Dating Adventures

It's been a minute since I posted about any dating scenarious so I guess I will present one. I have been talking on the phone to a guy who lives in a different city. I will call him Distant One. I met this guy at a party about two years ago evidently we spoke briefly, but according to him, he was "too shy" to approach me. I have zero recollection of this meeting. In December I hosted a Christmas party at my house and a young lady I know brought Distant Ones friend to my house. Evidently there was some discussion via cell phone as to where they were & they put me on the phone. Distant One advised that he had met me previously & inquired as to whether he could get my phone number & call me the next week. We began talking on the phone a few times per week. He seemed like a nice guy. He began to inquire about me sending pictures & I agreed to email him some to his cell phone. He forwarded me a few cell phone pics as he does not have a computer nor a digital camera. The photos were all pretty dark but from what I could tell he looked decent. January was a busy month for me. He had couple of deaths in his family in February and in the first half of March I was busy preparing for my nieces & nephew to visit for Spring Break ! We finally managed to meet this past weekend because he invited me to a Crawfish Boil being hosted by some relatives and friends that live in my city.

Now we have been talking consistently but not as much as I am accustomed to. He is an early bird and I am a night owl. I have more flexibility in my work schedule, so this limited some of our interactions and ability to have longer conversations. One of the things that I look for in conversation is what path a man is on in his life. Distant One made it clear early on that he is looking for a wife, which is fine, but what seemed to bother me was his futuristic talk well before we had even met face to face ! I made my ultimate desire to be married again someday known, but I tend to approach this pretty openly & definitely don't get into that type of talk too deeply until I have determined whether there is a sincere mutual interest between both parties.

This guy is a Christian & has been in church for about 3 years now. He is solidly blue collar, yet he is a home owner. He is family oriented. His went to college for about a year. He is not dumb, but honestly the conversations have been limited because it does not appear that he has any real interests beyond sports. One of the things about him is that he is a jokester. He is always making a joke & sometimes its hard to know when he is "kidding" or serious. Sometimes I have to say, "OK can you be serious for just a second". He asked me well over a month ago to commit to another family event over Easter Weekend. I tried to stall him because I wanted to wait until we had at least met first. This event will involve some travel but I ultimately agreed to attend with him. Last week we agreed that even if after we met if there was no connection, we would still proceed with the event& go our seperate ways after that. It seems to me that he wants to save face with his family. I was OK with that plan initially.

So we met this past weekend. Friday was supposed to be the night that we spent together & then Saturday I was to be at the Crawfish Boil/Domino Turnament with his family & friends. He insisted after picking me up for dinner an HOUR late that we go by his brothers house so that I could meet him and his sister-in-law. First thing I noticed was that he had lied about his height. I am 5'10 ( which means 6' in heels). He made it obvious by calling me "shorty" after the first few minutes in my home. I called him on it & told him there was no way he was 6'. The other thing that I immediately noticed was his teeth. I will attempt to be respectful and just say they were not very appealing to me. What I realized instantly was that in none of the four pictures that he sent me was he smiling. I had no way of knowing. I was a bit dissappointed but trying to be open minded, after all I had been talking with this person for a few months.

The men were in the garage & the women were in the house. They guys were drinking and a bit rowdy, there were some unneccesary comments about my appearance that Distant One should not have subjected me to, as it was very uncomfortable. I realized that I was being paraded for their approval. This was waaaay to premature. We went in to meet the sister-in-law and her friends whom were all very nice. They greeted me very warmly and were very hospitable.The problem I had was when they insisted that we stay there at the house with them because they had "plenty of food if you guys are hungry". I'm thinking," do you people not realize this is our first time meeting and our first date ? "I was gracious and polite but was going to let him handle it. I think for a moment he considered that we would just stay but at some point he got the message.

