled my divorce well.at.all. LOL ! In fact, it pretty much "handled me". I feel like I went through it very "ugly". Sometimes my pride hates that fact. But it is my story, my trial, my testimony and it was a great teacher.

People tend to seek out those who they feel can really understand, who may have some experience, those they can be honest and transparent with. Those who they can trust. One of my friends who is divorcing, knew my situation intimately. This friend was there for me in ways I could never count. I most likely didn't get fired when I wasn't functioning because of the support of this friend. I bared my soul down to the bones and this friend knew the depths of my hurt, my desperation to save my marriage, my lack of shame to be honest with all that I was dealing with. This friend saw me vulnerable in a way not many have. Now it seems, its time for me to return the favor.

It's easy to focus on the problems in a marriage. I cannot repair a marriage. Only God can change the hearts of men. But if you have decided this is what you want to do AND you ask me what I think about it all, I will be honest about the good, the bad, and the ugly. When the dust settled on both my infertility and divorce the lessons learned served me well:

Sometimes rejection is just redirection.

Taking you places that you know you would have never gotten to following your own path. There is more than one road to happiness and having the desires of your heart.

Sometimes hurting can be humbling.

Giving you a deeper compassion and understanding to help those that will come after you. Understanding that any one of us can be dealt a heavy blow.
Asking,"Why me ?" becomes "Why NOT me ?"

Sometimes fear builds fortitude.

Facing what seems unbearable can build you up to be able to handle many more unforeseen challenges that life can bring to your door.

When talking to both of my friends, I do not sugarcoat the " single life." Yes it can be a welcome reprieve from a bad marriage, but it is no cake walk. I enjoyed many aspects of it. I traveled a lot, plenty of socializing, carefree living, with minimal responsibilities. Dating was fun and interesting for a while, but it was also disappointing, and a constant reminder of my divorce. I was manipulated and lied to by the game players attempting to bank on my vulnerability. I am very comfortable being alone for long periods of time. I don't have any family members close & enjoy many solo activities that require little interaction from others, but that doesn't minimize the natural desire for companionship & all the benefits that come with a healthy partnership. There is nothing wrong with desiring a healthy marriage and many divorced people are surprised at how many "intangibles" of married life they miss.

I also do not sugarcoat divorce and the divorce process either. Fighting over "stuff" which is just another way to fight with the person causing you pain. Divorces can be amicable but that is only when BOTH parties have accepted the loss of the marriage and that is rarely the case. I jokingly say, "it's the gift that keeps on giving" because one of the things that cut me deep was the slow erosion and loss of things that came with being married that I lost AFTER the divorce was final. Things like, my married friends pulling away, changing relationships with my ex-husbands family that I had known since I was 20 yrs old. The challenge to your self esteem, feeling like a failure, losing everything, your financial peace, moving to an apartment when you've been a homeowner for years. We all make choices & sometimes they seem easy to make, but it's the consequences of those choices that will challenge you.

I want both of my friends to find peace with their decisions. Their marriages. Their choices. I can tell you what the Bible says. I am glad that they value my opinion enough for me to be among the first that they chose to confide in, cry with, and share their pain with. I feel blessed that they trust me. Both friends expressed that watching my grace in the midst of my trial is what made them know they could come to me with such a situation. I guess it wasn't so ugly after all. You never know who is watching you or how God is using you. Both conversations were very emotional and afterwards when I got on my knees to pray for the both of them, I knew that my friend Vena, that I met through my Pastor years ago was right, "One day, in the future, you are going to get on your knees & thank God for this situation because he is preparing you to be a blessing to someone else." 


Thank your Lord for allowing me to go through something, to get me where you needed me to be, so that I can stand in the gap and be a witness to others of your power, your mercy and your grace. Amen.


Thoughts ? Comments ? Questions ?

Beautifully Complex

Thoughtful Thursday-"Laws of Attraction"

