When it Rains.....

....it pours as they say. I was all set to blog like a maniac everyday this month to step up to this blog challenge, but alas life interrupts. I have contemplative and moody and in no frame of mind to blog. My fiance and I both have been fielding calls from family and very close friends that are dealing with very challenging situations. I am pretty sure that I have not mentioned this on the blog but Mr. Mixologist's grandmother is battling cancer & has been for more than 6 months. We found out just after we got engaged at the first of this year. We have been praying for her and just not knowing what is going to happen and that uncertainty along with being so far away has been hard to manage. The latest news is that his most favorite uncle is battling cancer as well but it is much more aggressive and advanced than anyone knew and his mother just recently admitted to him that it is terminal and he declining very rapidly. This is obviously devastating news. I don't know how to console him. I don't know how I could be consoled ! I have a relationship with one of my aunt's that is especially close so I can only imagine how he is feeling when I think of losing her. I actually met this uncle when I met his entire family for the first time and I have heard so many stories about him that I could tell many of them myself. I fell in love with him too and I just don't know what we are going to do. For months we have talked so excitedly about how much fun it's going to be next year when his family meets my family at our wedding and this uncle was a major part of those conversations. He is like the heartbeat of his family. I don't have any living grandparents and Mr. Mixologist is blessed to still have one set, both of his of maternal Grandparents. As we were talking Sunday after church, he talked about how his family has waited such a long time to see him get married and they are so excited and it is troubling him that "it is very possible and most likely that we will be attending two funerals before our wedding". I did not know what to say.

Now if that wasn't enough, Sunday night I get a call from one of my oldest and dearest friends that I blogged about before. Her sister has been battling cancer for over 2 years and things are not looking very good for her right now. I was talking to her, crying and praying with her and trying to console her as well as myself because I grew up with her older sister too as we have been best friends since we were both 13. She is one of my bridesmaids and I am just hurting for her right now. Both of her parents are deceased and this is her last living sister (she lost her other sister to cancer about 10 years ago). What can you say ?

The final blow was yesterday afternoon, while sitting in the doctor's office with me, Mr. Mixologist gets a call from his best friend, also a groomsmen in our wedding who was needing his help with booking the cheapest flight home to Mississippi ASAP because his uncle was sick and near death. Later that evening we got the call that he had passed, so now he is flying home for a funeral. What can you do ?

I know this is the cycle of life. We are at that age where these are the things that happen. It's just life.  All we can do is pray because we are faithful and we know that things will get better that life will get better and we will be OK no matter what happens. But I am just feeling just a little overwhelmed emotionally right now. Please say a prayer for me, my love, our family and our dearest friends. Pray that I can have the words and the ability to show him the support he needs to keep him from the darkness of depression. Thank you in advance blog fam !


Beautifully Complex

Day 5 A Song that Inspires Me

You know how you have that CD, album, cassette, eight track or whatever you want to call it,  that got you through something really,  really challenging or life altering ?   Well for me that CD is called  Somethin' Bout Love by the one and only Fred Hammond formerly of the gospel group Commissioned.

Every single song on this CD helped me to not give up and I truly can't even listen to it without having an all.out.praise.and.worship session & shedding tears of joy ! It has the perfect mix of gospel ballads and up tempo praise and worship songs to make you simply grateful for his mercy and grace. It is hard for me to pick one song from this awesome CD so I must pick two. Not Just What You Say reflects my growth as a Christian and as a friend born out of my own personal pain. The music is great but the words......

Not just what you say ....Not just what you say
Then we can act like we know what love is....
When you say how are you doing ?
Do you really wanna know and are you concerned, yeah ?
And if you had the solution, but it took some of your time, 
Or some cash or whatever,are you willing ?
Not just what you say ( its mostly what you do)
Not a game that you play (to keep the winning hand with you)
Not just wasting time ( with empty words that don't mean much)
Not just how you feel ( when others need your tender touch)
So can you take out some time ( to help somebody else in need)
And when this is done ( the love of God is truly seen)
Then above all ( we need to cover and forgive)
Then we can act like we know what love is
Love is compassion that makes you reach way down and help your fellow man
So if there's a need and you can be the one, go and help someone
Love is all, all in all, forgiving faults great and small,
patient and willing to cover me, cover you
Love is kind, don't you know, and will not seek its own
God is love forever more, act like you know go and handle yours




Another Song that really touches me is What Can I Give. It just reminds you of the enormity of his Grace and Mercy through life's trials check the words........