We went to a restaurant of my choice since we were in my stomping grounds. I should also point out that he does not seem to be much of a restaurant person & his diet consists of bar food, etc. He said that he enjoyed the seafood at Goode Company in Katy. When we walked into the restaurant & were waiting to be seated, he walked away from me to the bar to check the score on the game. I was seated alone & then he looked up to realize that I was already seated. The food was wonderful but the conversation just OK. I think he may use jokes, to alleviate him of nervousness or to hide his limited social skills. During dinner both his sister in law & brother called to find out when we were coming back. I decided to say nothing. I was just going to see how far he would take it. He did ask if I minded if we went back over to their house. He made a comment about them wanting to get to know me. We returned after dinner & basically just sat around watching TV & talking. It was a bit akward for me because again, this is my first time being in the prescence of this person & I am with family members too ? There were alot of inside jokes. I was able to be somewhat involved in the conversation but still this was not what I had expected, especially since the following day there was a scheduled event with these same people. We finally left so that he could take me home. He tried to make it seem as if he was waiting for me to say I was ready to go. I could not understand how he would put me in that position & did not understand why we needed to go back to their house since I had already met them earlier in the evening. We should have taken this time to get better acquainted.

The following day we only had about an hour 1/2 together before going to the event. Conversation was ok, but he made one too many comments about my appearance in my jeans. I was flattered the first time. After that, it seemed juvenile. We arrived at the event. He participated in and won the Domino tournament with a friend of his. I was able to make conversation with the ladies there at the park and later, a friend of mine showed up with her boyfriend. Aftewards we went back to his sisters house & he invited my friend and her boyfriend to come. Distant One was busy playing cards with his relatives and did not really engage me or my friends. My friend attempted to talk with him and her summation to her boyfriend was "BC is not going to like him he doesn't have enough conversation".

He took me home later that night. We were both tired. I invited him in & we sat on the sofa, both falling asleep, limited conversation. I was feeling like I had spent a weekend and did not really know this person any more than before he came & he was leaving first thing in the morning. He stayed for about 30 minutes. When he got back to his brothers house, he called me to let me know that his family was clowning him saying " BC must really not like you, she didn't let you stay at her house not one night!" I had no comment. Now I am trying to figure out if I want to suffer through the event in two weeks or not. I am inclined to try to give him another shot and also keep my word since we did discuss what would happen if we didn't really connect this weekend.

What would you do ? How long should you wait before introducing dating partners to family and friends ?

All That Jazz

This past weekend I had the wonderful experience of hearing a couple of my favorite musicians perform live. On Saturday night I went to see Joe Carmouche a popular Jazz Guitarist. He has a very nice and intimate place in downtown Houston called Le.gends Jazz Cafe. I went to listen to him and his trio play on a first date with a new guy that I actually met last week at W.al-Mar.t of all places. (Details in another blog post). I really enjoyed it. The have some really nice artwork everywhere. It's very simple and cozy spot and the music was amazing ! I was able to talk with him personally after the set as he seemed to be quite familiar with my date. I have seen him perform opening for lots of Jazz artists that come through Houston. In person he was very gracious and made me feel really welcome. They also serve some very good Cajun Cuisine too. We shared an appetizer platter which consisted of some Boudain Balls, some type of Seafood Egg Rolls, Chicken Wings and some Seafood Beignets that were really good. Since I gave up alcohol for Lent, and my date does not imbibe, I'm not sure about whether or not the drinks are good. This is definitely a very nice place to take a date or even friends. The crowd was extremely diverse and really responsive to the music. I will definitely return.

On Friday night, a girlfriend and I went to one of my favorite spots in Houston, The R.ed Cat Ja.zz Cafe to hear Frank McComb who is more like a Jazz vocalist. He plays keyboard and has a voice as smooth as silk. I should also mention he is fine as wine ! My mom is a huge fan so I managed to get a photo with him after the show. She was so excited to open up her email. Frank sounds like a cross between Donny Hathaway and Stevie Wonder and has smile that lights up the room. The Red Cat is a larger venue that the other place and has quite a bit of local talent like Kyle Turner a saxophone player that plays pretty regularly. This is a great place for people who really appreciate real music and is not even close to being a meat market or pickup spot. Now the food at the Red Cat is not recommended. I have been disappointed many times so I try to always come after dinner. I make a point to get out to this place at least every other month or whenever a national artist comes through.

I love to go and hear artists that I know perform well live. Some of my absolute favorites are Lalah Hathaway, Ledisi, Jill Scott, Mint Condition, Anthony Hamilton and Kem.

Who are some of your favorite live performers ? Where in your city can you go to hear truly talented artists and musicians ?

