Closure... the Gift you give Yourself

I have a good friend that is going through a disappointing breakup. I have been a listening ear for the last couple of months as her relationship has limped along on it's last leg. We have had countless talks over cocktails, late night phone calls and discussions about how it happened, what went wrong, when it went wrong, how it went wrong, what could have been done to circumvent it and on and on and on.  My fiance has listened to portions of these conversations in between him watching the NBA playoffs. He knows this friend as well and he has offered up the "male perspective" from time to time as needed.

I don't mind being a patient, listening ear to a friend going through things. In fact, I am known for it among my closest friends for sure and take pride in that fact. I think it is part of the healing process. You never really know what peace and understanding you can offer to a hurting person and I personally have benefited immensely from having good friends in my corner as well being extra patient with me. I read a lot (as most bloggers do) and can't always recall where I heard/read something. Recently I read a blog where a man was trying to explain why he believes that  women in general are "loyal to a fault".  It was an interesting read but in case you don't read it, in summary :

Anyway, women are overloyal. And here’s why: because women hate to be wrong. Leaving a man would require a woman to admit that she chose wrong. Which has to be a very difficult conclusion to draw considering how quickly most women are willing to place all of their proverbial eggs in that one basket. I’ve always found it interesting how women will find a man and date him for a while and be done. There’s no more looking. They have a man and that’s the one they’re hoping to end their dating life with. This perplexes me because it leaves very little room for evaluation. The evaluation that gets done isn’t to determine if she should stay or leave, it’s done to determine how to keep the relationship she’s in despite whatever issue exists. So while men never seem willing to work anything out, I suppose women want to work everything out. Not that I’m advocating for the early dissolution of a relationship because we don’t want to work, but let’s be real here, if you choose wisely upfront you won’t have to dissolve anything later, right?

I chewed on this for a minute and I have to say that I think that this is true in many instances but it is a little more complex than just that. Because once you have identified all of the problems or issues with a particular man or the relationship and determined that it is just not going to work out, the next step for some women is to question how you missed the "signs" or why did you didn't see him for what he truly was, and then you question yourself and your judgement and ultimately begin to blame your self for making the "mistake" of choosing to become involved with this person.  I get this because I have seen it done repeatedly and and I have done it myself.  However, what I have learned to do as I have matured is to learn how to evaluate entire situations and  be accountable for my mistakes without shouldering the ENTIRE blame if I am not totally at fault.  If someone's intent is to deceive you, how is that YOUR fault alone ? If someone misrepresents certain aspects of themselves because to not do so would give you a more accurate view of the situation and of that person,  how is that YOUR fault ? If someone succeeds in misleading you, how is that YOUR fault ? Bottom line is this. Relationships are complicated, but the good ones are built on trust, honesty, commitment, communication and fidelity. If either party compromises any of these areas, the integrity of the relationship is now in question. Even if a woman is guilty of trusting a man, opening her heart to a man, giving of herself and her resources to a man, how is that MORE wrong, than the deception that a man uses, to gain all of that from the woman ? Sometimes its hard to make a wise choice when you have incorrect information.

We cannot be afraid of the truth. Whether it hurts, whether it's disappointing, whether it's a surprise or not. The truth needs no support and in truth there is power. The power to heal,  the power to move forward, the power to make good choices and better decisions.  I read somewhere that when romantic relationships fail, men are more likely to blame the other party and express their feelings about it outwardly in the form of anger (physical altercations, violence, shootings, etc) and that women are more likely to blame themselves and internalize it, trying to figure out what they did wrong, suffer from anxiety, becoming depressed leading to suicide, etc. I know this is not an absolute, but I have really seen it play out this way very often.

My friend and I talked about her need for "closure" and the interesting thing is that women seem to always want to seek this out from men, who have been less than upstanding in dealing with them (hence the demise of the relationship) which makes this need totally unreasonable. It usually never happens.  Closure is the gift you give yourself. Closure is when you take your power back and refuse to give energy to a person who has hurt you. Closure is when you decide how you want to live your life and you don't need a committee or a pow wow or permission or a meeting of the minds to accomplish that.  It is a lesson that I personally wished I had learned a lot sooner than I did and a concept that I am more than happy to share.

How do you know when a relationship is over & its time to take the " L " regardless of who is at  fault  ?

Do you find that you need closure or something from the other person to put it behind you ?

Do you think women are overly afraid or embarrassed to admit when they feel they have made a wrong choice ?

Thoughts ? Comments ? Questions ?

Beautifully Complex