Married Living Single

Yesterday over at CreoleinDC the question was asked about whether or not you would be ok with dating someone who was legally seperated while waiting to file for divorce and whether or not you considered people in this situation still married or not. The vast majority of responses were in the vein of "seperated does not equal divorce". At the end of the day, a person will do what they want to do & what they can live with. The question becomes can you live with the consequences of your choices if you put yourself in a situation such as this ? Because from what I have seen, things can become complicated and confusing & lots of people can get hurt when you bring outside parties into the equation. The outcomes can vary quite a bit. I meet lots of guys all the time who claim to be "seperated" and trust me, there is always a backstory of some sort, with the sole purpose of justifying to me why they should actually be considered "available" for me to date. I believe a fraction of what they tell me. I always pass on these dating options & am amazed at the energy & effort that these men put into the pursuit of dating & living single while married & wonder if the same effort was put into saving their marriage ? Having survived a very painful divorce & having to go through alot of grief, loneliness & much therapy I realize that the time in your life when you marriage is being dissolved is very precarious. When you meet someone who is seperated you have no true idea if they have dealt with the issues & problems that lead to the divorce & trust me, that can become your problem if you are not careful. I know for a fact that seperation does not always end in divorce. It is my opinion that seperation should be time spent being sure that divorce is what is best & if so making sure that the legal aspects are settled & complete. That is all you need to be focused on while you are seperated. What some people fail to realize is that bringing in a third party can only complicate this process. Sometimes people are not prepared for the emotions that they come to feel when they realize that divorce is actually going to happen. You mix in children and the plot thickens. I know men who have been seperated from their wives, flaunting their mistress all around town, among family, friends, and then wonder why they get screwed in the custody arrangements, child support issues & property division. Would it kill a person, to put all romantic relationships on hold until your business is handled ? Is it that crucial ? Another scenario for the third party is that they get used and abused after they have become emotionally invested. Ask my ex-husbands mistress. She deluded herself into believing all that he was telling her. For one thing, some people who are seperated still continue to be sexually intimate, after all, they are still married. I sometimes regret some of my choices , but my mind was in a bad place, I did not want the divorce & the truth is up until our final court date when it was finalized, I would have been willing to reconcile on the courthouse steps. Long story short, after divorcing me, my ex realized that he had no intention of leaving a 10 year marriage (16 year relationship total) to walk right into another serious situation with the mistress. He had to deal with some of his own issues that he was able to avoid while being with her. It took him about a year to get rid of the mistress because she just could not accept it & turned into a psycho-stalker LOL ! ( Imagine that coming from the same chick who called me at my home & couldn't understand why I wouldn't just accept the divorce & let her have him !) He then spent about a year playing the scene and as I understand it, is now dating a woman 15 years younger than him. I don't have an ounce of pity for her. Karma is a B ! Although many situations my end differently, it just makes sense to wait and finish one chapter before you begin another.

Do you know anyone who ended up happy after dating a "married but seperated" man ?

Why are so many people willing to begin dating & even start full blown relationships before they have handled their business ?

Inauguration Experience

My trip to DC was a wonderful experience and I am truly glad that I was able to share such a historic moment in our nations history. I was able to share it with some friends that I have had for over 20 years(since college) and truly felt connected to something larger than me. It was such a humbling experience and yet I felt intense pride at the same time. There is something about our President and the First Lady that seems so genuine to me. I pray for them constantly as if they are family members & I feel so invested in their success. It's hard to explain but obviously I don't have to, as so many people have similar feelings. I am so tired of those who try to minimize the "Obama Effect" and act as if he is being worshipped. I know the God I serve and understand very well that he is just a man. But I am curious as to why anyone would be envious of a person who has been able to unify so many diverse groups of people in such an intense fashion. Why would anyone who truly wants whats best for our country have a problem with this? I love America, I truly do, but sometimes the hypocrisy of people who claim to stand for the principles in which this country was founded amazes me. When I arrived in DC on the Friday before the Inauguration, the temperature was only 9 degrees ! At that point I was a bit concerned about whether or not I was fully prepared. I followed the directions of CreoleinDC & had my layers together but once my friends Shree & Dondi inspected everything we discovered that I was lacking in the footwear department. My shoes were just not going to cut it. Luckily I was able to wear a pair of extra boots belonging to their 16 yr old son & by the end of the Parade on Tuesday I was singing his praises. There was a total of 8 people in our group. We got up at 5AM and did not make it back to the house until 8PM. We all really bonded that day. We encountered so many friendly people. I met a soror who lives in Austin. We met people from everywhere, California, Texas, New York you name it. The only celebrities I actually saw were Oprah & Stedman, getting into a car right across the street from where we were standing. I also met Chamillionare a Houston rapper at the airport on my return. The vibe was so festive and positive & despite the cold and the crowds & the absolute need for patience I would do it all over again. My friends were texting me making jokes asking me "Are you wearing Depends ?" LOL. The truth is that I was always able to get to a port-a potty very easily & had plenty of extra tissue tucked into my socks (per my mother's advice) just in case. When you are properly layered & have comfortable shoes you really can deal with the cold. The temperature actually ended up around 30 degrees & the sun came out just in time for the swearing in. I brought back lots of souvenirs for the family from the street vendors. I purchased every different newspaper and magazine I could find. I can't wait till Spring Break to put my scrapbook together with the assistance of my nieces Savannah & Olivia ages 8 & 6 who remind me so much of Malia & Sasha. They will get a kick out of that. The one thing that I intend to do this year that was already on my list of Resolutions is to step up my involvement in Community Service. I have gotten a little bit comfortable and need to make the effort to just DO more. My President has truly inspired me to do so. God Bless America !