Remember When

Yesterday I spoke to a friend that I have not seen in a while. This person and I don't talk on a regular basis like we did at one point before I moved away to a different part of Texas, but we have a connection that will always be. I am 39 she is 42. About 7 years ago she and I found out that we were dealing with the same challenge: Infertility. This was during a "baby boom" amoung our seperate peer groups of friends, families and co-workers. She and I stood alone, or so we thought, until we were connected through a mutual friend of ours whom we both had confided in separately and privately. It was good to talk with her then and even now. There are so many things that don't have to be said or explained it just comes easy. Since that time, I have divorced. Neither of us were able to conceive after multiple surgeries and procedures and life has continued on. However, I know that there is an undercurrent of sadness that persists in both of us, even though we continue to be immensely blessed in our lives. Yesterday over at CreoleinDC she coincidentally posted about her challenges in this area. I wanted her to be encouraged by the blessings in her life so I posted this:

"Wow. This was so real. My heart is with you. I know how this can hit you hard from time to time.I have been there. I believe that my infertility has allowed me to become closer to my two nieces and nephew. That is the true blessing. But I know it can hurt just the same. Be encouraged. Your love and commitment to you nephews really does matter. He sees and knows all. Believe that."

I have one sister and we are 14 months apart. We are extremely close. We were both married 14 months apart. She was the first to discover that she had a fertility issue which is actually how I discovered that I had one. Although our specific issues were not the same, the result was that we both had this problem to try and overcome. She was able to conceive with fertility procedures and has 3 beautiful children: Savannah, Olivia & KJ(Kevin Jr). They have been an absolute blessing in my life ! I moved about 8 hours away from my family after I got married and decided to stay in Houston after my divorce 10 years later. Despite the distance, my sister and I made a commitment that her children would have a relationship with me. My nieces are eight and six. My nephew is two. When Savannah was two she came to stay with me & my ex-husband after Olivia was born. Since that time, without fail, they come to visit me in the spring and for 2 weeks in the summer. These times when they come it is without their parents and we have been able to bond and build a relationship that I treasure. This uninterrupted time has given us a special opportunity to become closer that I would not trade for anything. I so look forward to cooking for them, planning activities and adventures, shopping for them, spending time with them and just building them into my life. They have developed relationships with my friends and their children here in Texas. I believe that this has been the blessing that came with my infertility. I know that they are not a replacement for the children that I still hope to have, but I know that their love for me and my love for them has saved me during some of my darkest moments. I have personally come a long way in this infertility challenge but I remember when it was not so easy...

I remember when seeing a woman in the store with an infant made my heart hurt.

I remember when people asking me "what was I waiting on ?" brought tears to my eyes.

I remember when admitting that I was infertile actually embarrassed me.

I remember when going to a baby shower was more than a challenge.

I remember when I couldn't even talk about it without crying.

I remember the pain after each failed fertility procedure.

I remember being angry with God.

I remember the depths of despair.

But I also remember when God began to heal my heart and grow me from the inside out and I am so thankful for it. He continues to bless me in spite of me. There is the occasional pang that I feel, but it comes and goes faster than before. I know that is HIS healing power.

The little ones will be here in two weeks for Spring Break. I am so looking forward to the love they give me that fills these holes in my heart. I remember when I didn't think that was possible.

40 Days to a Better Life

I am so looking forward to this season of Lent. It seems like this year is some what of a transitional year for me as I am really attempting to show some growth and prove some things to myself. I took a look at my 2009 Resolutions in my journal. I'm not too far off the mark, but the timing of Lent is perfect to rejuvinate me. I feel like I have been doing pretty good with some internal challenges, but also recognize that its time to put some things to rest for good and I know that I have to do better. I am fully committed this year, where as in the past I start off making sacrifices for Him but fail somewhere along the way. I know he knows my heart and forgives me but I want to do better for Him & to try my best to be all that He intends for me to be. Babs recently posted about being a grudge holder and it hit me square on the head. I consider myself to be a very giving and thoughtful person, especially when it comes to my family and those closest to me. But I am a very sensitive person at times and have truly realized how difficult it is for me to let go of resentment and unforgiveness when people hurt me or disappoint me. This has been a huge challenge for me. I put it down. I pick it up. We are starting a 40 days of fasting, praying, scripture reading at church. Additionally, I have laid out a few things that I plan to eliminate from my life during this time, to help with my focus and to show my commitment.

