Friday, August 17, 2012

Weddings & Funerals..........

You know how people talk about how weddings & funerals bring out the craziness in families. Well I am seeing it first hand. And boy is it ugly. My best friends sister passed away on Tuesday. However as soon as she went to Hospice just a week before, the drama was already starting among the family. The dispute is over the family home. For clarity, my friend is the youngest of six siblings 3 boys & 3 girls.  The oldest sister (who just passed)  was married with no children. Her husband is a deadbeat, and has been for years. No job in like forever, I'm talking for more than 25 years he never worked. He basically lived off of his wife who had a government job that kept them comfortable, especially when you consider the fact that they had no mortgage because they lived in the home that her deceased parents purchased. How they ended up in the home is another wild & crazy story. Prior to them moving into the home it was occupied by the middle sister (who died about 7 years ago). The middle sister had initially moved in with her two children to take care of their father for several years prior to his death when he was sick with cancer. That was originally how the first of the siblings ended up back living in the family home. When the father died, she stayed in the home for a few years. In fact, the father prior to his death deeded the house to the middle daughter (everyone assumes this was his way of showing appreciation for the care she gave him). Initially no one had an issue with this because she had been the main one caring for their ill father. But over time the older sister (everyone believes it was motivated by her husband) began to resent that the middle sister was living "rent free" so she & her husband, get this......sold their home & moved into the family home along with the middle sister and her two kids. It was very crowded (this is not a mansion) so the oldest sister ended up converting the garage into a living area and building somewhat of an addition to that side of the home & built a carport for their cars. The middle sister didn't really fight this, since it was their parents home.  The other 4 siblings all had their own homes. Evidently the drama began 7 years ago when the middle sister died. That's when some funny business went on with the deed on the house, the siblings all thought they were signing the house into the name of all of the remaining siblings.  This is what the kids of the middle sister agreed to (they were her only heirs). But after that transfer was made, a subsequent deed transfer then put the house in the name of the oldest sister AND her deadbeat husband. Evidently no one knew of this second mystery deed transfer until recently when oldest sister became ill and they started looking at things to anticipate what would happen upon her death. Oh what a drama filled mess ! She of course was very ill and none of the siblings wanted to confront her about it,  but obviously some funny business went on years before. They are all pissed that now that the oldest sister is gone, the house will evidently go to her deadbeat husband that none of them really care for because he is her sole heir. They don't think he should be the rightful heir to the home their parents bought. They also don't feel he deserves it because its not as if HE worked for years and years and paid for any of the upkeep, maintenance or repairs or even the addition they added all those years ago. Now none of the 4 siblings wants to move into the house, and they don't want to put him out on the street (they discussed letting him stay until his death when they thought the house was still in all of their names) but it just seems that it should go to the bloodline heirs which include them & ultimately all of their children. The oldest sister had no kids. I am interested to see what you guys in blogland think about this situation.

Now on to far I have not had any drama with my planning (other than trying to carve this guest list down to only those who I believe will actually travel to NOLA when its time to pull the trigger, LOL) but I love reading & commenting on the message boards ! It's like wedding blogging.  It is so interesting to see what all the brides-to-be are dealing with in the midst of planning their big day. I promise you I thank my lucky stars every day, cause some of these brides have some truly bat s&$! crazy mothers, MIL's, and " bridesmaidzillas" (I just made that up). Recently I was reading about a bride who is just devastated because her mother has decided to boycott her wedding & is not participating in anything including wedding dress shopping. The reason: The groom has a twin sister, who happens to be gay. The groom has decided that his twin sister is going to be his "Best Woman" . The brides mother is so against this  that she has demanded that the bride tell her husband-to-be that this is not acceptable. She is concerned about what its going to look like, the fact that its not tradition, there is no such thing as a "Bestwoman", what people with think/say etc. She "claims" that it has nothing to do with the girl being gay (yeah right LOL) So when the bride told her mother, that she did not care who her husband had stand up for him, especially since she is his sister & that she would not make her husband pick someone else,  the mother accused her of putting her husband ahead of her family and of letting her husband "run her"LOL It is utterly amazing how selfish and self-centered people can be and its not even their wedding! But really to just decide to boycott you daughters wedding because she can't control every little detail. I mean what kind of mother does that ?

Why do weddings and funerals always bring out the dysfunction in families ?

Have you been involved in or witnessed any wedding or funeral drama ?

How would you deal with these scenarios ?

Thoughts ? Comments ? Questions ?

Beautifully Complex 


Thoughtsofsoutherngal said...

That first situation is messy messy messy. Maybe the siblings can talk to the deadbeat in a nice and calm manner and ask him to deed the house to them once he has passed on.

Donna said...

Well, regarding the funeral and house inheritance - I would contact an attorney. I don't know if it would help but getting an expert opinion on this would be worth it to me. And I hope all the siblings take the lessons in this 1) Don't sign anything you don't understand; 2) Don't sign anything without reading it carefully; and 3) Get your will and other estate documents in order.

Beautifully Complex said...

I really hope that he would agree to that. I think it would solve everything. They just don't want him to be able to give the house to someone outside of their family.

Beautifully Complex said...

Exactly. This is truly a lesson. People need to stop putting off the inevitable. We do need to learn how to deal with the difficult issues BEFORE they become even more difficult.

sayitlikethis said...

Funerals/Death: That issue could be probated. They need to contact an attorney. Are/were there any wills for the deceased? Definitely seek legal help b/c that doesn't pass the smell test.

Weddings: if you haven't been reading my blog, you already know how I feel on this one. I halfway expected Mister's family to act a fool because they always act a fool but when my mom & sister joined in, I knew it had to be something in the air.

(trying not to blog in your comments)

I don't know what goes on with people when these two life events happen. Maybe it's because they are two major life events. Not saying that having a baby or buying a house aren't major life events but they are essentially the BIG changes. Death is permanent. That one is easier to understand. Weddings? I'm still not 100% sure about.

My best guess is that whatever ill-feelings or harbored jealousies were there before are just manifested when either a wedding or funeral occur.

Beautifully Complex said...

I saw your blog but I was reading it thru google reader at work & couldn't comment. Yes it seems like these major events just unleashes all these ill feelings. I guess because these events bring so many families together. Other than reunions these are the only times that everyone is forced to interact.

Nae said...

My word! I don't get it...why is it at the 2x when it's most important for folks to be coming together, people act a plum fool!
I have purposely stayed away from joining the knot's forums...I'm afraid I'll get sucked in:-/

Beautifully Complex said...

Beware the Knot is very addictive LOL

Jacquie said...

le sad.

Re: the first story. One of my co-workers is dealing with this right now. Her mother and stepfather have both passed within the past two years. The mother's brother lived in the basement of the family (mother's) home. The house is in my co-worker and her sister's name BUT the brother and two sisters are contesting that the house is HIS since he's been living in the house for many, many years. My co-worker and her sister tried to work with their aunts and uncle, but it wasn't happening. So they took it to court. The courts listened to the case, but because the uncle's name was not on the deed of the home, and nan one coworker won. My coworker's sister said that if they want the house, they can buy it...and that's exactly what happened! LOL Uncle and aunts are def not happy, but that's what happened. My coworker is shot to the heart, but for her peace of mine (even though lost her family home), she is at peace.

Sorry so long!