I read alot of blogs, so much so, that I have been neglecting my own. Along with Fa.cebook (which is like micro-blogging and more interactive) has kept me away from here for far too long. I am going to try to do better now that summer is almost over. I am currently on a couple of d.ating sit.es too which has also been keeping me occupied. Many of the of blogs I read are dating & relationship oriented & run the gamut from the serious to the hilariously banal. Seems like so many people are in and out of relationships and marriage yet still in "search of satisfaction" as my favorite author J. California Cooper would say. Dating & connecting with people should be fun in my opinion & I know that in the past I have taken a hiatus when it began to feel like a chore to me. I can usually tell when that happens, I get too focused on the search & the failed attempts, which can become exhausting. This then leads to me not being able to muster up much enthusiasm & knowing that this attitude will be what I reflect in my interactions with potential dates, I choose to sit it out for a minute so that I can regroup. I had to do that twice in the last year.
I did decide nearing my milestone birthday this year, that I really wanted to take the focus off of one of my personal goals (to be married again one day) and spend more of my time enjoying the journey. I am trying to be mindful of what I attract based on what I myself project. There was a post this week over at Think Pretty Smart about compatibility. I am in total agreement with this & actually already had something very similar lined out in my dating profiles. I am looking for compatibility in five key areas; spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, physically & financially. I am continually working to improve myself in these areas but am already standing pretty solid where I am now & feel confident that I can attract what I project. I know it may be challenging though & I actually had a sort of spirited debate with a guy a couple of weeks ago while on a date no less. He basically told me that I was expecting too much. The funny thing is, I never specify to potential dates what my actual expectations are in these categories, because I have learned the hard way that some people will attempt to deceive you and try to stretch the facts of who they are to fit your expectations.I couldn't figure out how he thought that I was expecting too much when he didn't even know what my specific standards were. I suspect he already knew he had fallen short of the proverbial bar. The poor little hardhead didn't have a chance with me anyway primarily because he reeked of desperation (this wasn't obvious the night we initally met while I was at a restaurant with some friends). He's divorced for less than 2 years & hasn't had a relationship in that time & kept talking about how bad he wanted to be in a relationship & how he hates "dating" yet in our discussion, it came out that he hadn't done much dating at all. All of his "woe is me" & "I hate being alone" was driving me mad!! It was a total turn off. Guys who just want to be in a relationship & give me the impression that they can just "plug any willing participant in" turn me on my heels. I know men feel the same way about desperate women. Needless to say that was our first and last date. LOL ! Honestly, I do my best to not project much of the disappointment that I myself sometimes feel about being single. I know that I am single today because I haven't connected with the right one. There are a couple of willing participants that just are not a fit for me, so I can patiently wait. I actually think I do a pretty good job in that I stay positive MOST of the time & feel like I live a pretty full life regardless of my relationship status.
I know I have some issues, as most all people do. However, I don't feel flawed and definitely don't look at those who may have successful relationships and feel like I am less than them or anything like that just because it has not happened for me yet, because I know better than that.I have a healthy dose of self-esteem, but something that I have begun to notice is that too many random folks are overly concerned with my dating life. I am not exactly sure why (possibly because most all of my friends are married or in relationships). In over 3 years of being divorced I have been in a couple of short lived relationships, but the rest were just dates that didn't lead anywhere. When I run into friends, or talk to cousins on the phone, or get calls from people I don't talk to often, after we've covered the issues at hand, then comes the long pause & THEY ALWAYS ask "......so, are you seeing anybody special ? " I always give a polite reply but honestly all of the collective pressure that I am made to feel by well intentioned folks is starting to irritate me. I am truly trying to live a "single and satisfied life" but I think society questions whether that is truly possible.
How would you react or respond ?
What are you attracted to in a potential mate ?
What do you think you reflect or project from a dating standpoint ?
Do you believe that single people can ever be truly satisfied ?