I've questioned but I, still don't know the reason why,
when trouble shook my ground You stayed around
So faithful Your love has been to me,
and Lord I'll always love You for the rest of my days....
What can I give in exchange, for the love You've  shown me every day ?
My very life just don't seem like enough, 
but I'd rather give to you and throw in all my love
I'm so grateful that Your love is available,
it hears me when I call and lifts me when I'm low
Lord no other love, is worthy to receive such praise, 
so I give You all of my life and love You for the rest of my days
I'll waste no more time, cause there is no more doubt in my mind,
for Your love means the world to me (Can't live without it,  no Lord) 
There's no way, that I'd go another day, without giving You all of me
(Can't live without it) For all Your love







Some of my other faves on this CD are How Do You Love That Way, That's Why, and Find A Way to Love You More. 


Hope you enjoy this praise break ! LOL

What Song Inspires You ?    Who are some of your favorite Gospel Artists ?

Thoughts ? Comments ? Questions ?

Beautifully Complex 

Simply Thankful

We leave tomorrow heading to see my family for Thanksgiving.  Honestly today I am too exhausted to be excited yet, but my heart is full.   It is so very important to reflect.  At this moment I am simply thankful.......



to have the means to travel home without major sacrifice.
(Thank you for your provision Lord )


to have a wonderful neighbor who always looks after my home when I travel.
(Thank you for your guardian angels)


to have received a call from my cousin who had to miss the last two
Thanksgivings, asking if we can scoop him up on the way home !
(So glad to be a blessing to others)


to have nieces and nephews that love me as much as I love them and who anxiously await my arrival.
(Thank you for filling up my heart Lord)


to have lifelong friends that I am looking forward to hanging out with after spending time with our families.
(Thank you for meaningful relationships)


to have a wonderful Beau who looks forward to doing ALL the driving and letting me read, sleep, sing, talk, laugh, blog, twitter, and FB to my heart's content.
(Thank you for sending me love)


to have a mother who truly throws down in the kitchen who managed to teach me several of her tricks so that we can continue to make memories in the kitchen together, cooking, talking, laughing and reminiscing.
(I will be praying for my friends whose mothers are no longer here)



to have a daddy who will call us no less than every 2 hours to find out where we are at ? how is the traffic ? any bad weather ? how is the gas mileage ? LOL
(Thank you for protection Father)



to have standing family traditions that bring joy to my heart such as getting up early to run the Turkey Trot together no matter how many have to walk to finish, the annual Taboo Challenge where the competition is fierce ! We argue, laugh and the ladies usually win, unless the guys cheat. LOL
(Thank you for family Lord)


for being a child of God, covered in his blood, with His grace and mercy ever present in my life.
(Thank you for being everything I need and more than I could ever deserve)




Wishing all of my Blog land friends a safe, happy & blessed Thanksgiving !


Thank you for reading, commenting AND lurking LOL !


Thoughts ? Comments ? Questions ?



Beautifully Complex 

Trials & Tribulations

In the span of 10 days I have had two friends drop the bomb on me that they are more than likely getting divorced. Honestly, this is something that will always bother me. I am one of those people that despite the divorce stats, and all that we see around us, wants the people around me to make their marriages work. I shed tears after both of these discussions and then I prayed.