The Interview

This is a Blog post idea that I got from one of my most favorite Bloggers, http://babsinblogland.wordpress.com/ Hope you enjoy it & have some fun.

1. If you want to participate, leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.” (And your e-mail address, please.)
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

1. Excluding weight, what is one physical trait you would change about yourself if you could?

This one is easy, I would be completely hair free on all areas of my body except my head, eyebrows, and eyelashes. I would never have to shave, wax, or use any type of depilatory ever again in life !

2. What is your most memorable vacation?

This would definitely be 3 years ago when I went to Jamaica with my entire family because my sister and her husband were renewing their wedding vows for their 10th Anniversary. It was a very simple ceremony so we didn't have alot of preparation to do, so I was able to just enjoy the vacation & time with my family. For some people who attended it was their first time leaving the country and going to a resort so it was really nice to experience that with some of the elders for the first time. I was tasked with keeping up with my two nieces who were ages 3 & 5 at the time so my hands were full. It was also memorable for me because I was seperated and going through a very painful divorce at the time, yet I was still able to enjoy the beauty of my sisters marriage and my family coming together to celebrate their union once again.

3. Have you ever had to be admitted to a hospital ? What for ?

Yes unfortunately it was in my 11th grade year of High School. I had to have my Appendix taken out less than 2 weeks before the Prom. This was before they did the minimally invasive procedure they perform these days where you have the little bikini scar. I actually have a very large scar that runs from my belly button to my pubic bone. Also this was before they sewed you up with the stitches that dissolve. I actually had actual staples in my stomach that had to be later removed. Fortunately I was able to attend the Prom and wear by dress. I had a very large contraption wrapped around my abdomen that looked like a girdle under my dress. I was only able to sit at the table and have a couple of slow dances but I was just glad that I did not miss the event after having spent all my hard earned after shool job money on a dress, shoes & jewelry, etc. I am smiling in the pictures even though I was still in some serious pain.

4. What song do you love, that would suprise most people?

Actually I love alot of Southern Rappers like UGK (Bun B) & Lil' Keke that most of my peers just won't listen to. I can't limit it to one song, but the ones I like the best seem to always be the rawest ones ! I guess I am just amazed at how expressive & bold alot of rappers can be. I have a couple of DJ friends who make me mixed CD's so I don't usually have to purchase most of what I listen to, but occasionally I will buy something that I am really feeling. It's strange because I honestly can't relate to most of what they rap about. My life is the polar opposite & some of it is extremely mysogynistic & sexist but I find it interesting being exposed to the world of others.

5. Which of the following would you choose, if you HAD to give one up for a year: cable/satellite, cell phone, home computer, automobile or flatiron/hair dryer?

This was tough to answer, but I would have to say cable/satellite because I could actually get my news & even watch movies & TV shows on the internet. I would just have to search more diligently & specificially for things. I would definitely miss my DVR though !

