"Twenty Ten", wow, that sounds really strange to say. A true reminder of just how much time has passed. With all the reflective blogging floating around, it's obvious that the last 10 years have been challenging for many, many people. Since I was born in 1969, each new decade marks a milestone birthday for me, 20, ...30,...40. I have thought about the trials and tribulations of the last 10 years of my life and realize just how unpredictable life can be. I remember back then being so excited to be 30 and finally feeling really grown ! I had just moved away from my family a couple of years prior & me and my ex-husband were getting settled into our independent life in Texas, making great friends, buying a beautiful new home, saving lots of money, being very active in ministry and building on the foundation on which we were raised. Careers were flourishing & I thought I had so much to look forward to, our future was so bright. I was blessed beyond measure. I had no idea that I would soon face infertility, separation due to career moves, emotional turmoil, adultery, divorce, financial ruin, and clinical depression. Many a day I would wake up in utter amazement that my life had unraveled so easily and completely. I remember being so hurt and angry at God, feeling sorry for myself, feeling like I did not deserve all that had happened to me and not sure how to resolve those feelings. Insecurity, shame, and fear ruled my life every day, for a very long time. I can honestly say there were too many days when I hurt so deeply and so completely that I really thought it would be better for me to leave this earth....just to make the pain stop ! I am blessed to have found the strength to make it through. So blessed that He never left me, even if I thought He had. He sent angels in the form of people to touch my life. Dear friends and family that stepped up in the defining moments of my life. It is very hard for me to give my testimony without tears falling, because reflection takes me back and I remember how I felt, it is a painful reminder, but I don't ever, ever want to forget. It keeps me grounded. It keeps me from harsh judgment. It keeps me humble. It is my story.
The transition has been far from easy, in fact it has been the most challenging period of my life, but with Him I have faith and unshakable belief. I tried it without Him because I was angry and felt cheated somehow. What a joke ! LOL Through all the false starts, and failures of my own judgment, He got me right where he needed me to be, submitting to His will, not mine. I can't say there are not days when I sometimes long for what I thought was my life in the past. Sometimes someone says something or asks a question that sets me back, but I know that I cannot move forward while looking backward. My Great-Grandmother used to always say " Get the lesson Baby". It's funny how you hear the things older, wiser people have said to you, over and over again, never really getting it, and then one day, it hits you like an epiphany. I am reluctant to make resolutions this year, I guess primarily because I am finally just resolute period, to spend EACH DAY being the best me that I can be. I want to be a better daughter, better sister, better aunt, better cousin, better friend, better co-worker and just a better Christian period. None of that requires that I lose weight, or save money, or any of the other many resolutions people make and then break every year. This last decade has been a huge learning curve for me and I pledge to use all that I have learned to move into this next decade stronger, wiser, and of course better than I have been.
I spent NYE by myself again this year. Another failed relationship, that barely even got started. I was only slightly disappointed though, which I know is a sign of growth. I trust His will be done. He continues to save me from danger and trouble unseen by me. At the end of the day, I was in church, where I promised myself I would be this year, after last years fiasco. It was a truly blessed experienced. Israel & New Breed performed and Pastor West had a word just for me ! I am counting my blessings this morning and don't have enough fingers and toes to do it. I have no idea what the next 10 years will bring but everywhere I look in my life, I see His hands and that is all the comfort that I need. I don't know if I will ever have children of my own, but I know I have children in my life that love me unconditionally. I am not sure if I will ever be a wife again, but God has protected me and covered me and provided for me better than any man ever could. I don't know if I will ever find the companion that I desire, but I do have friends that cut for me and support me through the struggles and the joys. We share life and enjoy one another and make the most of everything we are blessed with. I have good health and a sound mind. I can smile. I can sleep. I can work. I can pray. I can think and communicate and share myself with the world. I can worship. I have a home. I can travel. I can experience life and all that it offers. I recognize I don't deserve any of this. I can't earn it. I don't take it for granted.
I am excited about the new year, another chance to get it right !
Wishing you Peace & Blessings in 2010 ! Thanks for stopping by !
What are your reflections as we make the big transition ?