Remember When

Yesterday I spoke to a friend that I have not seen in a while. This person and I don't talk on a regular basis like we did at one point before I moved away to a different part of Texas, but we have a connection that will always be. I am 39 she is 42. About 7 years ago she and I found out that we were dealing with the same challenge: Infertility. This was during a "baby boom" amoung our seperate peer groups of friends, families and co-workers. She and I stood alone, or so we thought, until we were connected through a mutual friend of ours whom we both had confided in separately and privately. It was good to talk with her then and even now. There are so many things that don't have to be said or explained it just comes easy. Since that time, I have divorced. Neither of us were able to conceive after multiple surgeries and procedures and life has continued on. However, I know that there is an undercurrent of sadness that persists in both of us, even though we continue to be immensely blessed in our lives. Yesterday over at CreoleinDC she coincidentally posted about her challenges in this area. I wanted her to be encouraged by the blessings in her life so I posted this:

"Wow. This was so real. My heart is with you. I know how this can hit you hard from time to time.I have been there. I believe that my infertility has allowed me to become closer to my two nieces and nephew. That is the true blessing. But I know it can hurt just the same. Be encouraged. Your love and commitment to you nephews really does matter. He sees and knows all. Believe that."

I have one sister and we are 14 months apart. We are extremely close. We were both married 14 months apart. She was the first to discover that she had a fertility issue which is actually how I discovered that I had one. Although our specific issues were not the same, the result was that we both had this problem to try and overcome. She was able to conceive with fertility procedures and has 3 beautiful children: Savannah, Olivia & KJ(Kevin Jr). They have been an absolute blessing in my life ! I moved about 8 hours away from my family after I got married and decided to stay in Houston after my divorce 10 years later. Despite the distance, my sister and I made a commitment that her children would have a relationship with me. My nieces are eight and six. My nephew is two. When Savannah was two she came to stay with me & my ex-husband after Olivia was born. Since that time, without fail, they come to visit me in the spring and for 2 weeks in the summer. These times when they come it is without their parents and we have been able to bond and build a relationship that I treasure. This uninterrupted time has given us a special opportunity to become closer that I would not trade for anything. I so look forward to cooking for them, planning activities and adventures, shopping for them, spending time with them and just building them into my life. They have developed relationships with my friends and their children here in Texas. I believe that this has been the blessing that came with my infertility. I know that they are not a replacement for the children that I still hope to have, but I know that their love for me and my love for them has saved me during some of my darkest moments. I have personally come a long way in this infertility challenge but I remember when it was not so easy...

I remember when seeing a woman in the store with an infant made my heart hurt.

I remember when people asking me "what was I waiting on ?" brought tears to my eyes.

I remember when admitting that I was infertile actually embarrassed me.

I remember when going to a baby shower was more than a challenge.

I remember when I couldn't even talk about it without crying.

I remember the pain after each failed fertility procedure.

I remember being angry with God.

I remember the depths of despair.

But I also remember when God began to heal my heart and grow me from the inside out and I am so thankful for it. He continues to bless me in spite of me. There is the occasional pang that I feel, but it comes and goes faster than before. I know that is HIS healing power.

The little ones will be here in two weeks for Spring Break. I am so looking forward to the love they give me that fills these holes in my heart. I remember when I didn't think that was possible.