Married Living Single

Yesterday over at CreoleinDC the question was asked about whether or not you would be ok with dating someone who was legally seperated while waiting to file for divorce and whether or not you considered people in this situation still married or not. The vast majority of responses were in the vein of "seperated does not equal divorce". At the end of the day, a person will do what they want to do & what they can live with. The question becomes can you live with the consequences of your choices if you put yourself in a situation such as this ? Because from what I have seen, things can become complicated and confusing & lots of people can get hurt when you bring outside parties into the equation. The outcomes can vary quite a bit. I meet lots of guys all the time who claim to be "seperated" and trust me, there is always a backstory of some sort, with the sole purpose of justifying to me why they should actually be considered "available" for me to date. I believe a fraction of what they tell me. I always pass on these dating options & am amazed at the energy & effort that these men put into the pursuit of dating & living single while married & wonder if the same effort was put into saving their marriage ? Having survived a very painful divorce & having to go through alot of grief, loneliness & much therapy I realize that the time in your life when you marriage is being dissolved is very precarious. When you meet someone who is seperated you have no true idea if they have dealt with the issues & problems that lead to the divorce & trust me, that can become your problem if you are not careful. I know for a fact that seperation does not always end in divorce. It is my opinion that seperation should be time spent being sure that divorce is what is best & if so making sure that the legal aspects are settled & complete. That is all you need to be focused on while you are seperated. What some people fail to realize is that bringing in a third party can only complicate this process. Sometimes people are not prepared for the emotions that they come to feel when they realize that divorce is actually going to happen. You mix in children and the plot thickens. I know men who have been seperated from their wives, flaunting their mistress all around town, among family, friends, and then wonder why they get screwed in the custody arrangements, child support issues & property division. Would it kill a person, to put all romantic relationships on hold until your business is handled ? Is it that crucial ? Another scenario for the third party is that they get used and abused after they have become emotionally invested. Ask my ex-husbands mistress. She deluded herself into believing all that he was telling her. For one thing, some people who are seperated still continue to be sexually intimate, after all, they are still married. I sometimes regret some of my choices , but my mind was in a bad place, I did not want the divorce & the truth is up until our final court date when it was finalized, I would have been willing to reconcile on the courthouse steps. Long story short, after divorcing me, my ex realized that he had no intention of leaving a 10 year marriage (16 year relationship total) to walk right into another serious situation with the mistress. He had to deal with some of his own issues that he was able to avoid while being with her. It took him about a year to get rid of the mistress because she just could not accept it & turned into a psycho-stalker LOL ! ( Imagine that coming from the same chick who called me at my home & couldn't understand why I wouldn't just accept the divorce & let her have him !) He then spent about a year playing the scene and as I understand it, is now dating a woman 15 years younger than him. I don't have an ounce of pity for her. Karma is a B ! Although many situations my end differently, it just makes sense to wait and finish one chapter before you begin another.

Do you know anyone who ended up happy after dating a "married but seperated" man ?

Why are so many people willing to begin dating & even start full blown relationships before they have handled their business ?

Complex Emotions-How Long is this Tail ?

Relationships can be so complicated if you let them be. Then sometimes when you flip it, it can seem so simple. I feel like I am at another crossroads, yet dealing with ultimately the same scenario that I have been dealing with for at least 4 years. I am divorced and have been on paper for a little over a year. The question becomes how do I explain that to my heart ? The seperation was extensive (over 2 years) but throughout that time, I never gave up, and stood for my marriage. I went through all of the stages,anxiety, denial, hurt, anger, fear, depression, to name a few, but I am just not sure that I have ever truly conquered acceptance. The backstory and details are endless (for a future post perhaps) but at the end of the day. I am divorced. My marriage failed. Even on the days before the final court appearance, I prayed and fasted & wanted a different outcome. What can I say ? I was extremely emotionally invested in my marriage. He flew in from LA & we stayed together in the days before the divorce hearing. We talked, had sex, argued, cried, made love, slept, and just chilled. On that final morning, and even in the courtroom I gently pleaded (no begging here) for him to consider something different but it was not to be. Ultimately he said it was what he had to do for "himself" even though it may not have been the right thing for "us". He acknowledged it was wrong, but he was just not trying to be right. I couldn't stop it anymore and had to let it go. I saw him at our daughters graduation 3 months later, I gave in and we were intimate, he said he loved me, but of course, he makes no promises and naturally I accept it.

Through her first year of college we communicate somewhat consistently but however, I do try to move on. I meet someone new, a really good guy. Lots of great qualities. I see potential and am so excited about it. I guess I didn't consider it a rebound because I had dated others but this was the first time I felt the possibility of something special. In hindsight, I moved too quickly into that situation, though it never seems that way at the time. As all realtionships go, we hit some speedbumps. He has baggage (an ex wife and small kids) and just like me is in the rebuilding stage financially and emotionally after suffering through a divorce he didn't want either. Also, I just began to see the personality differences and just the general challenges that come with trying to figure out what you can accept about a person and what you cannot. But it seems when your heart has not fully healed from searing, intense pain, everything is amplified. There came a time when we started to discuss marriage and due to this being a long distance situation, the logistics have become a challenge. I made some premature decisions and then began to regret them and was at a loss about how to explain my change of heart. Was it fear ? Is this real love ?We had a huge disagreement on Mothers Day and he flew home unexpectedly, changed his flight and everything ! As I was returning home from the airport, my ex-husband calls to wish me a Happy Mother's Day and I just fell apart ! I couldn't explain it at the time but it was just a culmination of a lot of emotions, anger at being in this situation, anger at losing my family, frustration about trying to build another one, and just overall disappointment ! I cried and he listened and we talked for 4 hours.. His timing was amazing ! My relationship with my new man remained strained after this, I was talking with my ex pretty regularly, though I was reluctant to ask any hard questions, we teased, we flirted and ultimately out of curiosity on both of our parts, decided that we wanted to see each other (it had been over a year). My ex-husband is also several states away, but agreed to make arrangements for me to come out a few weeks later. Now at this point my relationship is under a lot of strain, I am not responding and ultimately this led him to break up with me over the phone, I was hurt and confused, yet feeling trifling and sneaky, but I let it ride. We continued to talk about how to work things out but I was not looking for resolution at that time because I was determined to get with my ex to see what was up ! The trip was fun. The sex was great. We kept the heavy issues to a minimum and never really discussed any real details about our personal lives. We acknowledged that we are both doing our thing, but there is so much to overcome. It was familiar, yet different, the akwardness faded quickly, but there are still so many unspoken words. I tried to keep conflict at a minimum. Everybody knows, I am the one that didn't want this to end --and he does too. Maybe he wanted to see if I have changed or if my heart has changed, I don't know. I expressed my love and he did too. We had drinks, enjoyed the ocean and the beach, went to clubs, restaurants, and did it all-- at least twice, we just had fun, but it had to end.

