Monday, June 25, 2012

Closure... the Gift you give Yourself

I have a good friend that is going through a disappointing breakup. I have been a listening ear for the last couple of months as her relationship has limped along on it's last leg. We have had countless talks over cocktails, late night phone calls and discussions about how it happened, what went wrong, when it went wrong, how it went wrong, what could have been done to circumvent it and on and on and on.  My fiance has listened to portions of these conversations in between him watching the NBA playoffs. He knows this friend as well and he has offered up the "male perspective" from time to time as needed.

I don't mind being a patient, listening ear to a friend going through things. In fact, I am known for it among my closest friends for sure and take pride in that fact. I think it is part of the healing process. You never really know what peace and understanding you can offer to a hurting person and I personally have benefited immensely from having good friends in my corner as well being extra patient with me. I read a lot (as most bloggers do) and can't always recall where I heard/read something. Recently I read a blog where a man was trying to explain why he believes that  women in general are "loyal to a fault".  It was an interesting read but in case you don't read it, in summary :

Anyway, women are overloyal. And here’s why: because women hate to be wrong. Leaving a man would require a woman to admit that she chose wrong. Which has to be a very difficult conclusion to draw considering how quickly most women are willing to place all of their proverbial eggs in that one basket. I’ve always found it interesting how women will find a man and date him for a while and be done. There’s no more looking. They have a man and that’s the one they’re hoping to end their dating life with. This perplexes me because it leaves very little room for evaluation. The evaluation that gets done isn’t to determine if she should stay or leave, it’s done to determine how to keep the relationship she’s in despite whatever issue exists. So while men never seem willing to work anything out, I suppose women want to work everything out. Not that I’m advocating for the early dissolution of a relationship because we don’t want to work, but let’s be real here, if you choose wisely upfront you won’t have to dissolve anything later, right?

I chewed on this for a minute and I have to say that I think that this is true in many instances but it is a little more complex than just that. Because once you have identified all of the problems or issues with a particular man or the relationship and determined that it is just not going to work out, the next step for some women is to question how you missed the "signs" or why did you didn't see him for what he truly was, and then you question yourself and your judgement and ultimately begin to blame your self for making the "mistake" of choosing to become involved with this person.  I get this because I have seen it done repeatedly and and I have done it myself.  However, what I have learned to do as I have matured is to learn how to evaluate entire situations and  be accountable for my mistakes without shouldering the ENTIRE blame if I am not totally at fault.  If someone's intent is to deceive you, how is that YOUR fault alone ? If someone misrepresents certain aspects of themselves because to not do so would give you a more accurate view of the situation and of that person,  how is that YOUR fault ? If someone succeeds in misleading you, how is that YOUR fault ? Bottom line is this. Relationships are complicated, but the good ones are built on trust, honesty, commitment, communication and fidelity. If either party compromises any of these areas, the integrity of the relationship is now in question. Even if a woman is guilty of trusting a man, opening her heart to a man, giving of herself and her resources to a man, how is that MORE wrong, than the deception that a man uses, to gain all of that from the woman ? Sometimes its hard to make a wise choice when you have incorrect information.

We cannot be afraid of the truth. Whether it hurts, whether it's disappointing, whether it's a surprise or not. The truth needs no support and in truth there is power. The power to heal,  the power to move forward, the power to make good choices and better decisions.  I read somewhere that when romantic relationships fail, men are more likely to blame the other party and express their feelings about it outwardly in the form of anger (physical altercations, violence, shootings, etc) and that women are more likely to blame themselves and internalize it, trying to figure out what they did wrong, suffer from anxiety, becoming depressed leading to suicide, etc. I know this is not an absolute, but I have really seen it play out this way very often.

My friend and I talked about her need for "closure" and the interesting thing is that women seem to always want to seek this out from men, who have been less than upstanding in dealing with them (hence the demise of the relationship) which makes this need totally unreasonable. It usually never happens.  Closure is the gift you give yourself. Closure is when you take your power back and refuse to give energy to a person who has hurt you. Closure is when you decide how you want to live your life and you don't need a committee or a pow wow or permission or a meeting of the minds to accomplish that.  It is a lesson that I personally wished I had learned a lot sooner than I did and a concept that I am more than happy to share.

How do you know when a relationship is over & its time to take the " L " regardless of who is at  fault  ?

Do you find that you need closure or something from the other person to put it behind you ?

Do you think women are overly afraid or embarrassed to admit when they feel they have made a wrong choice ?

Thoughts ? Comments ? Questions ?

Beautifully Complex 


CaliGirlED said...

Oh I loved this post!!! You hit the nail on the head! I think we are embarrassed by a break up because "we chose wrong". But the KEY here is where you asked the question,how is it our fault if we were deceived. That right there is powerful!!! I blame myself for staying in relationships for too long, because when I saw who they were I didn't bail. But in the beginning they were deceitful, or just not honest enough to let me know they did not want the same things (commitment for one) that I wanted.

Now I'm more careful with where I place my feelings and pray that I can detect deceit early enough to avoid my feelings being hurt. Prayers of strength and comfort for your friend!

AGrownAzzMan said...

Closure does not require a dual effort. If you close the door at your end of the hallway that should be sufficient closure.

Cashana said...

Sorry, I had to come out lurkdom to respond to this blog post. It was on point and you made some poignant statements. I wish some of my friends and family members could understand this. I, too, used to need closure but as I matured and learned to truly love myself, when it is over. I am done no explanations or anything else is needed. I am too busy living, which I realize is too important to skimp on.

Anonymous said...

I love this quote: "Closure is a gift you give yourself." I browsing this weekend and came across your blog Funny enough, I just wrote about closure recently.

BTW - I've been taking your restaurant/happy hour recommendations to use to get to know Houston better.

sayitlikethis said...

You got it right on with this post! Closure is definitely something you give yourself. For me, I have that conversation with myself owning up to my part in the relationship. I delete the phone number (because I don't memorize them) and take a new picture of myself. That is my symbolic gesture at beginning a new chapter. I don't need anything from the other person b/c what I'm looking for, I won't get. At which point the relationship is over, the song is no longer about the other person. It's about me.

I think the other blogger had a good point about not wanting to be wrong. It is human nature for men and women to not want to be wrong. I think admitting your mistakes come with age.

Beautifully Complex said...

Thank you. Praying for discernment is key. If you ask for it he will give it you & then you have the power to respond.

"If you close the door at your end of the hallway that should be sufficient closure" Very profound. I will have to use that. LOL Thanks for stopping by my blog & for the great comment !

So right. Our life, our time, our peace, its too precious to waste.
I love lurkers ! Thanks for coming out & commenting LOL

Thank you. I love you blog name.
Thanks for visiting my blog & commenting. So glad to be of help. I love to move around my city LOL
I will definitely check out your blog.

The symbolic gesture is a great idea. Yes maturity can bring great wisdom.