You don't get to pick your cross. I am divorced. I am infertile. Neither was by my choice. These are two of the most challenging, life altering things that I have ever had to go through and today I am happy and fulfilled. But the important thing is that I made it through. I believe that I handled the infertility (which came first) pretty well for the most part. Last week on one of my favorite blogs, Monica said to someone, " I told her that with time, she would make it to the other side of what she was dealing with, but that it would never go away...it will just hurt less over time, and in that way, time was the healer, and she needed to allow time the process."  This statement totally resonated with me. It is honest and it is real.  On a rare occasion, I still feel a flutter in my womb when I am in a store and hear a little baby cry. From time to time when I have to check that box that says DIVORCED on a form, I wince at the failure of it all & that is just being totally honest.

Back to the other story. When I was going through my divorce, my Pastor connected me with a woman who ultimately became a wonderful friend and prayer partner. She helped me beyond what I can express here because she had already been through what I was in the midst of at the time and that is why he connected us. She ultimately with God's help, was able to save her marriage. I can specifically remember her telling me one day, " One day in the future, you are going to get on your knees & thank God for this situation because he is preparing you to be a blessing to someone else".  At the time, I was so hurt and angry at her for making that statement.  I could not imagine thanking Him for the  gut-wrenching pain I was feeling. All I wanted was for God to give me what I wanted, which was to repair my marriage & I would thank him for that ! LOL It took me a long time to see and understand just how right she was.

If there is one thing that I have learned its that you must learn to find peace where ever you are.  After speaking with one of my friends last week, I posted this on my FB status:

PEACE: It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be CALM IN YOUR HEART.

In the same moment that your life can be falling apart, someone else is being brought out of a dark place in their life. This is the cycle of life. So much of it is not in our hands, but in His. Change is inevitable and that is the blessing. This is something that I had to learn. As far as coping, I can't really say that I handled my divorce well.at.all. LOL ! In fact, it pretty much "handled me". I feel like I went through it very "ugly". Sometimes my pride hates that fact. But it is my story, my trial, my testimony and it was a great teacher.

People tend to seek out those who they feel can really understand, who may have some experience, those they can be honest and transparent with. Those who they can trust. One of my friends who is divorcing, knew my situation intimately. This friend was there for me in ways I could never count. I most likely didn't get fired when I wasn't functioning because of the support of this friend. I bared my soul down to the bones and this friend knew the depths of my hurt, my desperation to save my marriage, my lack of shame to be honest with all that I was dealing with. This friend saw me vulnerable in a way not many have. Now it seems, its time for me to return the favor.

It's easy to focus on the problems in a marriage. I cannot repair a marriage. Only God can change the hearts of men. But if you have decided this is what you want to do AND you ask me what I think about it all, I will be honest about the good, the bad, and the ugly. When the dust settled on both my infertility and divorce the lessons learned served me well:

Sometimes rejection is just redirection.

Taking you places that you know you would have never gotten to following your own path. There is more than one road to happiness and having the desires of your heart.

Sometimes hurting can be humbling.

Giving you a deeper compassion and understanding to help those that will come after you. Understanding that any one of us can be dealt a heavy blow.
Asking,"Why me ?" becomes "Why NOT me ?"

Sometimes fear builds fortitude.

Facing what seems unbearable can build you up to be able to handle many more unforeseen challenges that life can bring to your door.

When talking to both of my friends, I do not sugarcoat the " single life." Yes it can be a welcome reprieve from a bad marriage, but it is no cake walk. I enjoyed many aspects of it. I traveled a lot, plenty of socializing, carefree living, with minimal responsibilities. Dating was fun and interesting for a while, but it was also disappointing, and a constant reminder of my divorce. I was manipulated and lied to by the game players attempting to bank on my vulnerability. I am very comfortable being alone for long periods of time. I don't have any family members close & enjoy many solo activities that require little interaction from others, but that doesn't minimize the natural desire for companionship & all the benefits that come with a healthy partnership. There is nothing wrong with desiring a healthy marriage and many divorced people are surprised at how many "intangibles" of married life they miss.