We have continued to communicate but after about a month after I returned, his attention has waned, yet again. Now here I sit, confused about why I even pretended that I could play with my heart this way. But I knew I was playing with fire going in. I can't blame anyone other than myself. I'm not even angry at anyone, not even myself. I'm just recycling over and over the same dissappointment regarding what my life has become. I have not admitted to my estranged man what I did last month and I don't think I ever will. What would be the point ? Technically we were broken up, but I know that its not right, because he does not have full disclosure. We have somewhat tried to reconcile but things are not the same. I have expressed to him that this relationship has moved too fast and that I would like to pace myself a bit. He has agreed to accept that for the moment. I see that I have become selfish. It's not attractive or something that I am proud of, but its real talk. Somedays I wish that he would just let go of me, because I am not sure that I am capable of giving him what he deserves. But the fear of making a premature decision keeps me holding on(coward). When I saw him two weeks ago we were trying to discuss some issues in our relationship. You see we both acknowledge that the "future has a past" and it is almost impossible to not let your history influence your life. We were both married for 10 years. However, our marriage experiences were vastly different. He has admitted to his issues and there were actually 3 physical seperations of some duration, where he actually left the home and went out and established other relationships throughout these times. At the end she was the one who got into another "situation" and then decided that she didn't want to reconcile and she wanted the divorce, only to later find out that her "situation" was not panning out. However by then, he had moved on emotionally and and wasn't interested in trying to repair things. My situation was a bit different. For 8 years of marriage (plus 5 yrs of dating) I was happy. He seemed happy. We had our issues as do all marriages, but there was never any "third party influence" during that time and definitely no reason to ever seperate. We were busy trying to manage our careers and future goals, two promotion opportunities came in two different cities. I made some bad decisions and positions. He was presented with temptation and opportunity he made bad decisions and took the wrong position.. There was miscommunication, misunderstanding, all intensified by the distance, and our marriage unraveled quicker than I would have ever believed was possible ! Ultimately, however, I was willing to get beyond the past, forgive him for the "third party influence" that had come in to play on his side and work to save the marriage. Yet, he could not forgive me for my failures, and ultimately had no desire to make the effort to try to resolve things. It just wasn't in his heart for me.

While discussing yet again, some of these issues with my estranged man , he had an epiphany. He point blank said to me " This just came to me, I think that you have some unresolved feelings for your ex-husband that may be hindering you from being able to fully engage in this relationship". You could have bought me for a penny !!!He then asked me some very difficult questions, but told me that I didn't need to answer them right away, but that I needed to think on it. I felt so transparent ! How do you tell someone that you truly love, that you still have love in your heart for someone else ? Especially when that person crushed you and your new love has only shown you kindness and respect. I swear the truth is stranger than fiction and I couldn't make this shit up !

Step Up Your Game !!!!

