Trials & Tribulations

In the span of 10 days I have had two friends drop the bomb on me that they are more than likely getting divorced. Honestly, this is something that will always bother me. I am one of those people that despite the divorce stats, and all that we see around us, wants the people around me to make their marriages work. I shed tears after both of these discussions and then I prayed.

You don't get to pick your cross. I am divorced. I am infertile. Neither was by my choice. These are two of the most challenging, life altering things that I have ever had to go through and today I am happy and fulfilled. But the important thing is that I made it through. I believe that I handled the infertility (which came first) pretty well for the most part. Last week on one of my favorite blogs, Monica said to someone, " I told her that with time, she would make it to the other side of what she was dealing with, but that it would never go away...it will just hurt less over time, and in that way, time was the healer, and she needed to allow time the process."  This statement totally resonated with me. It is honest and it is real.  On a rare occasion, I still feel a flutter in my womb when I am in a store and hear a little baby cry. From time to time when I have to check that box that says DIVORCED on a form, I wince at the failure of it all & that is just being totally honest.

Back to the other story. When I was going through my divorce, my Pastor connected me with a woman who ultimately became a wonderful friend and prayer partner. She helped me beyond what I can express here because she had already been through what I was in the midst of at the time and that is why he connected us. She ultimately with God's help, was able to save her marriage. I can specifically remember her telling me one day, " One day in the future, you are going to get on your knees & thank God for this situation because he is preparing you to be a blessing to someone else".  At the time, I was so hurt and angry at her for making that statement.  I could not imagine thanking Him for the  gut-wrenching pain I was feeling. All I wanted was for God to give me what I wanted, which was to repair my marriage & I would thank him for that ! LOL It took me a long time to see and understand just how right she was.

If there is one thing that I have learned its that you must learn to find peace where ever you are.  After speaking with one of my friends last week, I posted this on my FB status:

PEACE: It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be CALM IN YOUR HEART.

In the same moment that your life can be falling apart, someone else is being brought out of a dark place in their life. This is the cycle of life. So much of it is not in our hands, but in His. Change is inevitable and that is the blessing. This is something that I had to learn. As far as coping, I can't really say that I handled my divorce well.at.all. LOL ! In fact, it pretty much "handled me". I feel like I went through it very "ugly". Sometimes my pride hates that fact. But it is my story, my trial, my testimony and it was a great teacher.

People tend to seek out those who they feel can really understand, who may have some experience, those they can be honest and transparent with. Those who they can trust. One of my friends who is divorcing, knew my situation intimately. This friend was there for me in ways I could never count. I most likely didn't get fired when I wasn't functioning because of the support of this friend. I bared my soul down to the bones and this friend knew the depths of my hurt, my desperation to save my marriage, my lack of shame to be honest with all that I was dealing with. This friend saw me vulnerable in a way not many have. Now it seems, its time for me to return the favor.

It's easy to focus on the problems in a marriage. I cannot repair a marriage. Only God can change the hearts of men. But if you have decided this is what you want to do AND you ask me what I think about it all, I will be honest about the good, the bad, and the ugly. When the dust settled on both my infertility and divorce the lessons learned served me well:

Sometimes rejection is just redirection.

Taking you places that you know you would have never gotten to following your own path. There is more than one road to happiness and having the desires of your heart.

Sometimes hurting can be humbling.

Giving you a deeper compassion and understanding to help those that will come after you. Understanding that any one of us can be dealt a heavy blow.
Asking,"Why me ?" becomes "Why NOT me ?"

Sometimes fear builds fortitude.

Facing what seems unbearable can build you up to be able to handle many more unforeseen challenges that life can bring to your door.

When talking to both of my friends, I do not sugarcoat the " single life." Yes it can be a welcome reprieve from a bad marriage, but it is no cake walk. I enjoyed many aspects of it. I traveled a lot, plenty of socializing, carefree living, with minimal responsibilities. Dating was fun and interesting for a while, but it was also disappointing, and a constant reminder of my divorce. I was manipulated and lied to by the game players attempting to bank on my vulnerability. I am very comfortable being alone for long periods of time. I don't have any family members close & enjoy many solo activities that require little interaction from others, but that doesn't minimize the natural desire for companionship & all the benefits that come with a healthy partnership. There is nothing wrong with desiring a healthy marriage and many divorced people are surprised at how many "intangibles" of married life they miss.