I also do not sugarcoat divorce and the divorce process either. Fighting over "stuff" which is just another way to fight with the person causing you pain. Divorces can be amicable but that is only when BOTH parties have accepted the loss of the marriage and that is rarely the case. I jokingly say, "it's the gift that keeps on giving" because one of the things that cut me deep was the slow erosion and loss of things that came with being married that I lost AFTER the divorce was final. Things like, my married friends pulling away, changing relationships with my ex-husbands family that I had known since I was 20 yrs old. The challenge to your self esteem, feeling like a failure, losing everything, your financial peace, moving to an apartment when you've been a homeowner for years. We all make choices & sometimes they seem easy to make, but it's the consequences of those choices that will challenge you.

I want both of my friends to find peace with their decisions. Their marriages. Their choices. I can tell you what the Bible says. I am glad that they value my opinion enough for me to be among the first that they chose to confide in, cry with, and share their pain with. I feel blessed that they trust me. Both friends expressed that watching my grace in the midst of my trial is what made them know they could come to me with such a situation. I guess it wasn't so ugly after all. You never know who is watching you or how God is using you. Both conversations were very emotional and afterwards when I got on my knees to pray for the both of them, I knew that my friend Vena, that I met through my Pastor years ago was right, "One day, in the future, you are going to get on your knees & thank God for this situation because he is preparing you to be a blessing to someone else." 


Thank your Lord for allowing me to go through something, to get me where you needed me to be, so that I can stand in the gap and be a witness to others of your power, your mercy and your grace. Amen.


Thoughts ? Comments ? Questions ?

Beautifully Complex

Sun Shining..Rain Comes..Clouds Clear..Sun Returns

It's been a minute since I have been here and I have had my hands full dealing with LIFE.  Not that it's anything that many others aren't also dealing with.   As they say, "there is nothing new under the sun". Sometimes though, when things happen, you just have to be still and listen. That's what I have been doing while I was away.  My company dropped the bomb a couple of weeks ago. They have their "corporate speak" and are calling this a "Migration" but we all know that it means downsize/layoff/reorganization since so many people aren't mobile to the city they are migrating us to for various reasons. I am truly not interested in relocating there either, as I have gotten settled into Houston, really like the city, and have managed to finally find love here. There is a good chance I will not have to move, due to the specific nature of what I do, but there is no guarantee as ALL departments are being looked at & possibly redesigned. If push comes to shove, I may have to go for a short time, but it will be with an exit strategy for sure to get to a city I really want to be in.

Honestly, I haven't been nearly as upset as the majority of my co-workers & I think that's because I already had my life turned upside down just a few years back & although it took me quite some time to recover, transition and land on my feet, I gained some perspective I never would have had without those life changing situations. If you are a new reader/lurker, it is pretty much summarized in a nutshell here.  Even still, that does not make me immune to the feelings of my peers. People are having a HARD time with this. There have been many tears (openly), depression has set in and morale is horrible. The energy is just bringing me down, even though I feel confident that it will be okay. I really dread going into the office on the rare occasions that I have to, because it can be so draining. On my own, I am cool, but seeing others so hurt is hard.  Barrista posted something on her blog today, which summed up the way I feel, but having her say it, made me feel all the more better:

This will be my 3rd time going through a layoff (2 mergers and a downsizing) and all have taken me to bigger and better things. I also know that every single thing works out in the end the way it’s supposed to and there’s nothing to be gained in stressing something you can’t change. Aight? 

I can be honest an express that one of the things that I have been contemplating is how this situation  may impact my relationship with Mr. Mixologist. This is still somewhat new.  Oh,  he has definitely gone out of his way to really assure me of his commitment to this relationship and has been very supportive, encouraging and open to the whole situation, which has been a great feeling.  Honestly, I was enjoying the ride we have been on, coasting along at our own leisurely pace and this situation has just added unwanted pressure ( in my mind). I mean, I just want this relationship to evolve organically into what it is supposed to be.  I have prayed about it and am doing my best not to over think it, and just know that it is going to be what it is going to be. Trust God and let it go.