Things I plan to eliminate:
1. Alcohol
2. Bread
3. Sugar
4. Listening to negativity

Things I plan to increase:
1. Daily scripture reading & prayer
2. Exercise
3. Reading
4. Journaling & Blogging

I am on the road to turning 40 this summer and am feeling quite positive about it. Because I have had a few major setbacks these last few years I am trying my best to boost myself up as much as possible. The danger in this is becoming too self-absorbed. I want to maintain a balance of being encouraged with lots of humility. I have faith that He will direct my path, as long as I am listening to Him and praying for discernment.

Are you making any sacrifices during Lent ?

Raising the Bar

I just finished reading St.eve Ha.rvey's new book, " A.ct Like a La.dy, Thi.nk Lik.e A M.an". It was a very quick read-less than 230 pages and pretty straightforward with the information, much like his comedic delivery. I have read a lot of self-help relationship books in the past so there was not a lot of new information here for me, but it was good to hear some things reinforced from a man's point of view. Evidently he appeared on El.len's show last week and the book debuted at #1 on somebodies publishing list. Now I can definitely see how there are a lot of women who can benefit from reading this book and applying the principles to their dating escapades. Much of it is just common sense. But I guess it seems that it's just not common enough ! LOL One of the recurring themes is basically that you show men how to treat you by what you are willing to accept. He states that women are the ones with the power in male female relationships but we just don't know how to use it. I thought about this and have to agree. I believe that more than anything a lot of women have lost their power in the form of a loss of self esteem. In a round about way this effects other women because it colors the way that men view women collectively and I believe affects the way that men approach women and attempt to deal with some of them in general. I say ATTEMPT because this foolishness does not always work, but it works enough for some guys to continue to try certain things. My friends and I discuss this all the time and we call it "lowering the bar". It seems that so many women have bought into this "man shortage" theory, as well as lowering their expectations in general, that the game has been changed. Men don't have a problem approaching you with nonsense, because it works or has worked for one of his boys. In the book, Steve talks about the various reasons that men cheat. He stated that the biggest reason of all is "There is always a woman out their willing to cheat with him". And this is done knowingly. He explains, "Men can cheat because there are so many women willing to give themselves to a man who doesn't belong to them. He talks about how so many relationships and marriages could be saved if more women refused to participate in these situations because they thought they deserved better. He says "Men Respect Standards-Get Some". I guess after reading this book, I kind of felt a bit of sadness, because honestly this book is targeted towards basically grown women who should have learned these concepts after a couple of heartbreaks. It is sad that we as women ( in general) have lowered the bar to the point that there is a real audience for this type of book. I don't know what the solution is, but I guess we just have to Raise the Bar one woman at a time.

Have you read this book ? What did you learn ?

Why do you think there is an audience for it ? What are your thoughts ?

My Funny Valentine

I heard the statement yesterday while flipping through the channels that "Valentine's Day can make or break a relationship". I was called away to something more important but later continued to ponder on whether or not that was true or not. In my estimation, most times, people know whether or not they are in a relationship that is working or not. At least ONE person knows for sure. Now whether they are truly communicating that or not is another thing. I have a close friend who is having a few challenges in her new relationship of less than a year. Some fundamental issues of what it means to be in a relationship have come up & it does not appear that there is going to be a compromise. Each person feels how they feel about it. I could see this collision in advance because she and I talk regularly and I know her better than most. The funny thing, is that it's going to take this "make or break" holiday for a decision to have to be made. I wonder why that is ?

I am definitely a lover of Valentine's Day. Even though I am currently single, I still fully support this holiday. I consider all the V- Day bashing that is going on in blog land just ol' fashioned Hatin ! When Christmas comes around each year, Christians don't say " Oh I go to church every Sunday & read my bible everyday, I don't need to celebrate the birth of Jesus on some holiday, I celebrate it everyday in prayer !" LOL ! When you are in love there is nothing wrong with celebrating that love on a special day, regardless of the fact that you should celebrate it every day, there is nothing wrong with a designated holiday. Like Babs said over on her spot, the majority of haters are single. I am not in that club. Do I wish I had a special someone to celebrate with ? Of course. Will I hate on those who do? Not ! Just yearning for my own that has yet to come, but I know is definitely on the way in due time. I think it's funny that some people have to pretend not to care to cover up their disappointment. I am so beyond that. I am honest about ALL aspects of being single, the good, the bad & the ugly. My closest friends will tell you that.