I also do not sugarcoat divorce and the divorce process either. Fighting over "stuff" which is just another way to fight with the person causing you pain. Divorces can be amicable but that is only when BOTH parties have accepted the loss of the marriage and that is rarely the case. I jokingly say, "it's the gift that keeps on giving" because one of the things that cut me deep was the slow erosion and loss of things that came with being married that I lost AFTER the divorce was final. Things like, my married friends pulling away, changing relationships with my ex-husbands family that I had known since I was 20 yrs old. The challenge to your self esteem, feeling like a failure, losing everything, your financial peace, moving to an apartment when you've been a homeowner for years. We all make choices & sometimes they seem easy to make, but it's the consequences of those choices that will challenge you.

I want both of my friends to find peace with their decisions. Their marriages. Their choices. I can tell you what the Bible says. I am glad that they value my opinion enough for me to be among the first that they chose to confide in, cry with, and share their pain with. I feel blessed that they trust me. Both friends expressed that watching my grace in the midst of my trial is what made them know they could come to me with such a situation. I guess it wasn't so ugly after all. You never know who is watching you or how God is using you. Both conversations were very emotional and afterwards when I got on my knees to pray for the both of them, I knew that my friend Vena, that I met through my Pastor years ago was right, "One day, in the future, you are going to get on your knees & thank God for this situation because he is preparing you to be a blessing to someone else." 


Thank your Lord for allowing me to go through something, to get me where you needed me to be, so that I can stand in the gap and be a witness to others of your power, your mercy and your grace. Amen.


Thoughts ? Comments ? Questions ?

Beautifully Complex

Remember When

Yesterday I spoke to a friend that I have not seen in a while. This person and I don't talk on a regular basis like we did at one point before I moved away to a different part of Texas, but we have a connection that will always be. I am 39 she is 42. About 7 years ago she and I found out that we were dealing with the same challenge: Infertility. This was during a "baby boom" amoung our seperate peer groups of friends, families and co-workers. She and I stood alone, or so we thought, until we were connected through a mutual friend of ours whom we both had confided in separately and privately. It was good to talk with her then and even now. There are so many things that don't have to be said or explained it just comes easy. Since that time, I have divorced. Neither of us were able to conceive after multiple surgeries and procedures and life has continued on. However, I know that there is an undercurrent of sadness that persists in both of us, even though we continue to be immensely blessed in our lives. Yesterday over at CreoleinDC she coincidentally posted about her challenges in this area. I wanted her to be encouraged by the blessings in her life so I posted this:

"Wow. This was so real. My heart is with you. I know how this can hit you hard from time to time.I have been there. I believe that my infertility has allowed me to become closer to my two nieces and nephew. That is the true blessing. But I know it can hurt just the same. Be encouraged. Your love and commitment to you nephews really does matter. He sees and knows all. Believe that."

I have one sister and we are 14 months apart. We are extremely close. We were both married 14 months apart. She was the first to discover that she had a fertility issue which is actually how I discovered that I had one. Although our specific issues were not the same, the result was that we both had this problem to try and overcome. She was able to conceive with fertility procedures and has 3 beautiful children: Savannah, Olivia & KJ(Kevin Jr). They have been an absolute blessing in my life ! I moved about 8 hours away from my family after I got married and decided to stay in Houston after my divorce 10 years later. Despite the distance, my sister and I made a commitment that her children would have a relationship with me. My nieces are eight and six. My nephew is two. When Savannah was two she came to stay with me & my ex-husband after Olivia was born. Since that time, without fail, they come to visit me in the spring and for 2 weeks in the summer. These times when they come it is without their parents and we have been able to bond and build a relationship that I treasure. This uninterrupted time has given us a special opportunity to become closer that I would not trade for anything. I so look forward to cooking for them, planning activities and adventures, shopping for them, spending time with them and just building them into my life. They have developed relationships with my friends and their children here in Texas. I believe that this has been the blessing that came with my infertility. I know that they are not a replacement for the children that I still hope to have, but I know that their love for me and my love for them has saved me during some of my darkest moments. I have personally come a long way in this infertility challenge but I remember when it was not so easy...

I remember when seeing a woman in the store with an infant made my heart hurt.

I remember when people asking me "what was I waiting on ?" brought tears to my eyes.

I remember when admitting that I was infertile actually embarrassed me.

I remember when going to a baby shower was more than a challenge.

I remember when I couldn't even talk about it without crying.

I remember the pain after each failed fertility procedure.

I remember being angry with God.

I remember the depths of despair.

But I also remember when God began to heal my heart and grow me from the inside out and I am so thankful for it. He continues to bless me in spite of me. There is the occasional pang that I feel, but it comes and goes faster than before. I know that is HIS healing power.

The little ones will be here in two weeks for Spring Break. I am so looking forward to the love they give me that fills these holes in my heart. I remember when I didn't think that was possible.