In the midst of all of this work stuff, on the family side of things,  my mom has been recently expressing some  worry about my Dad's health, specifically she is having serious concerns that he is having problems remembering things, repeating himself in short time spans, and she is alarmed........ no, correct that, she is scared that this could be really something serious, and one of the most unsettling feelings is hearing the fear in your parent's voice.  I feel so helpless being so far away.  Me & Mr. Mixologist traveled to where my parents live a couple of weeks ago for my Aunt's 60th Birthday Party. I don't know if it's the power of suggestion or what , but my Dad does seem a little different to me. Just a bit more fragile than the last time I saw him & just not himself at all times. He has a doctor's appointment scheduled for this week and I just hope we can get to the bottom of it.

I had a Manager at work that used to say, "Nothing too good, or too bad, lasts for too long".  One of my most  favorite Pastor's used to say, " Either you are going through a storm, coming out of a storm or heading towards a storm. "  An that just about summarizes life to me. None of us know what crosses we will have to bear in this life or for how long. There is no magical place that you get to, where everything is fine and it seems that if you ever get close to that point, you worry when it will end. I don't say any of this to sound negative & I really  hope that it doesn't come across that way, I am just reflecting on things and trying to position myself to respond positively to each situation as it comes. I know that everything is going to work out for my good.   That is why I always try to stand in the sun when it's shining on me because I know the clouds will come, but the truth is, they too always part, and the sun comes right back out again !

I count on the Sun to come back out, each and every day. I go to sleep each night and never worry that it's not coming up tomorrow. I don't even give it a second thought. It never crosses my mind, what if the sun doesn't come up tomorrow ? I lay down with the full confidence that He will make the sun rise tomorrow. I don't know how he does and couldn't begin to figure that out for myself, but I trust that it will be.  Just as it is with the smaller things in this life. I will put my faith in Him and stand on his word.

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen".    Hebrews 11:1 


How do you handle life's challenges ?   Is religious faith part of your life ?

Thoughts ?    Questions ?    Comments ?

Beautifully Complex 

2010 Here We Go !

"Twenty Ten", wow, that sounds really strange to say. A true reminder of just how much time has passed. With all the reflective blogging floating around, it's obvious that the last 10 years have been challenging for many, many people. Since I was born in 1969, each new decade marks a milestone birthday for me, 20, ...30,...40. I have thought about the trials and tribulations of the last 10 years of my life and realize just how unpredictable life can be. I remember back then being so excited to be 30 and finally feeling really grown ! I had just moved away from my family a couple of years prior & me and my ex-husband were getting settled into our independent life in Texas, making great friends, buying a beautiful new home, saving lots of money, being very active in ministry and building on the foundation on which we were raised. Careers were flourishing & I thought I had so much to look forward to, our future was so bright. I was blessed beyond measure. I had no idea that I would soon face infertility, separation due to career moves, emotional turmoil, adultery, divorce, financial ruin, and clinical depression. Many a day I would wake up in utter amazement that my life had unraveled so easily and completely. I remember being so hurt and angry at God, feeling sorry for myself, feeling like I did not deserve all that had happened to me and not sure how to resolve those feelings. Insecurity, shame, and fear ruled my life every day, for a very long time. I can honestly say there were too many days when I hurt so deeply and so completely that I really thought it would be better for me to leave this earth....just to make the pain stop ! I am blessed to have found the strength to make it through. So blessed that He never left me, even if I thought He had. He sent angels in the form of people to touch my life. Dear friends and family that stepped up in the defining moments of my life. It is very hard for me to give my testimony without tears falling, because reflection takes me back and I remember how I felt, it is a painful reminder, but I don't ever, ever want to forget. It keeps me grounded. It keeps me from harsh judgment. It keeps me humble. It is my story.