This past weekend, while hanging out at a friends pool, I met or should I say, got reacquainted with a guy that I had met several months ago. This guy is the frat brother of one of my dear friends' husband. We met the 1st time around Christmas at a party hosted by these friends. I was there with a guy that I was dating exclusively at the time. We met again at a gathering about 3 months ago. This time I was there with my dear friend. Now I don't remember all of the details, but evidently we had conversation, and some mild flirtation, but for me after a couple of martini's, it comes easy. I try my best to not get out of hand, its just part of being sociable. Anyway, this guy seems cool, he is funny, somewhat attractive,a bit arrogant( I like confidence better) but, no worries, I can handle myself. Well in the days following the party, my dear friend calls & says "NY" is so caught up with you, he was begging me for your number, he is in love with your laugh, etc., etc.(Sidenote-I really love a good joke, like to laugh & have a wicked since of humor. However, in most cases I am laughing for one of two reasons; either you said something truly funny, or you said something extremely stupid & rather than check you on it, I am laughing at you !) Now my dear friend, knows my whole story (for the most part) and she has been in the know of ALOT of my dating dramas, helped me through my divorce,.etc. So she proceeds to fill me in on the background info on this guy & fills me in on what she knows about his past. In college, he was the biggest ho on the yard, he dogged his wife out for years & years before she finally divorced him, currently he has a live in girlfriend,but nobody ever sees her, he's a party boy, on & on. Nothing at this point has sparked my interest. It was just girl talk (i.e. gossip), I made mental notes. However it was not a concern for I was in a relationship at the time and truly focused on that. Fast forward 3 months. They had another party during the 4th of July ( I was kicking it hard in New Orleans at Essence with some other friends!). This guy was evidently at their party & was looking for me/expecting me to be there. Of course I was told of this later. Currently, my relationship is in limbo (that's another post) and we are in the process of trying to figure things out. Both parties involved are aware of this fact as it has been expressed & understood. Things are different, but there is still some communication & a desire to figure things out. My relationship is actually a long distance relationship. He lives in another city that is a 2 hr plane ride from here. However during the 10 months we have been together someone travelled every other weekend ( up until the last 2 months).Anyhow, I got a chance to chat with "NY" at this pool party last weekend and I must say, the wonders of men & how they think never ceases to amaze me ! First of all compliments are nice, women usually appreciate them, but after a while, it can get a little redundant. Can we have a conversation ? Can you ask a thoughtful question ? I mean damn are you really trying to get to know me ?Secondly, stop telling me how picky & selective you are, and how special I must be to have gotten/maintained your attention when you don't even know me ! The only thing you could be focused on is the physical aspect of me, which in my opinion is the least of me !! Hell I knew I was a star before I met you and will still be one when you leave,and it has nothing to do with how I look ! Third, assume that because we know the same people, that they talk, and yes I do know something about your current situation. Please keep that in mind, while you are spinning your tale. Now dude has a "live in" girlfriend mind you, he said girlfriend. I simply indicated that I am in a relationship & that currently I am focused on it. I guess what ultimately kills me is that he then proceeds to tell me how unhappy he is, why its not working, etc. etc. so I am trying to figure out why you are not single ??? At some point he mentioned his previous marriage & how badly he treated his wife and how he now has regrets, but that he was just immature & he has grown. Yet he continues to push up on me in a major way, trying to get me to admit my interest in him, trying to get my number, telling me that I am just what he is looking for while he is currently in a live in relationship!!! Hell, in some states he would be considered "common law married " ! I have no respect for anyone male or female that cannot bear the idea of being single and being alone (unattached, not living with someone-even if out of convenience) prior to entering into another relationship.

Men it seems have the hardest time with this and I wonder do we as women contribute to it ?

Is it an ego trip for women to be the chick that he left someone for?

Why don't people in general have respect for other's relationships ?

The best thing he could have done would have been to conduct himself with respect ( i.e. don't dog out your current girlfriend), don't challenge my situation ( He actually said " I bet I can make you forget about ol' boy") ,find some common interests, talk to me like a person, and try to make a friend. If after that, there is some mutual attraction, it will be duly noted. Then, if the next time you see me, if I happen to be single, and you happen to be single, maybe you might get a shot !

Ultimately, I noticed a couple of things that stopped me cold, even if both I and this guy had been single:

First: He smoked cigarettes like a chimney ! None of my friends smoke. That is a big turnoff to me from a hygiene/grooming standpoint. Now imagine my reaction when after walking me to my car, he actually told me he wanted to kiss me.....eeewww !

Second: I told him that I had to leave the party early because I had to get up early and run in the AM. He actually said " you mean like with tennis shoes outside ? I mean I see people do that on TV but I didn't think people actually did that in real life!" Ok so health conscious you are not-
( thats a minus -15 off the top!)

Thirdly: I bet this guy couldn't tell you 3 things he learned about me over
the course of 2 hours that would confirm why he is interested in me. I spent most of my time listening to his drama. Some people really don't understand the art/dynamics of conversation.

If it hadn't been for the Watermelon Martini's I would've left way earlier:)