Thursday, January 8, 2009

Text Fighting Aint Fair

Not sure how this happened but I ended up in a "text battle" today that really managed to aggravate me. Once in a while I will meet someone, have a few dates & things just don't fully click. No big deal it usually seems apparent to both people when the connection does not develop. It's happened to me enough times that I just don't sweat it. Two decent people, just no mutual feelings develop. After our 4th and final date last week, I was pretty much sure that me & Military (from my post earlier this week) were through. As I mentioned there were just a few things that had come to bother me over the approx 30 days we dated. I truly was attempting to just be sure that I wasn't being too particular & trying to give things a bit of a chance. He was being a little pushy(aggressive), but I tried to understand that because that is how some people are when they are interested in someone. He evidently was "sure" he wanted to pursue this with me after such a short time, whereas I can honestly say that he was still being evaluated on my end. But either way we were just dating. He called me the day after our New Year's Eve date & I missed the call. He left a message. I returned his call about an hour later but got his voicemail so I left a message for him to call me back. He did not call me for at least 2 days I'm sure. I fully intended on telling him when he called back that I just wasn't feeling it. He never returned my call & I never called him back. I thought perhaps he was sensing the disconnect as well & had decided to let things just fade to black. No biggie. Fast forward almost a week to today. I know that he left for a business trip on Sunday which was actually the same day that I managed to put my cell phone in the washing machine. It was the weekend, I had to file a claim for my replacement phone & then get it activated. I have been off the air for approx 3 days so if he called but didn't leave a voicemail I wouldn't know. If he sent a text I wouldn't know. Either way, I awake this morning to the following message:

"Have not heard from u. Whats up u alright or just not interested?"

I take a minute and decide how to respond. I truly wanted to make this more about me & less about him so I replied;

"I'm cool just took some time for personal reflection. But honestly my interest has waned. I just don't feel enough of a connection. I wish you peace. "

This was his response:

" I think you should have been more honest earlier I would have more respect for you if you had. My time is very valuable to me & u wasted it. Good luck."

Now I have to be honest. Looking back on this. It was my fault that things got truly ugly. I should have just let it go. But the problem was that I made it a point to try to make this about me but he had to go & accuse me of being dishonest & insinuate that he had less respect for me? I should have just let him have the last word. But no I just had to respond:

" We went on 4 dates. No dishonesty here. It takes ME a little time to get to know a person to determine if we are compatible. But sense you mention respect I would have more for you if you were less-------"

My message cut off, so he quickly responds :

"Less what ?"

My response was this:

"Less arrogant. U assume your time is more valuable than mine. I tried to tactfully explain how I felt & you basically are trying to make me out to be a liar !"

Now he's getting heated, so this was his response:

"Arrogant ? U went on dates with me accepted gifts & did not have the courage to tell me what was going on with u. Try to validate ur behavior anyway u want. I'm glad ur true colors are showing"

For the record, the "gifts" he refers to is a pair of tickets to a basketball game that he purchased months ago for himself (and whomever he intended to plug in). However his month long business trip was going to prevent him from being able to attend the game. He actually told me about the tickets on our second date & explained that he intended to give them to a co-worker of his. I don't know if he was gauging my interest or what. It was just conversation as far as I knew. About a week later he mentioned that his co-worker was also going to be out of town. Again I made no comment. I do recall him asking me what I was doing on the 13th. Anyway, on our third date which was after he returned from visiting his family at Christmas, he gave me a Christmas Card with the tickets inside. I did graciously except them. His statement to me was" you better take one of your girlfriends and not some other man". I said " Of course not I have more class than that "& we laughed. Later during this same dinner date our conversation centered on whether or not I had told my family about him, since he was aware they were in town for Christmas. I advised that I had NOT & had to explain that I just don't give my family specific details about my dating life unless I am settled into a relationship. He wanted me to know that he had told his mother and his children ages 16, 14 & 6 about me. This was puzzling to me & we discussed our different philosophies about it, but we just flat disagreed about it. I thought it was very premature & told him so directly. Our fourth date was New Years Eve & at this point I had no solid reason to back out. But I will admit my disconnect was beginning to become real to me but I decided to see how things would go. But a couple of things that happened that night sealed it for me (for a later post). Anyway back to the texts. I just felt like he was attacking me for having "dated" him & was trying to make me out to be trying to get something out of him. In my opinion the tickets were an afterthought. He did not buy the tickets for me, so its not like he went out & selected something specifically for me. Secondly, I was not even his first choice to give the tickets to. He gave them to me because he didn't want them to go to waste. (He is new to this area & doesn't know many people). So I responded like this:

" True Colors" ? You pretentious ass ! You should learn how to deal with rejection better. We went on 4 dates. Get over it !"

His response:

"Very Christianlike behavior usually ignorant people use profanity because they have no other way to express themselves. Goodbye"

My final answer:

"Judgement and attempting to be condescending is not Christianlike either. Learn some humility. Please don't text me anymore control freak."

He did not respond again.

I know I was wrong in many ways but I truly felt provoked. It should not have happened through texting but the truth is, he is one of these guys that always seems to prefer texting over talking on the phone anyway. I realize that I should have had the courage to call him on the phone & I do regret that. But he did ask the question in a text. I truly feel bad, that I allowed myself to get into a "text fight" like this. But I would have felt worse if we had ended up in a verbal argument. I did resolve to try to be "slow to anger & quick to mercy" this year but it just went out the window. It's still January I guess I can start over tomorrow !

Have you ever had a text fight ? How many dates does it take you to figure out if you have a real connection with someone ?

3 comments:

pserendipity said...

Um, yeah, he sounds a leeeetle bit crazy. At least you figured it out early in the game!

Babs said...

Okay, first of all, a real man picks up the phone. He doesn't text. Period.

Second, your first red flag was that he was telling his momma and children about you so early on. That shows poor judgement and a quick to rush things mentality.

Third, I got in a text fight with a guy I went out with twice. It was ridiculous and afterwards I was mad about it.

Charge it to the game and keep it moving. Sometimes we women just don't think straight.

I know after two dates if I want to continue seeing someone. Truthfully, I usually know after the first. But there is nothing wrong with decided after four dates that you are just not that into him. It's called DATING.

Beautifully Complex said...

@pserediptiy
Exactly I was saved by a text !

@Babs
I try to give it at least 3 the only problem was I didn't want to leave him hanging on NYE & I really was trying to just give it another chance. But I know better.