The transition has been far from easy, in fact it has been the most challenging period of my life, but with Him I have faith and unshakable belief. I tried it without Him because I was angry and felt cheated somehow. What a joke ! LOL Through all the false starts, and failures of my own judgment, He got me right where he needed me to be, submitting to His will, not mine. I can't say there are not days when I sometimes long for what I thought was my life in the past. Sometimes someone says something or asks a question that sets me back, but I know that I cannot move forward while looking backward. My Great-Grandmother used to always say " Get the lesson Baby". It's funny how you hear the things older, wiser people have said to you, over and over again, never really getting it, and then one day, it hits you like an epiphany. I am reluctant to make resolutions this year, I guess primarily because I am finally just resolute period, to spend EACH DAY being the best me that I can be. I want to be a better daughter, better sister, better aunt, better cousin, better friend, better co-worker and just a better Christian period. None of that requires that I lose weight, or save money, or any of the other many resolutions people make and then break every year. This last decade has been a huge learning curve for me and I pledge to use all that I have learned to move into this next decade stronger, wiser, and of course better than I have been.

I spent NYE by myself again this year. Another failed relationship, that barely even got started. I was only slightly disappointed though, which I know is a sign of growth. I trust His will be done. He continues to save me from danger and trouble unseen by me. At the end of the day, I was in church, where I promised myself I would be this year, after last years fiasco. It was a truly blessed experienced. Israel & New Breed performed and Pastor West had a word just for me ! I am counting my blessings this morning and don't have enough fingers and toes to do it. I have no idea what the next 10 years will bring but everywhere I look in my life, I see His hands and that is all the comfort that I need. I don't know if I will ever have children of my own, but I know I have children in my life that love me unconditionally. I am not sure if I will ever be a wife again, but God has protected me and covered me and provided for me better than any man ever could. I don't know if I will ever find the companion that I desire, but I do have friends that cut for me and support me through the struggles and the joys. We share life and enjoy one another and make the most of everything we are blessed with. I have good health and a sound mind. I can smile. I can sleep. I can work. I can pray. I can think and communicate and share myself with the world. I can worship. I have a home. I can travel. I can experience life and all that it offers. I recognize I don't deserve any of this. I can't earn it. I don't take it for granted.

I am excited about the new year, another chance to get it right !

Wishing you Peace & Blessings in 2010 ! Thanks for stopping by !

What are your reflections as we make the big transition ?

No Worries

"......Just because you had yourself a couple bad days, don't mean its gonna be this way always !"

I am so feeling this song. I have had a few down days recently, but this always seems to lift my spirits. Evidently this guy was in a group back in the 90's called "Men at Large" I actually remember the group but can't recall what song they sang. I read a couple of reviews of his new album online and I think I am going to check it out. He has some heavy hitting gospel producers so it might be worth it.

I am coming to realize that sometimes I just need to take my moments and push through it by myself. I do my best to keep to myself when I am feeling blue, cause then I don't have to try & explain to friends how I am feeling. I am a hopeful and faithful person and I know how & what He has brought me through, yet sometimes, the negativity creeps in. The ghosts of past hurts and disappointment. I don't want to stay in that place too long, so somehow, some way, I have to find the will in myself to pull myself up and out of the blues. No one can do it for me. When I begin to count my blessings I realize I can't total it all up. Yesterday my cousin called me. We don't talk on a daily basis usually once or twice a month . This was her 3rd time calling me in the last 5 days. I suddenly realized that I had been distracted in our last few conversations. Something made me really listen to what she was saying. She finally relayed the situation, which is not uncommon these days. She works in real estate....not enough closings in the last few months...she and her husband are behind on their mortgage....she is trying to get some assistance with the mortgage company... but she is in a bind....she didn't want to ask... I was the only person she felt could help. She felt embarrassed and ashamed to come to me...but was at the end of her rope. I heard the fear, the worry in her voice. It gave me perspective, on my life. Suddenly I could see my way out of the blues. I may not be where I think I should be, but I am exactly where He needs me to be. I am blessed to be able to help her and told her that I would go to the bank today and I did, with joy and peace in my heart. I have a good life. I have my health. I have my family. I have true friends. I am loved... and I am thankful.

How do you handle the blues ? Do you believe helping others helps your self ? What music or favorite song lifts your spirits ?