I plan to fully enjoy my Valentine's Day Weekend. I am going out tonight for a pre-Valentine's Day Celebration with some single friends. I am going to wear a flamin' hot red dress & I am surprising my friends with some lovely roses that I have purchased for them, to celebrate the love I have for them and our friendship. We are going to a cool little wine bar and then on to another spot for some live music & dancing. I plan to get up on Saturday & make myself some heart shaped pancakes & turkey bacon and then head out to support my close friend http://www.ericpete.com/home.htm who has recently published his 7th novel titled " Sticks & Stones". I love Eric, he is a true gentleman and a great friend, so I am coming to his book signing and bringing him some roses too ! That evening I am going to the movies with a guy who is just a friend and I plan for us to see something funny to make my heart smile. On Sunday I am going to celebrate with the love of my life Jesus :) and spend the day celebrating our love affair & all the wonderful Valentine's gifts that he has given me. I am going to cook a nice dinner & enjoy some wine under my gazebo in the lovely backyard of the beautiful home that He has blessed me to own, with mortgage payments that I can easily afford. I am going to prepare for the next week to go to the wonderful job that He has provided me with that allows me to provide for myself and assist others despite this recession. I am going to exercise with the healthy body that He has given me to celebrate the blessing that is Life!

What are your plans for celebrating love in your life this weekend ?
What do you find funny about Valentines Day ?

Married Living Single

Yesterday over at CreoleinDC the question was asked about whether or not you would be ok with dating someone who was legally seperated while waiting to file for divorce and whether or not you considered people in this situation still married or not. The vast majority of responses were in the vein of "seperated does not equal divorce". At the end of the day, a person will do what they want to do & what they can live with. The question becomes can you live with the consequences of your choices if you put yourself in a situation such as this ? Because from what I have seen, things can become complicated and confusing & lots of people can get hurt when you bring outside parties into the equation. The outcomes can vary quite a bit. I meet lots of guys all the time who claim to be "seperated" and trust me, there is always a backstory of some sort, with the sole purpose of justifying to me why they should actually be considered "available" for me to date. I believe a fraction of what they tell me. I always pass on these dating options & am amazed at the energy & effort that these men put into the pursuit of dating & living single while married & wonder if the same effort was put into saving their marriage ? Having survived a very painful divorce & having to go through alot of grief, loneliness & much therapy I realize that the time in your life when you marriage is being dissolved is very precarious. When you meet someone who is seperated you have no true idea if they have dealt with the issues & problems that lead to the divorce & trust me, that can become your problem if you are not careful. I know for a fact that seperation does not always end in divorce. It is my opinion that seperation should be time spent being sure that divorce is what is best & if so making sure that the legal aspects are settled & complete. That is all you need to be focused on while you are seperated. What some people fail to realize is that bringing in a third party can only complicate this process. Sometimes people are not prepared for the emotions that they come to feel when they realize that divorce is actually going to happen. You mix in children and the plot thickens. I know men who have been seperated from their wives, flaunting their mistress all around town, among family, friends, and then wonder why they get screwed in the custody arrangements, child support issues & property division. Would it kill a person, to put all romantic relationships on hold until your business is handled ? Is it that crucial ? Another scenario for the third party is that they get used and abused after they have become emotionally invested. Ask my ex-husbands mistress. She deluded herself into believing all that he was telling her. For one thing, some people who are seperated still continue to be sexually intimate, after all, they are still married. I sometimes regret some of my choices , but my mind was in a bad place, I did not want the divorce & the truth is up until our final court date when it was finalized, I would have been willing to reconcile on the courthouse steps. Long story short, after divorcing me, my ex realized that he had no intention of leaving a 10 year marriage (16 year relationship total) to walk right into another serious situation with the mistress. He had to deal with some of his own issues that he was able to avoid while being with her. It took him about a year to get rid of the mistress because she just could not accept it & turned into a psycho-stalker LOL ! ( Imagine that coming from the same chick who called me at my home & couldn't understand why I wouldn't just accept the divorce & let her have him !) He then spent about a year playing the scene and as I understand it, is now dating a woman 15 years younger than him. I don't have an ounce of pity for her. Karma is a B ! Although many situations my end differently, it just makes sense to wait and finish one chapter before you begin another.

Do you know anyone who ended up happy after dating a "married but seperated" man ?

Why are so many people willing to begin dating & even start full blown relationships before they have handled their business ?