Monday, July 30, 2007

Complex Emotions-How Long is this Tail ?

Relationships can be so complicated if you let them be. Then sometimes when you flip it, it can seem so simple. I feel like I am at another crossroads, yet dealing with ultimately the same scenario that I have been dealing with for at least 4 years. I am divorced and have been on paper for a little over a year. The question becomes how do I explain that to my heart ? The seperation was extensive (over 2 years) but throughout that time, I never gave up, and stood for my marriage. I went through all of the stages,anxiety, denial, hurt, anger, fear, depression, to name a few, but I am just not sure that I have ever truly conquered acceptance. The backstory and details are endless (for a future post perhaps) but at the end of the day. I am divorced. My marriage failed. Even on the days before the final court appearance, I prayed and fasted & wanted a different outcome. What can I say ? I was extremely emotionally invested in my marriage. He flew in from LA & we stayed together in the days before the divorce hearing. We talked, had sex, argued, cried, made love, slept, and just chilled. On that final morning, and even in the courtroom I gently pleaded (no begging here) for him to consider something different but it was not to be. Ultimately he said it was what he had to do for "himself" even though it may not have been the right thing for "us". He acknowledged it was wrong, but he was just not trying to be right. I couldn't stop it anymore and had to let it go. I saw him at our daughters graduation 3 months later, I gave in and we were intimate, he said he loved me, but of course, he makes no promises and naturally I accept it.

Through her first year of college we communicate somewhat consistently but however, I do try to move on. I meet someone new, a really good guy. Lots of great qualities. I see potential and am so excited about it. I guess I didn't consider it a rebound because I had dated others but this was the first time I felt the possibility of something special. In hindsight, I moved too quickly into that situation, though it never seems that way at the time. As all realtionships go, we hit some speedbumps. He has baggage (an ex wife and small kids) and just like me is in the rebuilding stage financially and emotionally after suffering through a divorce he didn't want either. Also, I just began to see the personality differences and just the general challenges that come with trying to figure out what you can accept about a person and what you cannot. But it seems when your heart has not fully healed from searing, intense pain, everything is amplified. There came a time when we started to discuss marriage and due to this being a long distance situation, the logistics have become a challenge. I made some premature decisions and then began to regret them and was at a loss about how to explain my change of heart. Was it fear ? Is this real love ?We had a huge disagreement on Mothers Day and he flew home unexpectedly, changed his flight and everything ! As I was returning home from the airport, my ex-husband calls to wish me a Happy Mother's Day and I just fell apart ! I couldn't explain it at the time but it was just a culmination of a lot of emotions, anger at being in this situation, anger at losing my family, frustration about trying to build another one, and just overall disappointment ! I cried and he listened and we talked for 4 hours.. His timing was amazing ! My relationship with my new man remained strained after this, I was talking with my ex pretty regularly, though I was reluctant to ask any hard questions, we teased, we flirted and ultimately out of curiosity on both of our parts, decided that we wanted to see each other (it had been over a year). My ex-husband is also several states away, but agreed to make arrangements for me to come out a few weeks later. Now at this point my relationship is under a lot of strain, I am not responding and ultimately this led him to break up with me over the phone, I was hurt and confused, yet feeling trifling and sneaky, but I let it ride. We continued to talk about how to work things out but I was not looking for resolution at that time because I was determined to get with my ex to see what was up ! The trip was fun. The sex was great. We kept the heavy issues to a minimum and never really discussed any real details about our personal lives. We acknowledged that we are both doing our thing, but there is so much to overcome. It was familiar, yet different, the akwardness faded quickly, but there are still so many unspoken words. I tried to keep conflict at a minimum. Everybody knows, I am the one that didn't want this to end --and he does too. Maybe he wanted to see if I have changed or if my heart has changed, I don't know. I expressed my love and he did too. We had drinks, enjoyed the ocean and the beach, went to clubs, restaurants, and did it all-- at least twice, we just had fun, but it had to end.

We have continued to communicate but after about a month after I returned, his attention has waned, yet again. Now here I sit, confused about why I even pretended that I could play with my heart this way. But I knew I was playing with fire going in. I can't blame anyone other than myself. I'm not even angry at anyone, not even myself. I'm just recycling over and over the same dissappointment regarding what my life has become. I have not admitted to my estranged man what I did last month and I don't think I ever will. What would be the point ? Technically we were broken up, but I know that its not right, because he does not have full disclosure. We have somewhat tried to reconcile but things are not the same. I have expressed to him that this relationship has moved too fast and that I would like to pace myself a bit. He has agreed to accept that for the moment. I see that I have become selfish. It's not attractive or something that I am proud of, but its real talk. Somedays I wish that he would just let go of me, because I am not sure that I am capable of giving him what he deserves. But the fear of making a premature decision keeps me holding on(coward). When I saw him two weeks ago we were trying to discuss some issues in our relationship. You see we both acknowledge that the "future has a past" and it is almost impossible to not let your history influence your life. We were both married for 10 years. However, our marriage experiences were vastly different. He has admitted to his issues and there were actually 3 physical seperations of some duration, where he actually left the home and went out and established other relationships throughout these times. At the end she was the one who got into another "situation" and then decided that she didn't want to reconcile and she wanted the divorce, only to later find out that her "situation" was not panning out. However by then, he had moved on emotionally and and wasn't interested in trying to repair things. My situation was a bit different. For 8 years of marriage (plus 5 yrs of dating) I was happy. He seemed happy. We had our issues as do all marriages, but there was never any "third party influence" during that time and definitely no reason to ever seperate. We were busy trying to manage our careers and future goals, two promotion opportunities came in two different cities. I made some bad decisions and positions. He was presented with temptation and opportunity he made bad decisions and took the wrong position.. There was miscommunication, misunderstanding, all intensified by the distance, and our marriage unraveled quicker than I would have ever believed was possible ! Ultimately, however, I was willing to get beyond the past, forgive him for the "third party influence" that had come in to play on his side and work to save the marriage. Yet, he could not forgive me for my failures, and ultimately had no desire to make the effort to try to resolve things. It just wasn't in his heart for me.

While discussing yet again, some of these issues with my estranged man , he had an epiphany. He point blank said to me " This just came to me, I think that you have some unresolved feelings for your ex-husband that may be hindering you from being able to fully engage in this relationship". You could have bought me for a penny !!!He then asked me some very difficult questions, but told me that I didn't need to answer them right away, but that I needed to think on it. I felt so transparent ! How do you tell someone that you truly love, that you still have love in your heart for someone else ? Especially when that person crushed you and your new love has only shown you kindness and respect. I swear the truth is stranger than fiction and I couldn't make this shit up !

1 comment:

Jermon Cooks said...

I think you would enjoy reading my book, Love Fiction: A Journey Through Its Truths...