Text Fighting Aint Fair

Not sure how this happened but I ended up in a "text battle" today that really managed to aggravate me. Once in a while I will meet someone, have a few dates & things just don't fully click. No big deal it usually seems apparent to both people when the connection does not develop. It's happened to me enough times that I just don't sweat it. Two decent people, just no mutual feelings develop. After our 4th and final date last week, I was pretty much sure that me & Military (from my post earlier this week) were through. As I mentioned there were just a few things that had come to bother me over the approx 30 days we dated. I truly was attempting to just be sure that I wasn't being too particular & trying to give things a bit of a chance. He was being a little pushy(aggressive), but I tried to understand that because that is how some people are when they are interested in someone. He evidently was "sure" he wanted to pursue this with me after such a short time, whereas I can honestly say that he was still being evaluated on my end. But either way we were just dating. He called me the day after our New Year's Eve date & I missed the call. He left a message. I returned his call about an hour later but got his voicemail so I left a message for him to call me back. He did not call me for at least 2 days I'm sure. I fully intended on telling him when he called back that I just wasn't feeling it. He never returned my call & I never called him back. I thought perhaps he was sensing the disconnect as well & had decided to let things just fade to black. No biggie. Fast forward almost a week to today. I know that he left for a business trip on Sunday which was actually the same day that I managed to put my cell phone in the washing machine. It was the weekend, I had to file a claim for my replacement phone & then get it activated. I have been off the air for approx 3 days so if he called but didn't leave a voicemail I wouldn't know. If he sent a text I wouldn't know. Either way, I awake this morning to the following message:

"Have not heard from u. Whats up u alright or just not interested?"

I take a minute and decide how to respond. I truly wanted to make this more about me & less about him so I replied;

"I'm cool just took some time for personal reflection. But honestly my interest has waned. I just don't feel enough of a connection. I wish you peace. "

This was his response:

" I think you should have been more honest earlier I would have more respect for you if you had. My time is very valuable to me & u wasted it. Good luck."

Now I have to be honest. Looking back on this. It was my fault that things got truly ugly. I should have just let it go. But the problem was that I made it a point to try to make this about me but he had to go & accuse me of being dishonest & insinuate that he had less respect for me? I should have just let him have the last word. But no I just had to respond:

" We went on 4 dates. No dishonesty here. It takes ME a little time to get to know a person to determine if we are compatible. But sense you mention respect I would have more for you if you were less-------"

My message cut off, so he quickly responds :

"Less what ?"

My response was this:

"Less arrogant. U assume your time is more valuable than mine. I tried to tactfully explain how I felt & you basically are trying to make me out to be a liar !"

Now he's getting heated, so this was his response:

"Arrogant ? U went on dates with me accepted gifts & did not have the courage to tell me what was going on with u. Try to validate ur behavior anyway u want. I'm glad ur true colors are showing"

For the record, the "gifts" he refers to is a pair of tickets to a basketball game that he purchased months ago for himself (and whomever he intended to plug in). However his month long business trip was going to prevent him from being able to attend the game. He actually told me about the tickets on our second date & explained that he intended to give them to a co-worker of his. I don't know if he was gauging my interest or what. It was just conversation as far as I knew. About a week later he mentioned that his co-worker was also going to be out of town. Again I made no comment. I do recall him asking me what I was doing on the 13th. Anyway, on our third date which was after he returned from visiting his family at Christmas, he gave me a Christmas Card with the tickets inside. I did graciously except them. His statement to me was" you better take one of your girlfriends and not some other man". I said " Of course not I have more class than that "& we laughed. Later during this same dinner date our conversation centered on whether or not I had told my family about him, since he was aware they were in town for Christmas. I advised that I had NOT & had to explain that I just don't give my family specific details about my dating life unless I am settled into a relationship. He wanted me to know that he had told his mother and his children ages 16, 14 & 6 about me. This was puzzling to me & we discussed our different philosophies about it, but we just flat disagreed about it. I thought it was very premature & told him so directly. Our fourth date was New Years Eve & at this point I had no solid reason to back out. But I will admit my disconnect was beginning to become real to me but I decided to see how things would go. But a couple of things that happened that night sealed it for me (for a later post). Anyway back to the texts. I just felt like he was attacking me for having "dated" him & was trying to make me out to be trying to get something out of him. In my opinion the tickets were an afterthought. He did not buy the tickets for me, so its not like he went out & selected something specifically for me. Secondly, I was not even his first choice to give the tickets to. He gave them to me because he didn't want them to go to waste. (He is new to this area & doesn't know many people). So I responded like this:

" True Colors" ? You pretentious ass ! You should learn how to deal with rejection better. We went on 4 dates. Get over it !"

His response:

"Very Christianlike behavior usually ignorant people use profanity because they have no other way to express themselves. Goodbye"

My final answer:

"Judgement and attempting to be condescending is not Christianlike either. Learn some humility. Please don't text me anymore control freak."

He did not respond again.

I know I was wrong in many ways but I truly felt provoked. It should not have happened through texting but the truth is, he is one of these guys that always seems to prefer texting over talking on the phone anyway. I realize that I should have had the courage to call him on the phone & I do regret that. But he did ask the question in a text. I truly feel bad, that I allowed myself to get into a "text fight" like this. But I would have felt worse if we had ended up in a verbal argument. I did resolve to try to be "slow to anger & quick to mercy" this year but it just went out the window. It's still January I guess I can start over tomorrow !

Have you ever had a text fight ? How many dates does it take you to figure out if you have a real connection with someone ?

Little Brown Girls

I am becoming quite addicted to the D.aily Sh.ow with Jon Stewart. The show is so smartly written & he is totally hilarious. He is quite odd looking on the surface but I don't know it seems over time he has become more attractive to me. I guess its the fact that he is so sharp, funny & charismatic. I love this show because they really approach the news and politics in an unusual way. Its informative and very entertaining. Yesterday they did a show in regard to all the ridiculous media attention that Malia & Sasha Obama are getting surrounding their first day of school. I loved it ! There are some pretty talented actors on the show. He also had Rachel Maddow on from MSNBC & she is extremely cool & smart. I definitely think that the media pretty much overkills most things these days, but I guess I am a little torn about this because I am so proud to have these little brown girls growing up in the White House & representing us all around the world. I definitely want their safety to be the priority & in now way feel it should ever be compromised. I guess even though I know we should respect their privacy because they are kids, I feel like they are such beautiful, smart, accomplished little girls that I want the world to truly understand that we (meaning black people) are more similar to them than we are different. The more that America & the world sees this, the better. There are still so many non-black people who don't really know how black people in general live, think, or feel because they are inundated with stereotypes on a daily basis. I think the Obama family will go a long way in dispelling some of this simply because they are on the worlds stage now.

My Time to Shine in 2009

Whew ! 2008 was quite a year. I was all over the board. Alot of things can happen in year which is why I am ever hopeful for this next one. Let's see....this time last year I was preparing to run my 4th Half-Marathon with plans to run a full one this year. I did complete the race in January & planned to join a running club to train for the full this year. However, I struggled with a knee injury in October which along with Hurricane Ike in September & the loss of electricity for 3 weeks, staying here and there with different friends who had power threw my whole training program completely off. I am a bit disappointed as I continue to see the promotions for the big race & the never ending emails they keep sending as I am still on the distribution list even though I sold by bib. The good news is that I am going to DC for 6 days for the Inauguration & to visit friends which happens to coincide with the weekend of the race, so I will definitely trade the race for Obama & Michelle. I would not have been able to go the DC to witness this historic event if I had still planned to run so it is all working out. The down side is that my fitness goals got tanked without me having a set goal to work toward to keep me motivated so I am back on the wagon trying to pull it all together before I turn the big 4-0 this summer. I can't stop. I won't quit. Believe that ( as my friend Eric would say). The holidays were lovely despite a very herky jerky year in my personal/romantic life. I started out trying to recover from dealing with my ex-husband, only to realize that ditching me for the last time must have been his New Years Resolution for 2008 ! LOL ! Then first thing out of the gate in March I get hooked up with this fool I met online who turned out the be a real life Stalker (my first) ! I thought I had bounced back when in May I reconnected with a guy I knew in college( who will be referred to as Commitment Phobe). But in hindsight it was moving way too fast & I should not have been willing to get pulled in so quickly even though he was seemingly leading the way. He fooled me, my family & closest crew. He deserves the Oscar & the Emmy ! The silver lining is that I had a wonderful birthday in which I was happy (at the time) & surrounded by my closest friends & felt really special. Things ended very abruptly in October ( just before that nortorious 6 month window) but I am convinced now that I truly dodged a bullet. So I came into the holidays, doing my best to battle my depression about being back on the dating scene yet again & did a pretty good job of having a nice holiday season for the most part. Enjoyed hosting my family in my first new house since my divorce & it was lovely. Had a blast with the nieces & the nephew & just felt overwhelmingly blessed. I started dating Military at the beginning of December & ended up ending it on New Years Day. Another lesson learned. It is better to spend New Years at church in commune with God, or with your closests friends, or just by yourself rather than to spend it "out on the town" with someone that you just aren't feeling to avoid being alone. It was a nice dinner, a nice event, but since I had already began to notice some deal breakers & red flags I knew it was not going to last & just could not muster up the "required excitement" for New Year's Eve. I am sure that HE got caught up in the holidays himself & just didn't want to be alone. I myself know that I would have been OK. This is a milestone year for me & I really do want to put my best effort to the task of realizing my dreams great & small. I have some written resolutions but I won't detail them here as this post is long enough. But I do plan to hold myself accountable & use this blog as a way to measure & document my successes and any setbacks. One of my goals is to blog more frequently starting right here & now. So here I am with a new year, a new start, a chance to keep getting up & moving closer to what HE has for me. It has my name on it. I don't know what it is, but I trust its mine & will come in the appointed time.